When I feel that there is no one who cares for me, I always felt more of God’s presence in my life. Yeah, I may be depressed when I am lonely and there is no one there for me. But for that period of time, I learn to depend on God. Not that I am saying I am always lonely, but at times even if there is friends around, I don’t feel like talking to them. Whilst not wanting to talk to them maybe my fault, but probably is the time where God wants me to understand something. I do know I lack trust at times but His love, grace and mercy always carries me through. He is just amazing. As I grew older, I start to feel the more of His presence in my life. You may think this is no true story but I can testify it is true.

In times of help and my loneliness, God always send me friends. It is just that particular right time, where the people will just sms me unexpectedly. Isn’t He amazing?

Today was my Physics and Chemistry paper. A certified-death paper, I call it. Before exams, I go into the hall telling myself and reminding myself with the song God Will Make A Way. Indeed, he made a way for my Physics paper. I felt that someone was writing answers for me. Not so for my Chemistry paper. Although I trusted He will do miracles, but my Chemistry paper was so easy. For the first time, I left answers blank. I used do use a M-16 and shoot all the don’t know questions, but I didn’t for Chemistry because Chemistry equations can’t just be tembak-ed. I don’t want to feel stupid when teacher return my paper. I rather have it blank. Poor me…

Tomorrow is my Add Maths paper, it’s a nightmare! I think I definitely can’t sleep tonight. Sigh.. I am just worry I will flunk the paper! Will I? I have got to wait till tomorrow comes…

Till then, sigh..

IT’S FINALLY THE WEEKEND. I mean everyday I anticipate for the arrival Friday. I just love Friday and I can’t wait for Saturday and Sunday, when I get to meet up with people whom I really feel like meeting up with. It feels great when it is Friday. When it is Friday’s I have this enthusiasm in doing anything and everything, because it is just so close to the weekends.

I do admit I have Monday blues. I do!! You can see the moody Alvin walking around like a zombie in a bad mood in school. Everything just doesn’t make sense on Monday. =(

Not to be ashamed to tell that I have mood swings as well. I can really be in a bad mood when something bad just happens. My face will be as black as charcoal. And chatting with me on MSN will get stupid response, just like when you’re chatting with ghosts. I know it may be weird but yeah, so what? I can be really be irritated and agitated at times till I don’t bother looking at my phone. Those who know me well will know that, phone is part of my life. And it’s kinda hard to see me not with my phone. But at times, I just don’t feel like answering any phone calls and replying any of the messages. I can be that annoyed. Try me if you don’t believe. And I do hate it when people who are suppose to reply messages; don’t reply out of a sudden. Yeah, you know who you are. I don’t exactly hate it but I just find it a bit too much. I am bothered by it. Don’t you think it’s a bit unfair for me to reply you straight away and you, not to even bother or take your own sweet time to reply? Yeah, but to some extent, I don’t really mind. Not trying to make anyone feel guilty here but just a piece of my mind. But it is nothing lah, actually… Probably I am just a bit over sensitive at times.

I do feel that as I grow older, I began to be over-sensitive. And when I am over-sensitive, I tend to over-react. I just have no idea what on mother earth is wrong but it is probably just part of growing up, I guess… I don’t wish to feel like that but sometimes it just pops up. Not that I can stop my mind from excessive thinking or something. Haha

Okay, enough of some nuisance thoughts from me. Please understand that the writer is sitting for his exams. Therefore, it is the tense and pressure that has cause him to spill his evil thoughts in this blog of his. =)

Good day, people!

Sometimes I just feel miserably annoyed. I don’t wanna elaborate on it. People involve should know who they are.

All I can say is that some people’s mentality suck, especially that pure Chinese mentality. I am not being a hypocrite here trying to criticize my own race or anything. But I would just like to make some damn remarks here: SOME Chinese really have their own thinking that is so so so so so wrong! I just couldn’t emphasize any much further, but yea- their thinking is so bad. When thinking is bad, actions is equally bad. Words they use penetrates right deep into your heart. It is really painful at times. But I just kept quiet to avoid any hell of problems that will continue. They also have this mentality of not forgetting. I mean, yea, problems to pop up but they just won’t stop whining about it! I am not being ironic but it is just so true. I just don’t wanna talk any longer on it And I repeat, I am not criticizing my own race or anything. This is just true! Notice around and you’ll see…

I am miserably annoyed not only because of the above- there are many factors related to it. Chinese mentality is just one of them.

