Posts in Category: Uncategorized

belahh

On May 15, 2007 by alvinkok With 0 Comments - Uncategorized
Somehow, I don’t know why I still hold on to things so tightly. The hope is gone. I know I need to let go. Let go of all da burdens in my heart, but I just can’t. I wish I can be those people who can just take things up easily and let things go easily. But it is so not me to take things so lightly. I know it is time I realise about letting go about all that my heart is holding on to and I really meant everything. I am mentally prepared to let go but my heart is holding back. I somehow don’t want to let go and end up having to hate that person for life. I wish I can learn to let go and just let the past be behind me and look forward as the future awaits me. I know the longer I hold on, the more I have to keep in my heart.

But , I just can’t let things go.It doesn’t exactly annoys me. But I know it is time to let go. I know all I can keep is the memories of the past and nothing else. I really wonder how people let things go so easily? I really wonder. I wish I can just some sort be like them in anyway possible. I know I don’t have to tell again how painful my heart is daily. I know it is everywhere in my blog lately.

**********

Exams is around the corner. It is normal for me to feel moody. I know I am one lazy ass who just never studies. Tell me about it- SPM is near. I know. But I just don’t have the patience and the determination to study like how i used to have when I was sitting for PMR. Imagine me really sitting and studying for PMR, that year wasn’t stressful because I worked hard and have always been consistent in being an average student.

I wish I can still be that same old Alvin who does what is best for himself. Not losing patience. Having hope. Having determination. Having perseverance. I want it all back- badly. I am trying so hard. Everyday, I try to sit and read but I will end up playing with other things like sudoku, handphone, radio etc etc.

Exams to me is like a routine now anyway. Really. I sit for exams every month, almost every week. So, there is nothing to be afraid of. Exams is now like chores to me I guess. Sitting at the same spot everytime doing my own thing (sleeping) for the first part of the exam and really trying to figure out answers when time is almost up.

If you are asking if I have the mood for exams, I will never have. Exams is still torture to me although it is like a chore now. Exams now also became a time for me to think a lot. I start to think about my own life etc etc etc during exams (especially the 2 hour paper). Now you know why I have kinda a variety of blog title in my blog lately. It is all because of the exams.

**********

Feeling a little down for some time now really makes me wake up and learn more about life and people. People can change. Young, old, etc etc CAN CHANGE. Some change for the bad and some change for the good. Experiencing both changes really widened my view about how selfless and how selfish people can be. Those who were selfless have a big heart. They always aim to serve and not to be served. This people always changes to be better day by day. Some of their heart and their willingless somehow amazes me. On the other hand, people with a selfish attitude can never be successful. It is obvious. I have seen it for myself. I am not mentioning names but I think it is time I should look at my own life in the mirror and really think about how I can be for the better.

Being selfless is not exactly good though. Many takes you for granted. And I really hate those people who take things for granted. Being selfless also doesnt mean people will appreciate you in return. Somehow, being selfless is not only about giving giving and giving. We need to receive too. If not, we will somehow be dying inside like how I am feeling now. Trying to maintain a balance of both is not easy. But I am trying. =)

Thats alllah. Biology papers tomoro. Sigh..

can u ever have the brains to think

On May 14, 2007 by alvinkok With 0 Comments - Uncategorized
Can you ever have the brains to just think about what you just did?
I know I am leaving this blog post hanging. Who the hell cares rite?
Look and see if i really did it.
Don’t just give my blardy name to reach your quota or to get a good reputation as a good teacher. You just suck.
I have not done it and I have to face the music? How ridiculous can this be?
Everyone blardy simply agree that, yeah, YOU SUCK!
Getting some punishments over things I have not done just kills me.
Furthermore, needless to elaborate, you know how strict my school is now?
Just leave me alone.

**********

I am sorry if I ever neglected you in my post.

Writing that I love you will never be enough somehow and someway.
I hope you know that deep within, I am still the same old me.
It has never change and it will never change.
I hope you understand that at this point of time, life hasn’t been great.
But you tried to make it look great for me and I am thankful for that.

**********

What sick is wrong with me huh?

