Monthly Archives: March 2007


I know how much i’m letting go this time. I’m making a decision based on my self-importance on the expense of letting someone who loves me so damn much go.
I’m telling myself i’m not letting you go just yet, no, i’m not ready to leave behind all that we’ve done, all that we’ve experienced, all that you’ve done for me and everything i’ve done for you, all our sleepless nights and our meagre quarrels.
Arguments, to us, become chores. I know all i did was to blame every argument on your stubborness and mood swings, but its just me and my ego. I never take the blame, and even if i know i have to, i’ll be reluctant. This is just unfair. Its unfair for you. You will not take this in, you will not trust me, you will not listen nor believe what you read. After what took place, it was selfish of me, to make such a decision based on my own importance.
I know i’d never find someone like you anywhere out there in the goddamn world. Someone like you who’ve loved, love, and will love me as long as i’m alive. I can see it in you, i can see that love and care. And i know i’m not treating you right, which is hurting me twice as much as i’m hurting you.
How would i treat any other person in my life right? When i cant damn treat my loved one right?! I’m holding back tears now. You know how much i want my own privacy in my room but…. I’ll save my tears for tonight, when i’m on my bed, just staring into the night lamp, just let the tears roll AGAIN.
But its only acceptable to me that i blame myself for all these even though its something i have no control over.How much you want to run away from me now, i understand. But just believe me when i say i’ll always always be there for you. Please believe me on that.
I dont need any explanations or reminders of what i’ve done to hurt you. I know i fucked up. I apologize but its of no use, whats the point of apologizing without making an effort to do anything right? But if sorry’s can cure your pain, i’d say sorry so many times.
This is as much as i’ll say for now. So you know about what’s going on in my mind. And that you’re not the only one hurting. I’m sorry you have to be alone throughout this whole time. You know that deep down inside of you even when you doubt it. And i’ve never had a doubt that you love me as much and more. In every way possible, you’ll always always have me. I know I dont deserve your time. I know I don’t. I am sorry..
I somehow know that I am smart. Yes I am. I really do know that. But I am just plain lazy. I have always give in to my flesh. I know it is my major year. My last damn year. But I somehow lose the touch. the feel of studying. Making myself study just doesnt work. Nothing goes in and I end up wasting my whole time doing rubbish and nonsence.
I hate being that last minute king. I really want my A’s badly. Real damn bad. But I just cant do anything great at the moment. Seriously, my mind is not into this whole stupid Malaysian education system. My mind always wanders to somewhere far far away and God knows where.
I just need that touch. That feel. That concentration and determination in me. Thats all I want and ask for. Is it really that tough? I know I can do it. If not, I wouldnt be getting good grades for UPSR and PMR rite?
I am trying.I am.I am fighting against myself.So many things has happened and I just need some time. I am really trying to push myself.Really am.
If you are asking me how i am gonna do it, I can’t give you an answer right now. I really can’t. But I will jsut go along and see what really happens. Sometimes, somethings are beyond my control. I dont have the right over it.
I am just human. All I can do is to just try hard. Nothing else really matters.
Again, I am sorry.. CWMY…
Love ya and Miss ya always…


well, if you think you would like to sacrifice all everyone’s feelings and care because of ONE, please do so! it is pure stupid!

promises into lies

I keep wondering why people in my life never keep their promises. The things they utter are just like words uttered by a 3 year old kid. Can someone just keep their promises for once? If you never mean what you are going to say, never say it! Sometimes, you may have say the things repeatly but do u really mean it? Giving false hopes to someone really hurts, especially you. you never bother keeping your promises and that hurts me most. Deep inside me, there are a lot of anxieties, hurts, thoughts, fears and all. This year hasn’t been all-good. Faking out my smiles and laughters all day just make me feel so tired sometimes. Thinking and going through of all that has happened, i learned a lot. Yes, the pain is still there but the amount of things i have learn through those experiences are so valuable. Nevertheless, i just wish that everything goes on well. Trying my very best to make my promises never to turn into lies…


Finally, the script for drama is out. Kevin manage to complete it in days. Great job dude =)

I know the drama team is ready to create more dramas in the midst of preparing for the Drama Competition. We pledge to do our best and like i said, it is my last year in high school and it means so much to me. Words can never explain how much it means to me. Yessssh, i may not have that great of a confidence now for drama but I am trying to regain that confidence I used to have.

Life has not been that miserable this week YET. I hope it stays that way. Looking at things on the positive note, I hope that everything will go in place.

I am ready and all set to make more dramas =p


My blog. My dear blog. A place where I throw out my everything- my feelings, my thoughts and stuffs. And again, I am gonna just talk about those things are am just so pissed off with. Sometimes, I try not to throw my anger here but it just seems to flow out along the way. I am sorry.