Chinese being Chinese, maybe- the kiasu attitude, the wanting to win attitudes…

Total rubbish I find it.

Okay, yeah.. I hate exams since God-knows-when. It is total nightmare. Yeah, I may be the few best in the class… But it is USED TO BE. I am no more one of the few best. Probably my feelings of giving up everytime I open my books. I feel helpless and I would just stare at the books like I am learning something. I don’t have anymore of those enthusiasms I used to have in studying since some time ago. It is obvious that I couldn’t care when my friends come and ask me ‘How is exams?’, ‘Oh, what a result’, ‘Haha, Alvin is lower than me’. Yeah, so what? I am lower! I am more terrible! Any other words you want me to add. You guys beat me, so? Happy izit? You think I really give a damn about it? I don’t. I used to when I was in Form 3, but no more! Even the stupidest boy could probably be smarter than me…. Ah, like I said- Who cares? I don’t have the kiasu attitude! Furthermore, I study for knowledge! Since when have I ever study for exams? Never in my life- I tell you!

I am just not into that good mood nowadays. Thanks to that particular some people. If you people reads this and suddenly felt a pinch in yourself. Yeah, that’s you! YOU! You made my life miserable. Either you come and apologize for all that you have done or you can just shut up and let me dislike you forever! Too bad…. No other remedy!

When it just isn’t my month, have been sick for the past consecutive weeks and yeah, it is exams week… which basically means finals for my Form 4.

Headache, headache and headache all day long just isn’t good… I kinda feel that my body is weak this few weeks. I don’t know what is happening but I am feeling helpless in this state of health…

Exams started 2 days ago and everything is kinda fine although I don’t really think I will do well… Yeap, and the first day of exams got me very pissed. It was really a horrible way to start my week. Everything kinda went wrong, what I wrote wasn’t right, writing the wrong things is just making me worst. I don’t know what I was writing. And the fact that if I do well, all glory belongs to the Lord for I think He wrote those essays for me. I don’t think I was writing and part of it. When the exam time is over, I noticed- “Wow, I finished’. Time flew that fast that particular moment that I didn’t even notice. It was a 2 and a half hour paper but ended up, it was like a 5minutes paper. Part of the miseries were contributed with the haze. Haze is so damn terrible in the city, my school can hardly see the KL Tower. What the crap I was doing the past few days left unanswered. This is just a short blog writing of how I am feeling being a helpless human being in times of difficulties. Cioz.

Alvin

When you find that everything you do, just ain’t right makes you feel like giving up at times…

I find that I am trying so hard to studyyy…
trying and trying and trying… but I just can’t concentrate…
end i end up being on frenster, being on blogger(like now), going through mails…

ish…. i just find that everything i am doing is just plain weird….
i am sick and trying to tell myself i need to at least read a bit.. but i can’t! i jsut don’t know whyyy….
i really need someone to scold me and push me, then i’ll study i guess…
My spirits in FORM 3 PMR is all missing… hmph,….
thats all for now, i guess…

I find it so hard to forgive people nowadays..
The word ‘It’s okay’, ‘Don’t worry’, ‘Everything is fine’, I just can’t express it just like that!
Yess, it is like taking the world from meee…
Well, of course i do forgive people, but not everyone,
sometimes, things done needs a lot of time to recover or perhaps reflection over the wrongdoings of others…
It is not that I don’t want to forgive, but it is really hard at times…

People who have not talk to me for long due to some issues suddenly came up to me this few days and say hi and his person started noticing me! =p
I was like, ‘owwh… okay’ and yeah, u guessed it right there… I did not replied this person!
I felt a lil guilty after that but i think i need time to really see what works best between us.
Instead of just saying a hi and accepting people’s apology just like that is kinda lame plus i have NOT forget what actually happened…
Although what actually happened wasn’t a big deal after alll..
I just felt uncomfortable replying this person anymore…
I am controlling my emotions once again,
the guilty feelings are felt is so strong till for once, i thought I was the one in the wrong..
Knowing well, I wasn’t! =p
On the other hand, being brought up from a CHristian background which teaches me to forgive and forget is yet not forgotten…
I am trying, and I hope I am not trying too hard and that everything will just be okay…
I don’t mind having this person as a friend, but I need to take consideration of the things he has done to me, the influence he is going to give to me, the impact he is in my life…
I don’t wanna be influenced and affected by people so easily…
Therefore, a real forgiveness from me needs a lot of time….

