TURNING PROMISES INTO LIES
I keep wondering why people in my life never keep their promises. The things they utter are just like words uttered by a 3 year old kid. Can someone just keep their promises for once? If you never mean what you are going to say, never say it! Sometimes, you may have say the things repeatly but do u really mean it? Giving false hopes to someone really hurts, especially you. you never bother keeping your promises and that hurts me most. Deep inside me, there are a lot of anxieties, hurts, thoughts, fears and all. This year hasn’t been all-good. Faking out my smiles and laughters all day just make me feel so tired sometimes. Thinking and going through of all that has happened, i learned a lot. Yes, the pain is still there but the amount of things i have learn through those experiences are so valuable. Nevertheless, i just wish that everything goes on well. Trying my very best to make my promises never to turn into lies…

Finally, the script for drama is out. Kevin manage to complete it in days. Great job dude =)

I know the drama team is ready to create more dramas in the midst of preparing for the Drama Competition. We pledge to do our best and like i said, it is my last year in high school and it means so much to me. Words can never explain how much it means to me. Yessssh, i may not have that great of a confidence now for drama but I am trying to regain that confidence I used to have.

Life has not been that miserable this week YET. I hope it stays that way. Looking at things on the positive note, I hope that everything will go in place.

I am ready and all set to make more dramas =p

My blog. My dear blog. A place where I throw out my everything- my feelings, my thoughts and stuffs. And again, I am gonna just talk about those things are am just so pissed off with. Sometimes, I try not to throw my anger here but it just seems to flow out along the way. I am sorry.

My journey as a Form 5 students is still full with nightmares and miseries. Still wishing things will always be the same as how it used to be. A part of me tells me that a journey must have obstacles and I must learn from it, and the other part of me just wish to give up at times. Really. Is giving up the best solution? I don’t know. But I felt, giving up might be the best but painful solution. I don’t know.

First things first, DRAMA! For those who care about me, DON’T WORRY! I am not taking directorship this year. It is my very own decision that I have made. Being the director of the last year’s drama, it ain’t easy although I have learnt a lot and I have got to know people’s characters and their attitude and learn more about appreciating arts. I guess I should just give this title away to someone else. That doesn’t mean I don’t support the drama team anymore! Whether or not I am in the team, my full support goes to them! They will be the only team I vie for and I know they will live up to the standard.

Starting off, last Wednesday, Pn Gokilavani (my drama teacher apart from Ms Ellina) came to see me in class. She told me that Drama Competition is on March 19th, 2007. I was like: ‘OMG, teacher!’. It is just 2 weeks aways. She told me I have to submit the names latest by Friday. I was like, Okayyy. Aparently, CBN and other surrounding schools have already started their preparation and their all ready for it. Yes, it is kind off unfair. I immediately gave Ms Ellina a call and talked to her about it. I have got no idea if there is something wrong somewhere as how can CBN get the letter earlier than us by weeks? I am surprised. Well, life still goes on, we are rushing out hearts out just to send in the names and the title. It is my last year in high school; I really don’t want to screw it up. It means a lot to me. I know I might sound a little desperate but well, it is a medal and the cert I am looking for. Furthermore, I want to go to Kedah this year for the finals no matter what. It is my wish to be there for drama finals. And all I have is 2 weeks. Serious shit, I only have 2 weeks. And exams is like just around the corner. Sighhh~ wish something could be done! I want drama to be postponed at least till April! Shuckssss.. ~

To that person, you know who you are-
I just don’t get it. A few seconds out of your 24 hours means a lot? Please! Just say it right in front of me that you don’t give it a damn! If you wanna ask that same question, ‘Are you pissed?’, yes I am.. Someone who claims that he will do every single thing and that he will always be there for me. So fake now, when I come to think about it. I am prolly stupid to believe in something like that huh? Have you ever really think about how I feel? How I am? And I am being even stupider to send you a message and not getting any reply. I know my initiative is not appreciated. Since you came back, things were wrong. May be it was because of her. I don’t know. If it was really because of her, I can tell you, you changed a lot. So much. May be you are willing to sacrifice everyone just because of her. I don’t know if it is worth sacrificing everyone because of her. You make you own decision! Anyhow, I guess I would just stop communication with you for the time being, I AM DON’T WANT TO MAKE YOU FAIL ME! Just wake up! Enough said. It is just something in my mind that I want to let it out. I hope it doesn’t pissed you off because I still do care and love even I am mad.

