I believe all eyes are on our country. All eyes and even ears, are on our country. On it’s leadership, it’s citizens, it’s people. I sometimes question myself on ‘Why? Why is this happening?’. I sometimes even ask, ‘Why the Lord places leaders and authorities for me and yet when I look up to them, I feel …’. Undeniably, it has been a bit distracting for me. Opening the newspapers, you see all sorts of injustice, you see murders, you see innocence being jailed. Listening to the radios, you hear leaders fighting and criticizing. Switching on the television, the same things. When you go online, worst still. Why?

As I was preparing for ROCK Sunday’s Special Item, God of this City by Chris Tomlin (We’re doing a dance and live dance), I realized that in all circumstances, He is still in control. He is still the Lord of Kuala Lumpur. Despite all these terrible issues and debates, our eyes should still focus and remain on Him and Him alone and no one elses. He placed me here for a reason. I believe. He put me here in the city of Kuala Lumpur for a purpose and the purpose is still to bless the people around me. I am praying for the country. I don’t care what is going to happen this week. But I know that may His name be glorified in this city. We may seem the most corrupted place on earth now, but who cares if He is here?

Ultimately, we are humans. We are stubborn. We always like to take things the difficult way. And maybe through such difficulties, He’d be glorified? Through such times, people will turn to Him? Who knows? I pray He’d heal this land. I pray for a revival to start here. I pray for a miracle to rain upon this land.

I may be having a sore throat. Obviously, very distracted during worship today. To be honest, it was very distracting. But to see glimpse of people around me worshipping this morning was very encouraging. It was a rare sight to see people really worshipping from the seat I sit in church but this morning was just different, maybe people are really starting to realise His’ importance, His’ greatness and His’ authority. And I am glad to see that. I am happy to be in this change.

Dear Heavenly Father,
I pray for my nation. I pray for the people around me. I pray for my country’s leadership. I pray that Your will be done in this place. Despite all the rumours, dirty politics, extremists, I pray that You will be in control. I know you love your people. Heal this land, Oh Lord.

Tell me I am unhappy. I really am. Utterly disappointed over my own results. I may have even put too much hope on myself which I highly doubt so. I just did way beyond my own expectations. Letting your ownself down is somewhat a painful thing. It’s like you caused your own death. Justifiably, I told myself it was APIIT’s great fault that causes me this misery but thinking back, I too was at a wrong?

In short, I got..

• Malaysian Studies -A+
• Personal Dev and Study Methods- B+
• English Language- A+
• Mathematics- F+

It is obviously now you know what caused me to be this unhappy. I first heard when they told me Mathematics does not have final exams. I was more than excited. But now, I failed that module. I am also unhappy over my B+ for my PDSM. I expected an A+. And I did think that I would get that A+ easily.

But you can’t help it but to be furious if you are in my position. I know you may say that I am making excuses but I did thought I would fail Maths and true enough I did.

I am not blaming it that I went to camp. I submitted EC for Maths Test 1 since my old lecturer did not kept his promises in letting me sit for Test 1 after I came back from camp. He left the college and so, my new lecturer told me to submit an EC. Maths Test 1 comprises only 35marks and it is supposedly from Chapter 1-Chapter6. I sat and paid for the EC, sat for a Re-Sit paper with other failing students from other intakes. The Re-Sit paper covered Chapter 1-12 and accumulates a total of 100 marks. See what I am mad about here? I went to see the lecturer after that and yet he told me he can’t do much. I am sure the 100marks pulled me down because I scored 26/30 for both my assignments. So I just needed 20 marks to pass.

When everyone elses marks are divided into 100, mine was over 165. So now? Get me? Eventhough I failed by just 3-5 marks, the fact is I failed. It somehow hits me really hard.

And what is with other lecturers marking my papers apart from my lecturers or tutors. What justice does this brings to me? My COS (ex-PDSM tutor) lecturer was caught by suprised too when she found out that it wasn’t mark by my PDSM Lecturer. Where is this bringing me too? Reasonably, my ITB teacher has been teaching us to write in point form in exams. Other lecturers on Essay form. So who is right? Who is wrong? Am I suppose to know who is marking my paper next and answer to their style? It is so not fixed here.

I know I am student. Students are never right and teachers are always right. Many teachers and lecturers fail to recognise that we are students, humans too. And yet the expect the highest of the highest from us. And when we fail to do their expectations, they complain, they scold and they even punish. Can’t they sometime give us the freedom to voice out our opinions and thoughs which sometimes might bring some benefit to both parties? Why are we often restricted to what we say and what we do in class? And worst still, to polish your shoes, we need to do all kinds of things that you like.

