When things go so wrong. I hide it deep within.

I know it is my whole damn fault to put in within myself.

Why am I always this way? I am not blaming anyone for what I am facing today. Not anyone.

But I hope the ‘some’ people understands me. I really hope in this time of stress and depression, people would understand me. I know I get pissed at the slightest mistake someone does now. Really. I would just throw my tantrums and all. I mean I am not asking for sympathy here but i just hope that you would give me some understanding at this time.

Being physically sick- i don’t care. But being emotionally sick really makes me sick. I hate it obviously. If I have a choice to look at things the brighter side, I would have. But at the moment, senses doesn’t get into me. It ‘s not like I don’t want to. But I am not ready to accept those facts and figures. I know that i have to one day- but not at this point of time. I know I am being so different at this point now. You don’t have to tell me. I know I ignore every single thing from you guys if you guys are not important to me. I admit I only reply certain people like my bros and her and jst some people. So unlike me? Just give me some time. I need it.

I don’t want to talk about what have hurt me this much. But just to let you know that I am sorry if I ever hurt you guys with my words or my actions. i have been harsh and mean. Just let me be for a while- friends. I will try. I know how much the ‘backbone family’ of mine is supporting me. Without you guys, I know I might have been hiding myself at home- tearing.

Oh. How can you be missing in action when it is my birthday? Ish…

We’ll do it a few days later yeahs? Well, a few days later simply means me doing something in return cause it is your big day. Not fairrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…. I don’t get something pulakkkk… Sighhh…. I have not exactly think of what to do but something will be done =)

All in all, miss ya and love ya. *hugs and kisses* =)

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Anyway, Hillsong’s tomoroe =)Trying to leave the past behind. Trying. =S

P.S: Don’t read this if you are not prepared to face the fact. Or if you hate vulgar words because this post is gonna be very rude. I assume

You are such a hypocrite. Stop telling me that I have high expectations for you. Stop telling me there are so many obligations that you want to put an end to this. You are just giving excuses. It isn’t reasons. All these, are excuses. I admit I have certain expectations to certain people. But I myself know that the expectations on you is not too high. I have given so much grace. I know what you can do and what you cannot do. I have eyes to see, ears to hear and minds to observe.

You should just tell me that you ain’t blardy interested in this whole relationship already. Because I can see it in you. Really. It is so shitty obvious. Stop thinking you are God. Stop threatening me in breaking off a whole relationship with me. You act like you are God- doing anything as you like, as you wish. Stop manipulating things as you like. It doesn’t fcking me that I am not ready to let go, you can do such things. You are just taking me for granted.

Yes, you are older than me by hell 2 years. But your maturity has never been up on par. You are just so gullible, so shaky. You do things according to your winds and fancy. If you think that you are more matured than I am, you won’t behave this way. How many times do I have to repeat myself? Being with you can make me be in cloud nine or be im hell. At the moment, I consider it hell.

You have never been truthful to me. Why must you do all this to me? I am just staring at the keyboard typing this- tears overflowing. I am gonna breakdown so soon. I don’t want this to happen. You might be all so happy this has happen because you can put an end to me and find some other people. All in all, I just hope that you put yourself in my shoes just for a while. Look at what I am thinking.

Many can testify, it is so hard to get me pissed because I always care for others’ feelings. But you, have made me this pissed and upset. You are such a good pretender. You used to be so sensitive to how I feel and how I am. But now you don’t fcking care. Why must you be this way? I always mean what I say.

In addition, I am tired of apologising over something that i have no control over just to save the relationship between us. Why must I be the one saying sorry all the time just to save this whole chaos that you have caused. I was just thinking whether i was right to blame you for all of the above. But after so much thinking, I think i did not made any wrong decisions in blaming you for the cause of it. I mean if i were to apologise for everything, and you do appreciate it, FINE. But you aren’t giving a whole fck about this.