My journey as a Form 5 students is still full with nightmares and miseries. Still wishing things will always be the same as how it used to be. A part of me tells me that a journey must have obstacles and I must learn from it, and the other part of me just wish to give up at times. Really. Is giving up the best solution? I don’t know. But I felt, giving up might be the best but painful solution. I don’t know.

First things first, DRAMA! For those who care about me, DON’T WORRY! I am not taking directorship this year. It is my very own decision that I have made. Being the director of the last year’s drama, it ain’t easy although I have learnt a lot and I have got to know people’s characters and their attitude and learn more about appreciating arts. I guess I should just give this title away to someone else. That doesn’t mean I don’t support the drama team anymore! Whether or not I am in the team, my full support goes to them! They will be the only team I vie for and I know they will live up to the standard.

Starting off, last Wednesday, Pn Gokilavani (my drama teacher apart from Ms Ellina) came to see me in class. She told me that Drama Competition is on March 19th, 2007. I was like: ‘OMG, teacher!’. It is just 2 weeks aways. She told me I have to submit the names latest by Friday. I was like, Okayyy. Aparently, CBN and other surrounding schools have already started their preparation and their all ready for it. Yes, it is kind off unfair. I immediately gave Ms Ellina a call and talked to her about it. I have got no idea if there is something wrong somewhere as how can CBN get the letter earlier than us by weeks? I am surprised. Well, life still goes on, we are rushing out hearts out just to send in the names and the title. It is my last year in high school; I really don’t want to screw it up. It means a lot to me. I know I might sound a little desperate but well, it is a medal and the cert I am looking for. Furthermore, I want to go to Kedah this year for the finals no matter what. It is my wish to be there for drama finals. And all I have is 2 weeks. Serious shit, I only have 2 weeks. And exams is like just around the corner. Sighhh~ wish something could be done! I want drama to be postponed at least till April! Shuckssss.. ~

To that person, you know who you are-
I just don’t get it. A few seconds out of your 24 hours means a lot? Please! Just say it right in front of me that you don’t give it a damn! If you wanna ask that same question, ‘Are you pissed?’, yes I am.. Someone who claims that he will do every single thing and that he will always be there for me. So fake now, when I come to think about it. I am prolly stupid to believe in something like that huh? Have you ever really think about how I feel? How I am? And I am being even stupider to send you a message and not getting any reply. I know my initiative is not appreciated. Since you came back, things were wrong. May be it was because of her. I don’t know. If it was really because of her, I can tell you, you changed a lot. So much. May be you are willing to sacrifice everyone just because of her. I don’t know if it is worth sacrificing everyone because of her. You make you own decision! Anyhow, I guess I would just stop communication with you for the time being, I AM DON’T WANT TO MAKE YOU FAIL ME! Just wake up! Enough said. It is just something in my mind that I want to let it out. I hope it doesn’t pissed you off because I still do care and love even I am mad.

And yes, stupid SPM is like 8 months away. I am counting down daily with my classmates. I just can’t wait for the day to finish high school. Seriously, I don’t want to wear my uniform and hold my heavy bags anymore. Give me a break.
Being so stressed up lately. Serious, the homework and work load given can’t be completed. Nothing can be completed within one night. I tried. I pushed myself. I burn the midnight oil but well, just pure shit! Getting those wackings, scoldings, whining, caning are just so normal to me already. I got used to it. I tried but I can’t. Well, I am not the only one. The whole class goes through it together. I am not alone.
Have teachers ever thought themselves? I hardly have the time to study myself. I look for reasons to skip nowadays. I just need some air to breathe. I need a break. The class is like hell to me. It never brought the joy and the fun that it used to bring me.

Communication. It seems that I am having communication breakdowns with some people. I don’t know if it is my fault or if it is theirs or both parties. I don’t know. I am so sick of it at times. Somehow, it is just that I am not concentrating on what people are really saying. My mind thinks and wanders a lot lately. I have got no idea why.

Getting back to Chinese New Year. The mood isn’t there. I don’t feel any CNY mood at all. I am just tagging alone this celebration I guess. It wasn’t like how it used to be- lively and fun. Thanks for those angpaus and gifts. I just appreciate it.

And Valentines Day, all I want to report is that I got a bottle of stars with scrolls of messages, a small flower and a bear, card and some chocolates. You just gotta guess it is from who =p. Anyhow, thanks to that person!

And teacher/teachers/anyone, if you are reading my blog: This is just my view on somethings. I am sorry if I have offended any of you. I really am. I know the way I expressed myself is a bit vulgar, but I didn’t mean to upset anyone.

With love,