The song ‘Hati Ini Telah Dilukai’ by Ajai and Kris/Nurul just kept playing in my ears.
Probably the novel The Pearl influenced me? I don’t know.
I have songs in my mind and the song will just play based on my feelings in my mind.
How great? -even during exams.
Probably what I wanted to throw out is that:
Semalaman terkenangkan dirimu
mengalir air matu membasahi pipi
mengapa kau sanggup meninggalkan diriku
sedangkan kau tahu perasaan ini
Kau berjanji, akulah kekasihmu
sanggup singkirkan semua cinta yang lalu
tidak ku duga ini akan terjadi
kata perpisahan yang kau pinta
Biarkanlah, biarkan aku hidup sendirian
tak inginku mengenangkan kisah lama
biarkanlah, biarkan aku hidup sendirian,
kerana hati ini, telah dilukai.
**********
Exams is on. So, i don’t wanna blog so longlah. Lazy lazy mee..

,

at times..

On May 12, 2007 by alvinkok With 0 Comments - Uncategorized
If you were asking me to describe my life in a song 2 days ago, I will sing to you:
It’s been a long and winding journey,
but I am finally here tonight,
picking up the pieces,
and walking back into the light.

But somehow, good things comes to an end-very quickly indeed.

Things went back to how it used to be. Annoying right?

I am so tired of writing how fucked up my life is lately. Really.
Things never seem to be good for me.
Everything is unfair, everything is just screwed up.

I have said, I get annoyed easily by the smallest mistake one ever made.

You can’t blame me. Blame the past.
Ever since that happened, I always feel insecure- wherever I am.
Somehow, I want to let go of so many things. I want to.
But deep inside me, I can’t.
I know I can’t. Blame me for holding things too tightly- but i need time to really put down everything.
I have tried ignoring those things that bothers me, but it’s painful inside- no matter how hard I try to ignore it.
Can someone every understand me for once?

**********

Now, why cant you or any others get off my back. Let me live my life and do whatever i’m contented of doing. Leave me to my achievements and maybe dont challenge me on that. Go make your own. Is it compulsory that i get scrutinised for whatever the fuck i do? You think you know me well, but you hardly understand me!

And you, dont think for one moment that everything’s okay. When one person says something, you have your basic rights to question, when 2 says the same thing about you, then you’re dysfunctional somewhere inside.

**********

Yes, it’s exams time. And somehow, I got numb to the ‘exams period’. Peter Yii has made so many exams for the Form fives. Basically every week, there is exams. So it’s kinda normal for me to just sit for exams. And who the hell cares what results I am gonna obtain.
And for people who knows I am from St. John’s.
Stop giving me that look! Stop giving me that expectations.
I can fail you anytime of the day. Really.
It doesn’t mean I am from St. John’s, I would get 9A’s for my SPM.
It doesn’t mean I am from St. John’s, I would get a job easily.
It doesn’t mean I am from St. John’s, I have a future. A bright one.
Recently, people have been talking behind my back and some, in front of me about how I am expected to perform in many other ways just because I am a Johannian.
I am tired of all these nonsence and expectations.
I am not as good as what you guys are thinking.

Life is kinda annoying, ain’t it?