And yes, stupid SPM is like 8 months away. I am counting down daily with my classmates. I just can’t wait for the day to finish high school. Seriously, I don’t want to wear my uniform and hold my heavy bags anymore. Give me a break.
Being so stressed up lately. Serious, the homework and work load given can’t be completed. Nothing can be completed within one night. I tried. I pushed myself. I burn the midnight oil but well, just pure shit! Getting those wackings, scoldings, whining, caning are just so normal to me already. I got used to it. I tried but I can’t. Well, I am not the only one. The whole class goes through it together. I am not alone.
Have teachers ever thought themselves? I hardly have the time to study myself. I look for reasons to skip nowadays. I just need some air to breathe. I need a break. The class is like hell to me. It never brought the joy and the fun that it used to bring me.
I WISHED I WAS SITTING FOR SPM TOMORROW!

Communication. It seems that I am having communication breakdowns with some people. I don’t know if it is my fault or if it is theirs or both parties. I don’t know. I am so sick of it at times. Somehow, it is just that I am not concentrating on what people are really saying. My mind thinks and wanders a lot lately. I have got no idea why.

Getting back to Chinese New Year. The mood isn’t there. I don’t feel any CNY mood at all. I am just tagging alone this celebration I guess. It wasn’t like how it used to be- lively and fun. Thanks for those angpaus and gifts. I just appreciate it.

And Valentines Day, all I want to report is that I got a bottle of stars with scrolls of messages, a small flower and a bear, card and some chocolates. You just gotta guess it is from who =p. Anyhow, thanks to that person!

And teacher/teachers/anyone, if you are reading my blog: This is just my view on somethings. I am sorry if I have offended any of you. I really am. I know the way I expressed myself is a bit vulgar, but I didn’t mean to upset anyone.

With love,
Alvin

sorry for not blogging for some time now. i really dont have the mood to blog nowadays. i don’t know where all my blogging juices had gone.

life has been miserable. really miserable. no mood for anything. not even this chinese new year season. just sucks to feel this way. =(

things are so wrong. really wrong. i don’t know why. this year just hasnt been fanstastic. it is just so different. why? i dont know.

school sucks, people sucks and sometimes, friends suck as well. not all. but most of them. when will this end, you ask me. i don’t know, my dear friends. i am just so confused at the moment. and i am still figuring it out lah..

Life in me is like a roller coaster.
Never stable, it goes up and down.
Nothing is certain within me. I just don’t know why.
I have said it counltess times and i am saying it again: I really wish things were like 2006!
It’s a hell I have been through,
Wish there is always an angel on my shoulder.
Sine the start of the year, things were already wrong and it is now getting even worst.

I am trying..
Really.. I am..
I have tried so hard to make your very own advise sink into my damn brains.
And wish all da stupid cells inside can accept those facts.
What you said were not all wrong- Starting the year right, and it should be okay..
I have tried, not like i did not?
But nothing seems to work..
I am tired of faking things out..
Really, i am..
The smile on my face is so fake.
I know you sense it.
My thinking isn’t right these days.
Worst still, imagine, alvin kok who doesn’t feels like eating? or even going out.

Sometimes, I just need that special time alone.
Life here is really like hell, now…
Deep within me, i know that my Lord is with me..
But why must everything be this fake?
Those special happy and joyous moments are still in my mind as it was just yesterday.
Must all good times end so abrutly? Must it?
I wish i had an answer to why things are like this!
Never have i ever thought life would go this way.
I know i am being very really negative, but do i have a choice?
I wish i had…

I am tired of faking things out..
The smile, the handshakes, the words, the care and the love..
I know i am an actor, a naturally born actor who is suppose to act out the life of Alvin Kok!
But does it really mean I have to really act out every single bit of it?
This acting is so different, it is basically lies, fakeness and all..
Wish i can be that good actor who jsut acts out the real Alvin Kok!
Is it that tough? Is it?

