In college; in the midst of a 3 hour break;

Everyone has choices; like it or not. Fair or not. True or not. Everyone has choices; everyone has to have an answer for their choices. With questions comes answers. Answers are often tough to give; tough to make. I am talking about life.

I am in the point of asking myself so many questions and doubting over so many things. Some things goes unnecessary; but yet I am spending so much time dwelling myself in unanswered questions. Everything now is so questionable; it’s motives, it’s purpose; it’s reason. Now I know why people always say, ‘Don’t think too much’, ‘Don’t bother!’, ‘Don’t ask’. I’ve realise that it’s just words to calm one down.

I am asking and doubting on so many things. Questions includes, ‘Was I selfish?’, ‘Maybe I shouldn’t have slept that night?’, ‘Maybe I’ve not done enough?’, ‘Maybe I shouldn’t have did that?’, ‘Was I in the position to even talk?’ and so on and so forth. The questions playing in my head over and over again lft unanswered. The things I’ve done, I still questions it’s motives.

Why am I in such a position? A position that my brains just can’t stop thinking. Dwelling in the thins which maybe I can’t even change or maybe not in the position to change. Why oh Why? Another question, yet again… I wished that I was thought-free. Thought-free in the sense that I can just take a great break of all these unnecessary stuffs.

Somethings appeares to be simple but yet it ended up so complicated. Things that appears so simple often complicates and things that appears so tough and complicated often makes it so simple. This is life. Life is unfair, unjust with unnecessary thoughts. Sometimes I choose not to think but I always fail at the end. Every moment on bed, especially becomes a torture and nightmare because of my wild thoughts.

I wonder how can I get rid of unnecessary thoughts. I’ve tried various ways. Or am I too worried and concern? Maybe I am just a thought provoking person?

Another question left unanswered…

Life has been miserable. I’ve had a tough week. A rough week. A terrible one.
I was tearing myself apart last night. Tears was and were overflowing. Just the moment I thought things were fine. Apparently not! I went through hell. I went through torture. I mean emotional torture. I wonder why I get wounded so easily. Physically, I look fine. I look great but it isn’t that great after all.

My emotional torture is killing me. I have been trying to justify what has been happening. Even to the extent of cheating my own to keep me from being so emotional. But it seems that it doesnt work. Justification just brings more expectations. The more I justify to things, the more I am creating expectations. And I’ve learnt not to create any expectations at all.

I’ve just taken a step to just write an email. A very long email to this person who has been making me this way. It isn’t this person’s fault of making me this way. It is just probably how much I miss this person. And I can’t comprehend things when this person is gone.

Why is everyone leaving me one by one? It’s hurting me deep within. I can’t accept the fact that it’s your turn to leave me. Just after less than 2 months, someone left me. Why am I seeing you leave and crying all over it when I can’t do much. I don’t know. Things are getting so tough along the way. Justifying it, I told myself God will never allow something that I can’t bear. But it seems so unbearable on my side.

I am reluctant to see you leave although it’s for your own good. I know I can’t be that selfish but with you leaving, things will change even more. I am having flunctuating emotions lately. Don’t dare or challenge me. Neither even try to get my anger. I didn’t feel like blogging but I promised MAX that I’d do his tag. I care for him enough to keep my promise. So, I just took the opportunity to write something short to keep my readers anticipating.

I am still waiting for the Pastas picture to blog about it…

Name: Alvin
Sisters: 1
Brothers: 1
Shoe size: I don’t know
Height : 5ft 10 plus plus
Where do you live: Cheras Indah. Shifting to Taman Baki in just 2 months
Favourite drinks: Sprite? Starbucks?
Favourite breakfast: Nothing specific
Have you ever been on a plane?: Of course lah! Aussie fanatic!
Swam in the ocean : I suppose?
Fallen asleep at school : As always. since Secondary School.
Broken someone’s heart: YES =(
Fell off your chair : Yeah!
Sat by the phone all night waiting for someone to call: Yes. It was a hell torture for me. Worried to death

