Monthly Archives: May 2007


I am back from a wonderful camp.
Somehow, I am out of words to describe how wonderful this camp is to me and to many. This camp changes lives. Yes, I am so so so tired, I slept almost the whole day. But i know it’s worth every bit of it. I miss camp. I miss the environment. I miss the people. I miss the fun. I miss the worship. I miss the prayers. Really. I do =(
Finally it is has came to an end now.

Leading worship for this big camp hall, with so many people was so scary at first. It really scare me off. However, it did not really stop me from leading people into WORSHIP. I can sense the burden that people are holding on to when they are in church but everything was let go in this camp. Maybe it is the power of prayer and worship. God indeed was moving. When I went on the stage the first time, nothing was about me, nothing was about my voice or nothing was about the team. Everyone was focused on the Lord even the young ones. Everything went on well I would say- minus all the musicians’ mistakes, my out of tune-ess, and the LCD mistakes. It was really an eye opener for me to see how this new generation are willing to just rise up and letting go everything to just come before the Lord. I may have lost my voice, but it is worth every bit of it.

The message was very practical indeed. Learnt many practical ways. It was so amazing that even only the first night, lives were saves (notice the plural form?). God indeed was working in the camp site. How amazing somehow this camp is. It was all messed up even the day before, but everything worked on well because the LORD was by our side.


On the other hand, I am sorry to that special one if I have really ignored you. Really. I was busy throughout the camp. I was trying my very best to msg you every single bit of free time that I have. I really did. The line wasn’t that good for me to call either. I don’t know how to show you that I still love and care for you like before but I really did try. I am sorry for all the time that you were going through. I am sorry. I don’t know whatelse I can say. Anyway, if sorry is gonna heal everything, I would say sorry a zillion times. I miss you.

I understand the hard time you are going through. I am going through it either. It has been a long journey. I know how painful you are feeling isn’t but life has always been this way- full of obstacles. Somehow, I do wonder why this happens but I just can’t give any explanations at the moment. God knows the bigger picture. And yeah, I hope the picture will soon be revealed. I am speechless now. But always remember:

God is too wise to be mistaken,

Too good to be unkind,
When you don’t understand,
When you don’t see His plans,
When you can’t trace His hands,


Why do you see Alvin Kok blog almost everyday? The same answer goes, I tak tau =P
Probably I am too free lately. Doing nothing and contemplating about life.

I don’t have something exact I want to write today. Therefore, this post will be a random one again. Now I somehow felt the excitement of going to camp. Really. I really felt the urgency to leave Kuala Lumpur and start a new life somewhere kinda thing. Well, I am not leaving for good, but at least I am off for 4days 3nights and I hope I will enjoy it. I trust and believe that I will.

Somehow, I am still dreaming of my Aussie trip end of the year and I really really do hope things will work out. I don’t want to stay here anymore. Nothing here is worth my attention except for the memories and for some people whom I guess they will know who. I really need a break after all the years being in an education inside the box. I need to go out to get fresh air. I believed that I have a better future in Aussie. I don’t know why. But I will miss some people. Really.


Don’t ask me the question ‘What if I die?’. I am not gonna even bother contemplating about your death. I don’t want you to leave me so early. Just please don’t remind me of that. Why would you die out of nowhere anyway, rite? So, don’t pop that silly question and scare the hell out of me. But when I told you that I will cry beside you when you die and wait till you resurrect may sound like a joke but it doesn’t mean I won’t do it. I am hell serious. So, don’t even bring it up. Cause it does scare me..


I just felt the urgency of blogging today. I don’t know why.
Life is plain unfair, isn’t it? When you ter-do something or you did not do something wrong, you get penalised. You get the punishment for no reason.
And seriously, who would have ever thought I would get the same fate. I have yet to know the consequences that i am going to face after that incident but I do wish nothing happened. It stirred up a feeling of fear in me. I don’t know why. Probably I am too worry over my reputation or something.

I was just thinking if life was fair, it would be dull isn’t it? Well, I have an interesting and extraordinary God who created it this way. I think seeking Him in these rough times would be an ideal solution. If it wasn’t for Him, I wouldn’t be what I am today. After a few months of bad times, things are starting to be sweeter. I mean, my life was so bitter for the past few months or should I say months of tears and depression?

I know standing firm in Him might not be easy at times. But i know I will be far worst without Him in me. His ways are often not my ways but I thank God for the choices He has given to me. I also thank God for giving me chances. I might not be here without His grace and mercy. I somehow have that grateful feeling in me today. Maybe thats why there is an urgency in blogging today.

Trying to put the past behind me and look at the future that awaits me. Tough- but I am trying. He will never forsake me or leave me. Thats for sure- i know.