,

whatever

On April 30, 2007 by alvinkok With 0 Comments - Uncategorized
If you done everything to make me happy just because you need a favour, i feel exploited. I felt like I am being betrayed. And now when it is all over, you are gonna get far far away from me. Up to you!
I have been thinking so much lately. I am just concentrating on the less important stuffs. It has been some time since I lost myself. I just lose that true me. I am now bad at prioritizing. Why so? I just can’t tell myself. My mind is thinking of so many things. It causes me to get mad over the slightest mistake anyone makes. I lost my patience. I LOSE HOPE IN EVERYTHING. I know I am sorry, if i have ever took any of you and threw my tantrums at you guys. I am trying so hard to bottle up everything. I no longer have the guts to spill it out. It hurts deep within me. Yes, say whatever you want, I HAVE MY EGO at times. I use to have people by my side to hear me but when I lost trust. I lose my guts too. It’s so hard to just spill it out.
I think I am getting from bad to worst in terms of studies. Although my results prove otherwise. I know myself best. I know when I will break down- usually at night. Whether or not, I will do well in SPM, i wouldn’t give a damn. I know I am plain stupid to make such statements but I just can’t care, can I? It is not like I don’t care but it is more of I can’t care.
**********
I really don’t care. Trust me. If you want to give me a B, C or even a D for my forecast result for my college application, SO BE IT! Stop threatening me about giving me bad grades. I don’t care. I know I have done all your work. Because of that few rotten apples, you are giving me those grades, YOU JUST AIN’T PROFESSIONAL. Seriously, who the hell are you to give me such grades when I know I can prove you wrong when the real results are out. Yes, it’s my ego speaking again.
Seriously, I feel disturbed. Day and night. Thinking so much. Is it my fault? Or was it yours? People are disappointing my one by one. Am I putting too high expectations on people. Every night, I will ask myself- Am I too much? What did I do wrong?
It seems that everyone thinks it’s my fault. My whole damned fault. But I just don’t know. My ego is there. I am not ready to forgive. Not willing to let go of things. I am holding things too tight. I am not willing to apologise. See, it’s my ego all over again.
MAYBE IT MIGHT REALLY BE MY FAULT…
It might be better blaming myself for something I have no control over..

I know many are concern about me, it stirred up a lot of questions. Many people message-ed me and I thank God for that. I am still taking life a step at a time. We’ll see what happens next.. =(

,

attitude

On April 24, 2007 by alvinkok With 0 Comments - Uncategorized

Don’t fuck with me. I have got attitude problems. I was told – in my face.

Bastards in class like you should learn to just shut up and control your toungues. You can’t blame me for raising my voice and throwing my anger at you. I am just not in the mood to hear you out. I have enough.

You can’t blame me for discriminating you guys. You just don’t have control over your mouth. Stop calling us bird shit! You started it. So, what do you blardy want, Mr Chocolate Indulgence? Are you looking for trouble? Stop messing with me. I am not in the mood this days. Go take care of your own black forests and stop disturbing me!

Just don’t fuck with me. I am not in the whole damn mood. I am just confused. Should I be selfish? Should i be selfless? Sometimes, I know I have to stand firm on my feet. I have a feeling I will soon one day erupt. Trust me.

argh

On April 23, 2007 by alvinkok With 0 Comments - Uncategorized

Shut the fuck up! I am annoyed. Stop getting me pissed. I saw hope for the first few days and everything goes to the damn drain. I am just getting so frustrated. Why must things be all so good in a sudden for a day or two and everything gets back to all the terrible situation? Why? Stop taking me for granted! I just hate being taken for granted. I am just so pissed at this point of time. If this is the case, it is hurting me twice as much as before. Fuck it lah!

Whatever! Whatever! Whatever!!!!!! I just don’t know what to do.