Saved e-mails: Of course?
What is your room like : Simple and messy
What’s right beside you: Camera. Have to help dad load pictures in Prague
What is the last thing you ate: Rice?
Ever had chicken pox: Yea
Sore throat: Often
Stitches: None
Broken nose: No No and No

Do you
believe in love at first sight: Unsure
Like picnics: Just okay. Don’t fancy the hot sun
Who was the last person you danced with: Got no idea. Was some time ago I think
Last made you smile: _ _ _
You last yelled at: Brother..

Today did you:
Talk to someone you like: Not really
Kissed anyone: Nopes
Get sick: Nah…
Talk to an ex: . . . .
Miss someone: Veryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
Eat: Abuthen?

Best feeling in the world: When things were all so fine.
Do you sleep with stuffed animals: nope
What’s under your bed: my brother’s bed
Who do you really hate: Her!
What time is it now?: 1028pm

Random:
Is there a person who is on your mind now : Yes. Very
Do you have any siblings: YES YES!~
Do you want children: Of course I do.
Do you smile often: Fake smiles? Real smiles?
Do you like your hand-writing: Just okay. Better than many =)
Are your toe nails painted: nope
Whose bed other than yours would you rather sleep in: Hotel beds? Parents
What colour shirt are you wearing now: blue
What were you doing at 7:00 p.m. yesterday: Was smsing BL to arrange for Justin’s outing.
When did you cry last : Just now?
Are you a friendly person: Ask the people around me?
Do you have any pets: NO!
Where is the person you have feelings for right now?: Church? Home? Not sure..
Did the last person you held hands with mean anything to you now?: Nahhh..
Do you sleep with the TV on?: Nope.. what for?
What are you doing right now?: doing this tag?
Have you ever crawled through a window?: If you have the brain enough, you won’t crawl the windows stupid!
Can you handle the truth?: Am unsure
Are you too forgiving?: Maybe?
Are you closer to your mother or father?: Both?
Who was the last person you cried in front of?: I, ME, MYSELF!
How many people can you say you’ve really loved?: Countless…
Do you eat healthy?: I doubt it!
Do you still have pictures of you & your ex?: Mmmm
Have you ever cried because of something someone said to you?: I dont think so
If you’re having a bad day, who are you most likely to go to?: Him and Her?
Are you loud or quiet most of the time?: LOUD?
Are you confident?: I have hell low self esteem!

5 things I was doing 10 years ago:
(a) Primary School
(b) play, play and play
(c) eat
(d) sleep
(e) play more

5 things on my to-do list today:
(a) pack room/ house
(b) sleeeeeppp
(c) dreammm
(d) watch forensic heroes
(e) dreammmm and cryyy! =(

5 snacks I enjoy:
(a)
(b)
(c)
(d)
(e)

5 things I would do if I were a billionaire:
(a) spend spend spend
(b) keep keep keep
(c)
(d)
(e)
I shall not dream till I get my billions…

5 of my bad habits:
(a) wake up to early
(b) wate electric
(c) keep calling ‘KAKAK’
(d) fails to prioritise
(e) I wonderrrrrrrrr…

I am not gonna bother of thinking ot a title as this is gonna b another random post again. Just after 3 days in my Semester 2; i noticed and realised a lot of stuffs that I am and will face. Let me just roughly introduce my modules and see: Communication Skills, Introduction to Business, IT Application, Quatative Methods Study. Let’s just take a look at a list that I’ve come out with:

1. Overlapping of syllabus
I have realised the topics on my new modules are very much similar to my Semester 1. I don’t know why but it seems that the modules overlaps each other. For instance, Communication Skills overlaps with Personal Development and Study Methods; Introduction to Business overlaps with Organisational and Social Environments; and Quantative Methods overlaps with Mathematics. I am not saying the whole module and topics are in common but there are mostly the same. Maybe this semester might be more in-depth study. I am not sure. IT Application basically is about Microsoft Words, Excel, Access and Powerpoint. That is basically my syllabus for this semester