I am sincerely sorry to say this but yeah, this is what I have been thinking for the past days..

And owh, yeah…
I’ve been invited by Actors Studio Bangsar to be involve in a pioneer program that wll be aired on National Television. I don’t know if it is really genuine, but will seee =p

And yeah, acting maybe one of my interest but not my occupation, I hope…
But wherever my Lord leads, I follow…

Alvin

For the buaya…
For all those times you stood by me,
For all the truth that you made me see,
For all the joy you brought to my life,
For all the wrong that you made right,
For every dream you made come true,
For all the love I found in you,
I’ll be forever thankful baby,
You’re the one who held me up, never let me fall.
You’re the one who saw me through, through it all

You were my strength when I was weak,
You were my voice when I couldn’t speak,
You were my eyes when I couldn’t see, you saw the best there was in me,
Lifted me up when I couldn’t reach, you gave me faith ‘coz you believed,
I’m everything I am, because you loved me.

You gave me wings and made me fly,
You touched my hand I could touch the sky,
I lost my faith you gave it back to me,
You said no star was out of reach,
You stood by me and I stood tall, I had your love I had it all.
I’m grateful for each day, you gave me,
Maybe I don’t know that much, but I know this much is true.
I was blessed because I was, loved by you.

You were my strength when I was weak
Lifted me up when I couldn’t reach, you gave me faith ‘coz you believed,
I’m everything I am, because you loved me.
You were always there for me, the tender wind that carried me,
A light in the dark, shining your love in-to my life,
You’ve been my inspiration, through the lies you were the truth,
My world is a better place, because of you.

For the past few days, I’ve been having this crazy, stupid headache, with added frusts and miseries. Life has not been treating me good…

Many who know me well, knows that I am always aiming to be the best, aiming to be excellence, and here I repeat, excellence! Not perfection!
But at times, aiming for the best makes myself a better person and make situation far worst. I’ve never expected something this bad can happen- the fights, the arguments has constantly been annoying and irritating me. With just the one word- NO! -can cause such things to happen. The questions of am I in the wrong, what have I done wrong, what have I said are left unanswered.

Through the many grueling years I’ve been through, Form 4 seems to be the worst. I have not answer to it but everything just doesn’t go smooth. Everything I hope for or dream for are scattered, most of them laa… I don’t mind if it is scattered, but my concern is that I wanna know what is the reason? I am left blur when it comes to the question, Why is my life so miserable this year? Seriously, my brain is as clean as a white piece of blank paper when I am to answer myself! At times, I reflect on the many things I’ve done, I know I’ve not done enough, but I have tried… Have I tried too hard? I have got no idea at all…

Having constant disturbing questions like this makes me go cranky…
How and how and how am I supposed to help myself…. I am always left unanswered!

But one thing for sure: having the love of friends and family and GOD, makes me go through my hours faster and easier. Seriously, they have made a great impact on my life. They are never forgotten.

And most of all:
I am accepted
I am anointed
I am adopted
I am blessed
I am born again
I am bold
I am blameless
I am changed
I am commissioned
I am a conqueror
I am called
I am a son of God
I am chosen
I am capable
I am crucified
I am delivered
I am dead to sin
I have eternal life
I am complete
I am clean
I have faith
I am forgiven
I am free
I am free from sin
I have foundation
I have glory
I am glad
I have grace
I am holy
I am God workmanship
I am an heir
I am healed
I have inheritance
I have joy
I am kept
I have life
I am loved
I have liberty
I am like Christ
I am a new creation
I am justified
I am part of Christ body
I have peaceI have power
I am quickened
I am a royal priest
I am redeemed
I am righteous
I have a sound mind
I am strong
I am sanctified
I am seated with Christ
I am triumphant
I have wisdom
I am victorious
This is who I am in Christ and forever!!