Exams is coming to an end =)
I really can’t wait. I don’t give a damn about the Ujian Pengesanan thats coming. Really. Who the hell really cares about it anyway? Sitting for EST papers tomoro makes me feel a lil lightened after numerous miserable sciences papers that i sat for last week.
Somehow, I sense people in the society nowadays lack love. We are so busy that we tend to hate, hate and hate. Stabbing each other- a common thing in the society now. I really really thought through the other day. What true love is all about? Why people love hate more than the love love. Is it because generation changes? I really somehow, God is hinting something to me right now. Imagine when I am just about to write this post, the song ‘All For Love’ is playing on my Media Player. What a coincidence.
Love is such a beautiful thing God has place in each and everyone of us. But we tend to love the wrong things and hate the wrong things. Why so? Love is such a broad topic.
After much thinking, I sense that it is because people are forgetful. They forget about their first love with the Lord and from the Lord.
Walk around the streets, read in the papers, you hear of people get robbed, you see if people get killed. Where is the love in humans? Somehow, i feel the pinch when it came to this topic. I really do. Are their conscience that hardened? People these days can’t even seem to differentiate between right and wrong. I don’t know what is happening to our world today. People just lack love. People just forget about their first love.
On the other hand, holidays are coming. Yesssh, i will enjoy every single bit of my holiday putting aside my studies. I really need a break before i breakdown. It isn’t nice to see my breakdown because I am not a nice guy when I breakdown. And i really mean it. I need holidays, I need computer, I need videos, I need songs, and I need everything except BOOKS!
I mean, I won’t exactly not read a single bit, I might. But won’t be concentrating so much I guess.
Somehow, I told someone about all the miseries I am facing. What is all this about? That person answered me ‘This is life’. Well, I guess life is this miserable, ain’t it. Especially when you are at my age. hehe..
I don’t know if I will be blogging till I am back from camp. I will be away from 27-30th June 2007 because I will be at KLBC Youth Camp at PeaceHaven, Genting Highlands. I will try blog before I go, maybe?
Wow, so many section this time. Well, I have some things to advertise about. Here you go:
Featuring Juwita Suwito, Brian Yim, Doreen Tang
Date: 5th June 2007
Time: 7.30pm
Place: Kuala Lumpur Baptist Church


Touching Heaven Concert
Date: 9th June 2007
Time: 7.30pm
Place: Santuary of Kuala Lumpur Baptist Church
Free admission
Exclusively for youths only.
Date: 30th June 2007
Time: 6-9pm.
Place: Shalom Hall, Kuala Lumpur Baptist Church

Free admission, Freebies, Free food.

Hah. Now you know how busy KLBC can be this coming month. See ya guys =)


Somehow, I don’t know why I still hold on to things so tightly. The hope is gone. I know I need to let go. Let go of all da burdens in my heart, but I just can’t. I wish I can be those people who can just take things up easily and let things go easily. But it is so not me to take things so lightly. I know it is time I realise about letting go about all that my heart is holding on to and I really meant everything. I am mentally prepared to let go but my heart is holding back. I somehow don’t want to let go and end up having to hate that person for life. I wish I can learn to let go and just let the past be behind me and look forward as the future awaits me. I know the longer I hold on, the more I have to keep in my heart.

But , I just can’t let things go.It doesn’t exactly annoys me. But I know it is time to let go. I know all I can keep is the memories of the past and nothing else. I really wonder how people let things go so easily? I really wonder. I wish I can just some sort be like them in anyway possible. I know I don’t have to tell again how painful my heart is daily. I know it is everywhere in my blog lately.


Exams is around the corner. It is normal for me to feel moody. I know I am one lazy ass who just never studies. Tell me about it- SPM is near. I know. But I just don’t have the patience and the determination to study like how i used to have when I was sitting for PMR. Imagine me really sitting and studying for PMR, that year wasn’t stressful because I worked hard and have always been consistent in being an average student.

I wish I can still be that same old Alvin who does what is best for himself. Not losing patience. Having hope. Having determination. Having perseverance. I want it all back- badly. I am trying so hard. Everyday, I try to sit and read but I will end up playing with other things like sudoku, handphone, radio etc etc.

Exams to me is like a routine now anyway. Really. I sit for exams every month, almost every week. So, there is nothing to be afraid of. Exams is now like chores to me I guess. Sitting at the same spot everytime doing my own thing (sleeping) for the first part of the exam and really trying to figure out answers when time is almost up.

If you are asking if I have the mood for exams, I will never have. Exams is still torture to me although it is like a chore now. Exams now also became a time for me to think a lot. I start to think about my own life etc etc etc during exams (especially the 2 hour paper). Now you know why I have kinda a variety of blog title in my blog lately. It is all because of the exams.