2. Suffering over the new timetable
I hate my new timetable. And no, if you think Alvin hates all his timetable, I don’t. My first semester was quite okay for me. My new timetable starts all classes from 8am to 5pm or 6pm from Mondays to Fridays except Thursdays. Thursdays are my official off day. However, can you imagine the amount of time spend in the college doing unuseful stuffs. Bear in mind, I got 2-3 hours break in between classes every single day. It’s such a waste of time and money. I can actually finish classes 3 hours earlier if they take off the break. And probably I’d been having sufficient and adequate rests.

3. The permanent lecturers
I mean I am not saying anything much on this. But I gotta add that I got a new Quantatative Methods lecturer. She wasn’t suppose to be my lecturer. Ms Jessica was. She came in and she is so inexperienced. She can’t even control the class. She controls the class like a primary school. Her soft petite voice with poor command of English just makes you feel so annoyed. Her threats of bringing us to see who-and-who doesnt work at all. Her glarings are all just so useless. She does her work at her own pace; not at ours. I don’t know what she is teaching at all. I am seeing ber for both tutorials and lectures, if you are wondering. 3 times a week of her face is just sickening.

4. Facing the Admins!
You know what I mean, problems are already arising at it’s first semester. Classes and Names not right. Last mnute notices. The unclear notices and so on sometimes just bothers you. They can’t take the initiative to print the whole list out and for students to change it. They have to hear long stories and they change from the computer itself. You don’t even know how messy and time consuming it was. Their reluctant faces was terrible. And there, they got so efficient by calling everyone of us personally through phone to pay our fees. Isn’t that ridiculous? Time isn’t even up. You aren’t even settled with your own admin problem and you come ask for fees from us?

All in all, I shall summarise that college is great without APIIT’s admin. 2nd Semester will not be easy for me as I can’t get the opportunity to crap already. And thats so sad. I am deprived of sleep lately. I am getting so lazy because Semester 1 just finished. And I didn’t study for Semester 1 either. So I’ve not studied for some time.

I am and was selected for a debate sessiong this Monday. I am clueless how to debate on the topic we chose ourselves. It is part of Communication Skills. Let’s see if you can help!
‘Every couple should have children’. I am on the pro. In short, I am supporting that everyone should have children. Tell me about it?

I know the topic is weird but well, not like there are any better choices. Ms Shamini whom herself is weird gave us weird topics, such as Sex Education, Plastic Surgery, Vegetarian and all. So, not much choice. The other team choice Sex Education.

I’ve come to a point where I am seeing things differently. Different in the sense that I don’t see things as naive as I used to. I don’t get easily cheated anymore; neither do I go around believing what others say without even checking. Coming to think about all these; I was foolish. Or perhaps the word I should use is: immature; childish; kiddy.

I am officially 18. Being 18 means a lot to me. I used to dream of growing up. Growing tall. Growing big. And I used to ask if I can emulate this and that. That was when I was young. But I no longer am. No longer I will be that young again. In another words, I am in a stage where I can’t be that naive or stupid or foolish anymore. Not that I can’t but it wont be that easy for me to be naive, in a way.

Being 18 means maturity. Since many have been questioning and commenting over the post that I wrote I am aging. I am not gonna bring the word up. Instead, maturity is what I am talking about here. Maturity to me is a symbol of growth. It symbolises that I have the ability to make decisions for myself, the ability to stand up on my own, the courage to take up challenges, the boldness to experience the outside world and so on.

Being matured here doesnt mean being old. Neither does it mean being young. Maturity in a person can come at any age for any sex. It is believed that many scientist has proven some graphs and all on maturity, but it still varies in different people. A physically petite and small girl can tell you things you can’t imagine of. Sometimes, even words adults don’t say.