You are plain selfish. Have you ever even think about how I am to feel. Why must you treat me this way? If you are to really ignore me for the rest of my life, I would just be hurt for the rest of my life. Why the hell am I taking things so seriously with you. Why? If I have never taken things so seriously, I wouldn’t be feeling this way. Or maybe I should be like you- be selfish, don’t care, do as I like and I wish, play around. So that I won’t get hurt. You may think it is amusing for me to write such posts about you, but it isn’t fun. My heart is aching.

I have always been trying to keep your good name. But sometimes, I need to deposit some things somewhere. It is so painful to always act as though nothing has happened. And I can’t do it all the time. I have my limits.

My mind is in such a mess now. thanks to me for thinking of how fcking much you have afffected me now. I know you don’t feel the pain. But I am feeling the cut deeply.

If you are gonna blame me for being ridiculous, lets look at this: You were on cloud nine yesterday. So damn happy. You were good enough to send me a msg telling me that you are and will be busy. Fine! I was understanding enough to know that you are out being happy and doing stuffs for someone. I didn’t force you to reply me, did i? Because I knew you were busy and you told me you were busy. I think I have done my part. So, when on earth do you think I am ridiculous?

In a months time, I know my big day is coming. But I don’t have the mood- not even mood for suprises at the moment unless some remedy is done here. Well, it’s only my birthday. So, what? Yeah, I am 17? No one will take any initiative to give me suprises anyway. Everyone is busy in their own way. Especially the hypocrite above. I finally know what some people really mean to me. I think I have once loved and cared for the wrong person. But I am still holding on- because I stil love and care. I know what I truly am in your heart. And it is still painful deep within. If everything above are settled, prolly it is already a birthday gift to me. I don’t expect much. I am contented.

I know I am writing this with great anger within me, with tears overflowing, with much heartache =(

I am officially sick.

How more proud can I be. I gets sick so damn often that I get so annoyed over being sick. I hate being sick. Seriously, it’s nothing fun being in this damn position. My brains go crazy. I get irritated over the smallest mistake someone does. And i mean I really get irritated. I don’t feel like doing anything. All i want is to sleep sleep and sleep and I don’t even feel like eating- to be frank. What the hell is wrong with my aniti body? Getting sick so often is like killing me.

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I don’t get it. You asked people out there to stop chasing the number of A’s and you yourself are forcing me to get as many A’s as possible. How ironic? Senses just don’t get into me. Really. Why are you pushing me to get the strings of A’s when you are telling people they don’t have to get so many. It is so contradicting that I have failed to decern the right situation and the wrong situation here. Really. Should I or should I not? I mean people always know me for being a procrastinator, a last minute king. And I think I have always proven myself.

Everytime you say that if i improve, you are gonna keep your silence. But everytime I improve, I get more naggings and stuffs. This just annoys me. I am not dropping in terms of results. I am improving. But you have failed to see how much I am improving and you keep comparing me to someone which I don’t think you should be comparing too. First, you compare with him, then another him. So, when will I be able to ever reach the best in my results? You tell me. The more you push me, the more I am pushing it back to you now. It is because I hate being nagged at. I always rise up to challenges and occasion. When have I ever failed you? Why are you giving me so much to bear?

Fine, I am glad to have someone there to push me. To be there for me. But i need some space to myself. I really do. Yeahs yeahs yeahs, everything is your effort during my UPSR and PMR years, I did nothing and it’s all your fame and glory. How kiasu can you get? I am really annoyed. Just leave me alone for some time. It is not like I am not studying. I am. You need to understand me. I am a person who studies when I feel like it. If you are to force me to study when I don’t feel like it, it won’t work. Whats the use of wasting my time. Even if you are gonna ground me, it is of no use if nothing enters my brain cells. I know you blame me for being not matured enough or whatsoever.I don’t really care.

I understand that if i don’t do welll, i don’t get scholarships and this and that. but I am doing averagely well. I think. No one knows better than myself who studies our own education system. I know the education system so well. I know their A’s and all. Can you jsut give me some break. I really need it.