cluster

On April 20, 2007 by alvinkok With 0 Comments - Uncategorized
A SUMMARY OF CLUSTER SCHOOL OF EXCELLENCE CONCEPT BY THE MINISTRY OF EDUCATION
I am not against the whole concept of cluster school. Really. Why do I have to? Instead, I think it is a brilliant idea. But no one could have ever thought the miseries that would bring to the teachers and the students if full autonomy have been given to a principal who misuses it.
If you don’t get me, I am saying that the pricipal is making me feel sick with this title. I have said, I am not against the new system. I am proud of the system and I am indeed glad that I am the pioneer batch of this cluster school of excellence. But I am sick with how my principal manage the school after being given this title.Everyone in my school, including me would pretty agree that Mr Peter Yii wants the best out of his students and teachers. But the way he is enforcing the new things, make everyone retaliate at this point of time. I am pretty grateful having a good principal like him- who guides us not only during our secondary school level but more than that. And the coaching he has given to us about moral values, about behaviour and being a student with confidence. I am so thankful.
All I would ask for is that he implement the changes slowly and not being so drastic. You may never know about all the new things he has implement on us after us being declared a cluster school of excellence. Have you ever cared about how your teachers and students feel?
Here are some new things after Cluster School of Excellence:
1. Ujian Pengesanan is a waste of time. This dear principal of mine has decided to have Ujian Pengesanan every month. You might have asked what this is all about? This Ujian Pengesanan thingy is where each subject teacher gives us 4 essays and 4 structured questions with the model answer at the beginning of the month. And at the end of every month, students have to stay back from 2-3 and 2 essays and 2 structured questions are tested. We have to basically write back what we have look through or memorise. Don’t you think it is a waste of time? It is not done during the class hours but after class hours. Why force all of us to get 70 marks and above. If we don’t get 70 marks and above, we will get 2 strokes of cane and we have to re-sit the same paper until we pass with 70. Isn’t it ridiculous? Imagine if we get less than 70 for all the subjects. count for yourself how many canes we are to get? You are basically caning us for our stupidity!
2. Caning from the principal makes me sick! Imagine you go t0 school with fear everyday? The principal enters your class every single day without fail to cane those students who were absent the day before without letter. Damnit! We are 17 and you want to cane us? And all the reports the teacher writes into the class diary, we get the canes from him as well. Is he crazy? He does that to the whole school.. Imagine it? Don’t you feel the fear in me. You can’t blame me. You have used the cane way too much. Basically, we get cane for the smallest mistake we make.
3. Stop encouraging the teachers to give extra class. We are all appealing for shorter school hours and here you are, asking the teachers to lengthen it. WTF? I am tired enough to stay till 2pm almost everyday. What more do you want? And skipping our lunch because of class? It is pure torturing!
4. The teachers are also complaining-every single one of them. The principal is pressuring all of the teachers to improve in their teaching, don’t be late for class, check their books every week (as if we are kindergaten students), and asking the Ketua Bidang to do random inspection on books and class. Teachers too teach with fear now. They no longer give you that smile to assure you that things will be alright, instead, they will give you the fierce faces which just annoys me and take my mood away.
5. Stop giving teachers their targets! Each teacher have been set targets for the classes they teach. For example, 18 people to get Sejarah 1A in SPM for 5/O. Isn’t that ridiculous? If he/she doesnt achieve, they will have to see HIM for some scoldings!
6. Saturday classes. Are you crazy? Most of the Saturday’s you have asked us to come to school for class. What more do you want? It is Saturday! Get a life!
7. The principal should stop coming into the class suddenly and cane everyone when it is noisy.. The innocent will also get it!
There are so many more new things in the school. Before you come for us, look at you damn self! You have cane almost the whole school and it is undeniable that you are very good at caning because it really really do hurts. It makes me start to hate this cluster school concept. It is so pressuring and everyone is going crazy. Can we jsut have some fun in school like we use to have? Give us some time. Don’t rush in implementing so many things! We are no robots. We want you to know we also want the best possible results. Stop coming after us and chasing us like crazy..
Why must I always be the guinea pigs for the governments? I just dislike it!
I really wonder what steps are VI, SAB and CBN taking! We have took so many steps to ensure we are one of the top. I mean to remain one of the top premier centenary school in the country.

PUBLIC APOLOGIES

I am sorry for putting up my last 2 posts without the consent of tht 2 person. I really am. It was what I felt but I never intend to hurt you guys. You know how much I care and how much I love.

To BL: Thank you so much. I know you have been trying since that day. I can see it in all your messages. I hope things will last. You will always have a place in my heart. The scars are there but I pray, 1 day it will all be gone… =) Although you seldom take initiative, but at least you are responding.. and taking a little initiative.

To ‘buaya’: You know my heart. I don’t have to go on further… =) You have been a great blessing. Love ya!

To SC: You too will have a place in my heart. A significant part. I do hope you know. No matter how down you are feeling, I will always be there- to hear and to help you up. Trust me. This is my promise for you. Hope you are feeling better…

I know I have been a bit rude in my last few posts too, I am sorry.

SELFLESS TO SELFISH

Sometimes, I don’t know when I am to be selfish and when I am to be selfless. I somehow thinks that I have been selfless way too many time. Enduring everything and anything that is given to me and doing everything for people. Letting people get the fame and I do the job just piss me off at times. Prolly I should not be selfless anymore and I should learn to be selfish. I don’t know…

**********

SOLD OUT CONCERT

Anyone going? I am still promoting it again…

Band: 1a.m.