I don’t know.. I am confused as to why must things be or end up this way.
I really am..
And if you are really reading it now, and if you don’t know the Alvin Kok of 2007, you should know me by now…

Probably this is just the sick life of mine…

must every good thing end up this way?

knowing well, things aren’t right. But I can’t do anything =(
it is so bothering. i feel that I am so pathetic.
at this point, i am bearing all the pain, the hurt and all.
asking myself, many times, Why?
i can never seem to answer this damn question.
is it because of me? my attitude? my reaction? my sensitivity?
i jsut felt that everything happened because of me, the one and only me.
i don’t seem to be able to help in anything but to jsut give more heartaches to people.
feeling lethargic with everything that is happening. really.
feel like just giving up everything and do a runaway or something.
it’s just tough. never easy.

FORM 5, the miserable year is beginning to get worst.
things never gets right.
everything that i hoped for or dream or even prayed for will never come through.
is it jsut with me? why me?
it’s tough. don’t like to blame anyone but is it my fault on the other hand?
i really want to know.
can someone please tell me?

and now, something else next.
i know my blogs are desribing nothing that ur gonna understand. but i’ll just go on.
i just can’t let go the memories, the joy, and everything i have build up with you.
i know i am feeling selfsih or greedy. whatever u wish to say, but it just hurts for those things you have said to me.
really..

feeling tired of all these things. really i am tireddddd…
still trying, pushing myself through, the bleakest and the darkest times in my life.
why why and why? i just don’t know.. really i don’t..

OKay, yeah, school reopen-ed already.
It symbolises the start of my misery- FORM 5.
Things are different, i don’t know why I keep harping on the same thing over and over again.
Things are gonna be different, never the same.
People are expecting more in Form 5.
Some teachers are stressed up, not to mention, students too.
Look at the faces of my classmates and you’ll know.
Everyone is suffering da same ‘fate’, i guess, since it is SPM year.

I am just getting plain annoyed!
What is with comparing us to Victorians, CBNers, MBSians?
Is it that important?
Yeah, we may end up the best, but does it means anything?
Every single teacher, supervisor and ever the principal comes in and nag on the same old thing!
I guess yeah, it is creating a ‘healthy’ competition but the fact that this gives extra stress!
They talk as if we don’t want to do well, but I know deep inside my heart, I want too!
Stop telling me that if i don’t do well, I’ll go to Confucion and stuffs.
Enough!
I know I am getting myself into hot soup by writing my unhappiness and disatisfaction, so be it!
Ask yourself, who don’t want to be the best?
But must we compare? Hmmm..

Next up, stressed up teachers?
Cikgu bertekanan tinggi?
Gosh, these(this) teacher is just plain crazy!
Some of you are now guessing, and I guess there are not more than 2 in SJI!
S/he is doing work based on feelings.
Scolding us for something we did not do wrong!
Giving homework like mad!
Screaming and shouting in the class like an animal!
Assuming things herself!
Today was the first class s/he entered,
and we got scolding for nothing.
I remembered one of her phrase ‘Like it or not, whatever the teacher says is law in school’
I was like, yeah? So, what is with stressful teacher’s word(s) being law!
I was like looking around with my classmates and we were doing the eye signal thing.
She is just crazy!!
Being in the class early, my friends got scolding too..
Is it wrong?

1 teacher stressed up, 1 teacher having the PMS!
Can die!
Thankfully, the PMS teacher having start yet..
But I think in no time, it’ll start all over again.
Stop telling us you love us!
We would know if you really do, trust me!

And gosh, i am all pissed and annoyed!
All my teachers remained except for my Biology and PJ teacher.
How can they change our dearest Pn Mahzabeen to another funny-behaviour Pn Cheong?
Honestly, I miss Pn Mahzabeen’s teaching.
We all do. Why on earth isn’t she teaching Form 5?
Is just so sad! My class are all asking the same question as I am asking- WHY?
Whatever it is, with Pn Cheong, failure in Biology is assured.
Sssssssiiiiiiiiiiiigggggggggggghhhhhh =(

Is jsut the third day of school, and I have so much to talk about.
I know there’ll be more t0 come…
ISKL, Drama, Debates are all coming up again…
It’s my last year before i leave high school…
Hope to do well..