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I am always at fault. I have to say sorry all the time. I just don’t get it. You think you are so right all the time. I have to give in all the time. You still think you are God. You knows the rights and the wrongs. Fine! I give in! If you appreciate me, I give in. But if you don’t, get far far away from here. I mean it. You think I need you to survive. No! You are hell wrong. I don’t! What gets me pissed at this time is you don’t even bother trying. All I wanted to see is that you trying. But you aren’t and I am to be blame for all those stupid arguments and all. How pathetic can I be?

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Sometimes, me giving giving and giving makes me go sick. I need to receive as well but sometimes i guess I need to keep giving and inside me, I am so dried. So dry.

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I am anxiously waiting to leave this pathetic country asap. I know that I will miss some people here. But so be it. I need a break. I have had enough I guess. My eyes are pain after tears that flown our so often recently. I may look a lil tough but inside me. I am not. I heard I will be going to Macau to Hong Kong and to Australia. I don’t know how long I am leaving. But I need a break. A break where I can just clear off my mind and be alone. Prolly I won’t really enjoy myself either as those ‘loved ones’ will not be there. But I guess this world has handphones now. So, i think it’ll be fine. But I am looking forward to the day I can burn my textbooks and uniform and be free.

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Baptist Rally tonight. Sigh. I am tired. I am sick. But well, no matter what I still have the obligations to go. Argh, feeling so uncomfortable. The headache makes me sick. I have lots more to do for Hillsong and Masquerade night things. Well, hopefully my health permits me the strength. Some people do know, I can do work till I get sick. I am somehow a lil like those workaholic people.. =(

If the oppurtunity ever strikes me once more, should I take it or leave it. It is such a temptation to me. Seriously, some people would just take it without realising the consequences and taking the steps of precaution just in case something really happens. Well, I don’t want to do something that get someone into trouble either. It isn’t nice anyway. Or should I say it is hell no good. Probably I was right to just give it a stop to avoid things getting further. It will end up things get worst. I can never imagine what could ever happen. I really can’t imagine. I’ll see what works best for both parties.

**********

Still feeling unsure of what I should do. I am contemplating about stuffs again (as usual!). And it is annoying to contemplate bout ridiculous stuffs isn’t it? But it can’t be control. It is really beyond my control. Well, trying to really get myself to bed every night is already a big issue by it self. It bores me when I can’t sleep. So, i will be bust contemplating about all the nonsence in life that you can never imagine. Seriously, sometimes it sucks when you do that. I really mean it.

I understand the hard time you are going through. I am going through it either. It has been a long journey. I know how painful you are feeling isn’t but life has always been this way- full of obstacles. Somehow, I do wonder why this happens but I just can’t give any explanations at the moment. God knows the bigger picture. And yeah, I hope the picture will soon be revealed. I am speechless now. But always remember:

God is too wise to be mistaken,

Why do you see Alvin Kok blog almost everyday? The same answer goes, I tak tau =P

Probably I am too free lately. Doing nothing and contemplating about life.

I don’t have something exact I want to write today. Therefore, this post will be a random one again. Now I somehow felt the excitement of going to camp. Really. I really felt the urgency to leave Kuala Lumpur and start a new life somewhere kinda thing. Well, I am not leaving for good, but at least I am off for 4days 3nights and I hope I will enjoy it. I trust and believe that I will.

Somehow, I am still dreaming of my Aussie trip end of the year and I really really do hope things will work out. I don’t want to stay here anymore. Nothing here is worth my attention except for the memories and for some people whom I guess they will know who. I really need a break after all the years being in an education inside the box. I need to go out to get fresh air. I believed that I have a better future in Aussie. I don’t know why. But I will miss some people. Really.

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Don’t ask me the question ‘What if I die?’. I am not gonna even bother contemplating about your death. I don’t want you to leave me so early. Just please don’t remind me of that. Why would you die out of nowhere anyway, rite? So, don’t pop that silly question and scare the hell out of me. But when I told you that I will cry beside you when you die and wait till you resurrect may sound like a joke but it doesn’t mean I won’t do it. I am hell serious. So, don’t even bring it up. Cause it does scare me..