Album: Sold Out
Launch Concert dates: 28th and 29th April at 7pm
Date Venues: 28th at ECF Puchong and 29th at KDU Auditorium
Ticket pricing: RM35 inclusive of 1 free cd and 1 bonus dvd.
For more info, please visit www.1am.com.my
For a sneak preview, go to: http://www.1am.com.my/index.php?option=com_content&task=blogcategory
For video promo, visit http://www.myspace.com/1accordministry
All proceeds go to the charity.
ST JOHN’S INSTITUTION, KL CERIATHON 2007

If you want to donate to SJI for it’s Ceriathon- please do so, contact me!

If you are giving mroe than RM 200, your name would be on a speacial board and would be hang in the school forever as long as the building is still there.
Please give generously especially Johannians out there! Your alma mater needs money!
The target is RM 80,000.00 this round.
Once a Johannian, Always a Johannian
FIDE ET LABORE!
By principle and hardwork =)
, ,
DSC_0101 DSC_0101

blah

On April 14, 2007 by alvinkok With 0 Comments - Uncategorized
You will never know the hurt in me. How much more time do you want from me? It has been almost 6 months since i last see you. I just don’t know how long more. I am willling to give all the time in the world just to wait. But will you ever appreciate it? Will you ever use it? How long more do you want me to give? It hits me badly everytime. Whatever goodnight messages you are gonna send me, it still hits me. How long more do you want? Why don’t you tell me?

If you are claiming you are having a rough time, so am I. Having this damn rough time partially because of you! If you think you are gonna break off a whole damn relationship with me, and your problem is solved, QUIT BEING IMMATURE! It doesnt solve your problems instead give you more problems! I am so tired and sick of all these things. I have done all i can and all i could to make you the happiest person you can ever be, but you just never appreciate it and in return, giving me all the hurt and pain. WTF is wrong? Telling me you are busy, I have been with you for months and almost a year. I know when you are busy and when you are not. What you do when you are busy and what you don’t do. I know it so well.

Looking bad at the past, it hits me even more badly. You use to spent your time with me- before school, right after school till we get to bed. You have always been trying to make me the happiest person i can ever be LAST TIME. A little merajuk-ness and unhappiness from me will cause you to react and do the best you could to get me back into the mood- LAST TIME. How many more last time do i need to express.

I sometimes find it so selfish of you. You can just love and care for someone so badly to a certain extent where you are willing to do anything for that person. And in a glimpse of an eye, you can just stop loving and caring for that person just because you have another set of new love ones. How can you do that? I wonder. The most hurtful thing is that you can just leave all those people just like that because you have found someone else.

If it was my whole damned fault, tell me about it. What did I do wrong? Why must you leave me in the dark? How much more pain do I have to endure? Am dying inside because i finally lost everything… Everything… including YOU! YOU! YOU! How much longer do I have to wait? I want everything to be how it used to be like or at least close to it!! I know I am plain pathetic at this damn time.

You told me I was once the first few in your life. Am i still holding that position? Or am I not? I am doubting. After all that has happened, I am doubting. Do you still care and love me like you have always been doing? Looking and hearing you call other people ‘bro’ and being called ‘bro’ doesnt at all hurt me. I am not gonna be selfish. At times, I know i can be selfless. Yes, in fact, most of the time, I am SELFLESS. Argh~ whatever.. You wouldn’t give a fuck about it.

Sometimes i get so upset about everything I contemplate to.. It is because I still care. Well basicly i have no balls for anything, there’s still so much of life to live out, yet there are equally as much to die for. Literally. I get so preoccupied with unnecessary thoughts. Stuff that i shouldn’t give two fucks about. Yet, stuff that stresses the shit out of me. Why do i care about you?! And what you do. You’ll do what you do, and you’ll enjoy what you do, and why am i breaking myself because of what you fucking do? I just don’t know..

I know if you read this, you are gonna be pissed. Very pissed. But i just can’t help it. I have tried lying to myself. I have tried controlling myself. But the love and care for you is just too deep. I just hope you won’t be pissed.