Feeling a little down for some time now really makes me wake up and learn more about life and people. People can change. Young, old, etc etc CAN CHANGE. Some change for the bad and some change for the good. Experiencing both changes really widened my view about how selfless and how selfish people can be. Those who were selfless have a big heart. They always aim to serve and not to be served. This people always changes to be better day by day. Some of their heart and their willingless somehow amazes me. On the other hand, people with a selfish attitude can never be successful. It is obvious. I have seen it for myself. I am not mentioning names but I think it is time I should look at my own life in the mirror and really think about how I can be for the better.

Being selfless is not exactly good though. Many takes you for granted. And I really hate those people who take things for granted. Being selfless also doesnt mean people will appreciate you in return. Somehow, being selfless is not only about giving giving and giving. We need to receive too. If not, we will somehow be dying inside like how I am feeling now. Trying to maintain a balance of both is not easy. But I am trying. =)

Thats alllah. Biology papers tomoro. Sigh..

can u ever have the brains to think

Can you ever have the brains to just think about what you just did?
I know I am leaving this blog post hanging. Who the hell cares rite?
Look and see if i really did it.
Don’t just give my blardy name to reach your quota or to get a good reputation as a good teacher. You just suck.
I have not done it and I have to face the music? How ridiculous can this be?
Everyone blardy simply agree that, yeah, YOU SUCK!
Getting some punishments over things I have not done just kills me.
Furthermore, needless to elaborate, you know how strict my school is now?
Just leave me alone.


I am sorry if I ever neglected you in my post.

Writing that I love you will never be enough somehow and someway.
I hope you know that deep within, I am still the same old me.
It has never change and it will never change.
I hope you understand that at this point of time, life hasn’t been great.
But you tried to make it look great for me and I am thankful for that.


What sick is wrong with me huh?

The song ‘Hati Ini Telah Dilukai’ by Ajai and Kris/Nurul just kept playing in my ears.
Probably the novel The Pearl influenced me? I don’t know.
I have songs in my mind and the song will just play based on my feelings in my mind.
How great? -even during exams.
Probably what I wanted to throw out is that:
Semalaman terkenangkan dirimu
mengalir air matu membasahi pipi
mengapa kau sanggup meninggalkan diriku
sedangkan kau tahu perasaan ini
Kau berjanji, akulah kekasihmu
sanggup singkirkan semua cinta yang lalu
tidak ku duga ini akan terjadi
kata perpisahan yang kau pinta
Biarkanlah, biarkan aku hidup sendirian
tak inginku mengenangkan kisah lama
biarkanlah, biarkan aku hidup sendirian,
kerana hati ini, telah dilukai.
Exams is on. So, i don’t wanna blog so longlah. Lazy lazy mee..

at times..

If you were asking me to describe my life in a song 2 days ago, I will sing to you:
It’s been a long and winding journey,
but I am finally here tonight,
picking up the pieces,
and walking back into the light.

But somehow, good things comes to an end-very quickly indeed.

Things went back to how it used to be. Annoying right?

I am so tired of writing how fucked up my life is lately. Really.
Things never seem to be good for me.
Everything is unfair, everything is just screwed up.

I have said, I get annoyed easily by the smallest mistake one ever made.

You can’t blame me. Blame the past.
Ever since that happened, I always feel insecure- wherever I am.
Somehow, I want to let go of so many things. I want to.
But deep inside me, I can’t.
I know I can’t. Blame me for holding things too tightly- but i need time to really put down everything.
I have tried ignoring those things that bothers me, but it’s painful inside- no matter how hard I try to ignore it.
Can someone every understand me for once?


Now, why cant you or any others get off my back. Let me live my life and do whatever i’m contented of doing. Leave me to my achievements and maybe dont challenge me on that. Go make your own. Is it compulsory that i get scrutinised for whatever the fuck i do? You think you know me well, but you hardly understand me!

And you, dont think for one moment that everything’s okay. When one person says something, you have your basic rights to question, when 2 says the same thing about you, then you’re dysfunctional somewhere inside.


Yes, it’s exams time. And somehow, I got numb to the ‘exams period’. Peter Yii has made so many exams for the Form fives. Basically every week, there is exams. So it’s kinda normal for me to just sit for exams. And who the hell cares what results I am gonna obtain.
And for people who knows I am from St. John’s.
Stop giving me that look! Stop giving me that expectations.
I can fail you anytime of the day. Really.
It doesn’t mean I am from St. John’s, I would get 9A’s for my SPM.
It doesn’t mean I am from St. John’s, I would get a job easily.
It doesn’t mean I am from St. John’s, I have a future. A bright one.
Recently, people have been talking behind my back and some, in front of me about how I am expected to perform in many other ways just because I am a Johannian.
I am tired of all these nonsence and expectations.
I am not as good as what you guys are thinking.

Life is kinda annoying, ain’t it?