Honestly, I am looking forward to leaving high school, but I know I’ll miss St John’s, the school I have been since Std 1.
Walking back to school, lepak-ing around Jalan Bukit Nanas and all.
I will miss some teachers, not all..
Like I said, I know who trully loves me as his or her students. I know.
But ST John’s will always be apart of me and my heart. =)

Sorry for not being able to blog nowadays.Am busy, busy with so many stuffs, one after another.
At some point, i really feel it is time for me to give up.
But i guess the joy of the LORD became my strength.
It’s just not the usual me the past 2 months, i guess.
I was a whole new different person.
If you are asking the question of WHY? I don’t know.
People around me will often feel it.
Trust me! They do! And i am thankful that they do care..
People like them are hard to find.
Thanks to you people out there, i am still kicking, alive and well.

Christmas was kinda fun, although I was being a lil moody.
After much waiting and praying and people’s anticipation hurrying me year by year, i finally got baptised.
You know who you are, thanks for all your gifts. love em’ and appreciate it.
For this year, gifts from me are unique because i really took time to shop with Mr Lee, i mean Ah Kit.
Had my Christmas Eve with ROCKers and gang at Talipon Restaurant near Safari.
Went for a midnight or early morning bowling at Endah Parade and then went home.
I know it is nothing unique but at least i had something on..

New Year, another whole new story.
Another chapter of life, new hopes, new dreams.
Another chapter of life in the sense that I am finally 17.
Being 17 isn’t fun, isn’t simple, isn’t easy.
Coming to 17 years old, the only phrase that pops up is ‘SPM IS COMING’.
Not like i want the phrase to comes out, but it just does automatically pop up.
Annoying at times, isn’t it?
Had New Year Eve at Choon Kit’s house, yeah, Jono’s house too- had steamboat and lepak-ed till the night is over…

Now, time to be serious, no more anything attitude.
It’s all back to business! SPM is coming near day by day and it is scaryyyy..
To be honest, I am scared.
Whatever you wanna say, the fear is there.
I have never felt this kinda fear. It is different.
It is the exam that is going to determine my whole future.
It’s in HIs hands no matter what.
Doing my very best.
I know i am late in preparation but will tryyy..

I am in 5O again…
Right directly up from 4O.
KInda dont like the class now!
Things are different, never gonna be the same i guess.
The fun, the joy, the crap, the nonsense we had together is now memories.
Everyone is having the same fear, the same tension.
Having fun in the class is like a big sin already.
We don’t smile and laugh like we used to.
Everyone is serious, really serious in their work.
I guess i might be the only one fooling around here..
But I hope to update my site more.

Blessed Christmas and a Happy New Year!
God’s richest blessings be upon you!

Alvin

When nothing is right, nothing sounds right, GOD IS RIGHT!

I may be expressing my whole lots of anger in my blog again, but yet, it is so true that i could not resist myself but to write it down…

I don’t know… Sometimes, being so good hearted helping people, can end up getting urself in hot soup. Thats what I hate so much! I don’t get the point here! I am helping people and yet, I get the scolding for unfinished and delayed work… It’s so ridiculous…

Oh, so does that means I should just fold my arms and just see the things in front of my eyes get worst? I really don’t understand! It is so true that, when everything ain’t right, GOD is right in someways or another. I know I have friends who is by my side always -who comfort and care for me. They have just be fabulous.

This week has been s hectic especially with ROCK SUNDAY and ROCK ANNIVERSARY. Everything is also like so RUSH… and yea, ended up, i did the work again… sighh…

It has been some time since I blog-ed, cuz i have been freaking busyyyy with stuffs and yea, my blogging juices sudah hilang! SO, who cares.. I’ll get abck here when I feel like it….

Sigh Sigh Sigh…
GOD KNOWS!

And by the way, HAPPY 10th ANNIVERSARY ROCK!