The scars are already there. =(

I no longer feel herculean to you anymore…

How long more do I have to endure? I am going crazy…

**********

ROCK: DETOUR

pictures speaks a thousand words

Figuring things out

Getting ready…at Taman Tasik Titiwangsa- Eye On Malaysiaat KL Sentralat Museum Negaraat KLCC- taking a picture of the team with the Twin Towers1st team to arrive- RespulsiaThe people behind the scenes **********

I guess thats all i gotta say for now.. I am sorry if I have ever offended anyone =(

I know it was not my kind to be so rude and foul nowadays. But I guess it just slips up from my mouth. I have never used this words since I was in Form 1.

**********

ADVERTISEMENTS @ www.arvinez.cjb.net

SOLD OUT CONCERT.

If you really want to go. Let me know and I will TRY (no promises) help you get the details.

,

blah

On March 21, 2007 by alvinkok With 0 Comments - Uncategorized
I know how much i’m letting go this time. I’m making a decision based on my self-importance on the expense of letting someone who loves me so damn much go.
I’m telling myself i’m not letting you go just yet, no, i’m not ready to leave behind all that we’ve done, all that we’ve experienced, all that you’ve done for me and everything i’ve done for you, all our sleepless nights and our meagre quarrels.
Arguments, to us, become chores. I know all i did was to blame every argument on your stubborness and mood swings, but its just me and my ego. I never take the blame, and even if i know i have to, i’ll be reluctant. This is just unfair. Its unfair for you. You will not take this in, you will not trust me, you will not listen nor believe what you read. After what took place, it was selfish of me, to make such a decision based on my own importance.
I know i’d never find someone like you anywhere out there in the goddamn world. Someone like you who’ve loved, love, and will love me as long as i’m alive. I can see it in you, i can see that love and care. And i know i’m not treating you right, which is hurting me twice as much as i’m hurting you.
How would i treat any other person in my life right? When i cant damn treat my loved one right?! I’m holding back tears now. You know how much i want my own privacy in my room but…. I’ll save my tears for tonight, when i’m on my bed, just staring into the night lamp, just let the tears roll AGAIN.
But its only acceptable to me that i blame myself for all these even though its something i have no control over.How much you want to run away from me now, i understand. But just believe me when i say i’ll always always be there for you. Please believe me on that.
I dont need any explanations or reminders of what i’ve done to hurt you. I know i fucked up. I apologize but its of no use, whats the point of apologizing without making an effort to do anything right? But if sorry’s can cure your pain, i’d say sorry so many times.
This is as much as i’ll say for now. So you know about what’s going on in my mind. And that you’re not the only one hurting. I’m sorry you have to be alone throughout this whole time. You know that deep down inside of you even when you doubt it. And i’ve never had a doubt that you love me as much and more. In every way possible, you’ll always always have me. I know I dont deserve your time. I know I don’t. I am sorry..
**********
I somehow know that I am smart. Yes I am. I really do know that. But I am just plain lazy. I have always give in to my flesh. I know it is my major year. My last damn year. But I somehow lose the touch. the feel of studying. Making myself study just doesnt work. Nothing goes in and I end up wasting my whole time doing rubbish and nonsence.
I hate being that last minute king. I really want my A’s badly. Real damn bad. But I just cant do anything great at the moment. Seriously, my mind is not into this whole stupid Malaysian education system. My mind always wanders to somewhere far far away and God knows where.
I just need that touch. That feel. That concentration and determination in me. Thats all I want and ask for. Is it really that tough? I know I can do it. If not, I wouldnt be getting good grades for UPSR and PMR rite?
I am trying.I am.I am fighting against myself.So many things has happened and I just need some time. I am really trying to push myself.Really am.
If you are asking me how i am gonna do it, I can’t give you an answer right now. I really can’t. But I will jsut go along and see what really happens. Sometimes, somethings are beyond my control. I dont have the right over it.
I am just human. All I can do is to just try hard. Nothing else really matters.
**********
Again, I am sorry.. CWMY…
Love ya and Miss ya always…
=(

short

On March 15, 2007 by alvinkok With 0 Comments - Uncategorized

GO AHEAD
well, if you think you would like to sacrifice all everyone’s feelings and care because of ONE, please do so! it is pure stupid!