In this world now, everything changes. Things are getting so different. It does affect the maturity of some people. I am saying this because I think I am considered matured since I entered 2007. I don’t know whether it is a bit young or old to really get matured. But I do think that being around people with good influences does affect growth.

I grew up in an environment where I am always around church members who cares and who conducts and brings themselves well. From there, I’ve learnt so much about life. Someone once told me, you can easily adapt anywhere you go because of the wide communication you have and the endless people you meet with different personality. I never understood that phrase till now when I really come to think about it. It is so true. Now, wherever I go, I can easily adapt.

Like it or now, we don’t have the power to decide when we want to get matured. If we do, this world will be all wild and cranky. In fact, I thank God the power doesnt lies in our hands.

I do get annoyed with real big adults who behaves like kids at times; does things like kids. Spitting. Cursing. Swearing. I forgive you if you are a kid but you’re an adult. But when I come to think about it. They probably just aren’t matured enough

Enough of yapping =D I don’t know what rubbish I am writing already. This post is messy and confusing. Tell me about it! =D

Feeling the hit that I am aging gets me thinking; maturity. Have been so busy being booked by everyone and anyone. I truly appreciate it. I have postponed 2 bookings so far. Am truly sorry. My time is real pack. More pack than you expect it to be. I thank all those who have sms-ed me, wished me, greeted me and so on. I have received close to 40 messages about birthday through SMS, countless on MSN and everyone of you has made my day a real special one.

I jst watched another 2 movies just now. Now I am dizzy.

Things you might want to stay tune here:
ME BEING SMASHED AND CRASHED WITH BEARD PAPA CREAM PUFFS VIDEO DURING ONE OF THE CELEBRATION! @ Carls Jr, Pavilion Maturity; my next post!

I don’t deny my number of visitors to this blog has been drastically declining. It is either due to my blogging style that has changed to my daily life or maybe it is due to exams. I hope it isn’t due to the exams. As you can see, I am here really carefree as if I am not sitting for an examination tomorrow. In fact, tomorrow is my toughest paper. I do hate the subject to be honest. Do or die. I have to sit for it and I know nothing about it. It is definitly something I don’t enjoy studying compared to othe subjects like Personal Development and so on.

Perhaps I just enjoy crapping out common sense answers for common sense subjects such as Personal Development or English. It is not something like; ‘You know, you do; you don’t, you skip’ situation. Perhaps I enjoy some of those moment. Organisation is so much of facts facts and facts. I’d compare this subject to history due to it’s heavy amount of theorys and laws in it. You can trust my words I am not ready. Assignments can only help me 30&. Nothing more; nothing less.

I know it is my fault that I sleep endlessly and kept watched movie serials. But it is just some entertainment. I did write notes. I know compared to many of my coursemates would not even have bothered. But at least I have notes but I know it wont bring me anywhere far. It is way more than just notes to get an A. I know my coursemates who are probably reading this would be studying like mad. Or perhaps they are gonna read this post after my OSE paper tomorrow.

Apparently, I’ve been drinking a lot of water too these few days. I wonder why. And I have been skipping meals whenever I am home. Yes. You are right. It is me skipping my meals. But well, sleeping has a more priority compared to eating. I know you do agree! I don’t know if it is because of the computer, but my eyes are really painful. I have rested my eyes for like hours. Perhaps my eyes are the ones that makes me tired. Not my body.

I wished that my new timetable will remain the same as it is. And maybe more breaks. However, I am seeing new lecturers name that has bad track record with my coursemates from other intakes. So, I don’t know if it is the same for my course. But it is not for me to decide. It is for the college to decide. I’d just go with the flow.

I do feel like I am ageing. You guys must be laughing. In a few days’ time, I’d be 18 and I am legally legal. Seeing kids around me makes me think that I am old. Really old, in fact. But what choice do I have anyways? It is not a choice. 18 years of blessings is quite something I should give thanks for. =)