I just felt the urgency of blogging today. I don’t know why.

Life is plain unfair, isn’t it? When you ter-do something or you did not do something wrong, you get penalised. You get the punishment for no reason.

And seriously, who would have ever thought I would get the same fate. I have yet to know the consequences that i am going to face after that incident but I do wish nothing happened. It stirred up a feeling of fear in me. I don’t know why. Probably I am too worry over my reputation or something.

I was just thinking if life was fair, it would be dull isn’t it? Well, I have an interesting and extraordinary God who created it this way. I think seeking Him in these rough times would be an ideal solution. If it wasn’t for Him, I wouldn’t be what I am today. After a few months of bad times, things are starting to be sweeter. I mean, my life was so bitter for the past few months or should I say months of tears and depression?

I know standing firm in Him might not be easy at times. But i know I will be far worst without Him in me. His ways are often not my ways but I thank God for the choices He has given to me. I also thank God for giving me chances. I might not be here without His grace and mercy. I somehow have that grateful feeling in me today. Maybe thats why there is an urgency in blogging today.

Trying to put the past behind me and look at the future that awaits me. Tough- but I am trying. He will never forsake me or leave me. Thats for sure- i know.

Exams is coming to an end =)

I really can’t wait. I don’t give a damn about the Ujian Pengesanan thats coming. Really. Who the hell really cares about it anyway? Sitting for EST papers tomoro makes me feel a lil lightened after numerous miserable sciences papers that i sat for last week.

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Somehow, I sense people in the society nowadays lack love. We are so busy that we tend to hate, hate and hate. Stabbing each other- a common thing in the society now. I really really thought through the other day. What true love is all about? Why people love hate more than the love love. Is it because generation changes? I really somehow, God is hinting something to me right now. Imagine when I am just about to write this post, the song ‘All For Love’ is playing on my Media Player. What a coincidence.

Love is such a beautiful thing God has place in each and everyone of us. But we tend to love the wrong things and hate the wrong things. Why so? Love is such a broad topic.

After much thinking, I sense that it is because people are forgetful. They forget about their first love with the Lord and from the Lord.

Walk around the streets, read in the papers, you hear of people get robbed, you see if people get killed. Where is the love in humans? Somehow, i feel the pinch when it came to this topic. I really do. Are their conscience that hardened? People these days can’t even seem to differentiate between right and wrong. I don’t know what is happening to our world today. People just lack love. People just forget about their first love.

LOVE LIFE, LOVE GOD, LOVE PEOPLE.

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On the other hand, holidays are coming. Yesssh, i will enjoy every single bit of my holiday putting aside my studies. I really need a break before i breakdown. It isn’t nice to see my breakdown because I am not a nice guy when I breakdown. And i really mean it. I need holidays, I need computer, I need videos, I need songs, and I need everything except BOOKS!

I mean, I won’t exactly not read a single bit, I might. But won’t be concentrating so much I guess.

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Somehow, I told someone about all the miseries I am facing. What is all this about? That person answered me ‘This is life’. Well, I guess life is this miserable, ain’t it. Especially when you are at my age. hehe..

I don’t know if I will be blogging till I am back from camp. I will be away from 27-30th June 2007 because I will be at KLBC Youth Camp at PeaceHaven, Genting Highlands. I will try blog before I go, maybe?

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Wow, so many section this time. Well, I have some things to advertise about. Here you go:

Date: 5th June 2007

Time: 7.30pm

Place: Kuala Lumpur Baptist Church

2. HILLSONG

Touching Heaven Concert

Date: 9th June 2007

Time: 7.30pm

Place: Santuary of Kuala Lumpur Baptist Church

Free admission

Date: 30th June 2007

Time: 6-9pm.

Place: Shalom Hall, Kuala Lumpur Baptist Church

Free admission, Freebies, Free food.

Hah. Now you know how busy KLBC can be this coming month. See ya guys =)