Indeed it is really really true. GOD has proven himself faithful and true..

For the past few weeks, the song ‘Jesus Shall Take The Highest Honor’ really touch me.

The lyrics of the chorus which reads:
For all honor, and blessing and power,
Belongs to You, belongs to You,
All honor and blessing, and power,
Belongs to You, belongs to You,
Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God

Indeed, all honour blessing and power belongs to Him, for He is great..
I’ve got no idea why it really touches my heart, but I think it is because I know God is working in and through me, and he is assuring me that For All I’ve Done, all honor, blessings and power belongs to Him… He is indeed amazing! =P

To my dearest *HER*,
I would like to just thank ya for being my pillar of hope and strength,
You have been great…
Making the deal of putting Him first instead of our relationship makes our relationship blooms faster and better. Knowing well that He is great and he is the author and perfection of our faith makes us feel secured..
Love you for all that you are and all that you have been!

By the way, eh I wantttt more sandwich, although I know I am getting fat, but it’s all your fault… =PPP
Sandwich sandwich sandwich sandwich…..
And the way you asked me to eat the sandwich was hilarious,
Love ya to bits! =P

All honor, and blessing and power belongs to HIM,
Alvin

In just a blink of my eye,
The clock ticks,
And everything changes,
From the good moment to the most furious moment of the year 2006,

I might have just said in my previous blog that life has been treating me good, and in a blink of my eye, everything can go wrong… Making my life miserable and torturous…

There may be a saying or a proverb which says that adults know more than you(the younger people). To make some sense, sometimes it can be really true as they have gone through so much in their life. But to certain extent, they might also be the one that makes the most mistakes… No one wants a bad history to repeat itself!
The adults are the one who really got me on my nerves the pas few days!
For example, during the worship team outing. Everything went so smoothly and it was really fun but in just a few seconds, everything changes…
They (the adults) think that they are so great, so pro and most of all, they think that they are right…

We had a discussion about the worship team and they brought up a lot of pointers- which I personally thought it was great!

The part when I was furious was when everything they goes wrong in the worship team- lack of people, not enough potential etc etc they WOULD PUT THE BLAME ON THE YOUTHS! As one of the leaders of ROCK, I would obviously have to defend ROCK! I, me, myself knows so well that now, ROCKers’, are serving in many ministries already!
For example, me and Su May serve almost 3-4weeks in a month while they only serve for just once a week! So, what is with the youths? Me and Su May have been occupied serving in the Hartamas Centre and First Service when they only serve in the 2nd service… SO, ain’t I right to say that we are doing more than what they are doing? I am not trying to say that we are great and we are doing more. My point here is that the youths are gonna be exhausted one day, if they continue to serve in the way they are serving now! All of us have to go through a cycle- which is to receive and to give! We receive from ROCK, and we give it out when we serve. The fact that some of us are only giving and not receiving! My point is that they themselves needs growth, they can just be burned out one day if they were to continue giving and giving without even receiving.

I don’t expect all the adults to serve every week, but at least I know the youths are doing their part. So, why blame the youths? The weaker group? NO!

When I said a firm NO in the discussion, they thought I was defensive over ROCK, and to them, everything is a NO to me. That’s not my point. If we still serve, it means basically I am full all 4 weeks, so, now how? Erm, serve 2-3 times in the 4 weeks. Ain’t I gonna be dead real soon, if I really do that? I am already being juggled every week into different places, so, what do they expect me or the youths to do? They just aren’t understanding! Can’t they just even volunteer themselves to serve more in a month? Can’t they avail themselves to give training (For your info, youths give training to the younger group), can’t they just get out of their comfort zone and work with some other people? Can they? NO!
The youths may be easier in mingling with anybody and everybody, but that’s not the way! It has to be fair..
At times, I pity Ashley! She just aren’t in control with this old folks! They think that they are always right! Oh please, even the arrangement of the band in the new building, the brand of the instruments, the rehearsal place also they have to argue… What more you want me to say!

In short, I just can’t help but to defend the youths and the ROCKers. No more misusing us… more than enough!