Why always stand so firm and insisting you are right and we are wrong when we are just giving out ideas? I supposed you have to be fair to us. Listen to us. And maybe sometimes you might not think of what we can bring up to you. Many students I’ve heard give up straight away when they hear that they have to approach their teachers or lecturers. The mindset in us is that, ‘They win, we lose. So whatever’. Give us a chance. I understand we may be offensive and rude at times, call us immature. The thing is not about the ‘dfb*d*fbk*dbf’ word that we use, but it is about the context of what we are trying to say. I know sometimes we fail to express ourselves. This is when your patience comes in?

Just for the sake of your egos, we may sometimes even have to suffer for the wrong decisions that you have made. I know you must have a greater ego than we do. Greater standings but sometimes you just fails to understand the point. That is why sometimes I find younger teachers or lecturers are easier to relate too. No offense to the teachers or lecturers but sometimes you fail to see what we think about you, what we think about the matter.

Being younger than you may also brings us benefits. We have less things to worry about unlike you, so somethings that we may have thought may never be what you think. Why God say, ‘Have faith like little children?’. Because little children just trust without asking. They are so innocent. Similarly, trust us sometimes. Give us chance to speak. Give us time to talk. Communication in class is not just 1 way. It is 2 ways. We speak, you listen, You speak, we listen. That would definitely make a class a more enjoyable place isn’t it?

You are teachers and lecturers, we respect you. But we respect you for what you have done for us and how much you have put in for us. Not for your endless fruitless nagging and torturing. I’ve seen good, stern and firm teachers producing excellent students. Sometimes, pushing us harder may cause us to rebel towards you even more. I would personally say, you make us who we are. You make us respect, You also make us rebel. Think twice before lecturing us sometimes? We love you and we do think about you when we reach home with the subject.

While typing this, I am still ill. I wonder why it takes more than 2 days. The headache is so strong. I didn’t really sleep. My real slept was approximately 4am yesterday. Rolling and rolling on the bed since like 10pm? It is starting to get annoying. Trying all kinds of methods. From salt water to honey and to fruits and to water and to rest and to Malaysian panadols, Australian panadols to Strepsils and Dequadins. It is so pain that I can’t do my assignment properly yesterday. Was so blur altough I wanted to. I know, thanks to FTC and CTL I got this sickness. They are both still sick too now. Flu, flam, cough etc etc. It is not fun not being able to sleep and when you are in pain. Trust me.

OMG. It’s terrible to know that I am sick. At this time where I think lectures and tutorials are just starting to get into me. Although I’ve always been hoping to be sick during the weekdays but this point when assignment are due to release, mid tests are coming. I got myself sick. Had a terrible flu. Having terrible headache. Having painful sore throat. Even in college before I came back. And I felt I have fever when I came back. Not forgetting, I lost my voice. While I am typing this, mucus overflowing, so on and so forth. Gross. I know. But really, wrong time to be sick.

It’s been some time since I last got ill. The last time was probably months ago. Every time I get sick, my mom wouldbe telling me that it was my fault for eating the heaty stuffs and so on. But I was just thinking and I thought this time I probably got it from my classmates as they have also been falling ill. But knowing me, I kept justifying to her that it wasn’t my fault. But after some time, I gave up.

Taking in the pain when one is sick is the most torturing. Although I won’t say that missing lectures and tutorials will be fun cause I know the workload that I will get the next day when I am back. And telling myself to make cheese cakes for my coursemates on Sunday night for Monday. It seems that I forgotten. And when I planned to make it tonight for tomorrow’s class. I failed again miserably for everyone is telling me to get well soon first, which includes my mum. Great procrastinator, I am huh?

On the other hand, it was hilarious how my dad got in to the new house yesterday. Yesterday was the final day of the handing over of the keys. Yet, the owned didn’t hand in the keys. So the impatient dad broke all the chains and all and went in. I am preparing myself mentally for the shift. Physically too. I know I ought to see arguments and all. But looking at the brighter side, I should be happy for a new house. A bigger one. The one I insisted I wanted although it was beyond dad’s budget. I am grateful. But it’s tedious during the shifting period. What more throwing of your things as you won’t want to bring everything over. I really hope I can keep certain things that I have with me. Let’s see how things go.

We often hear many says that the only child gets the attention. We often hear many things about the only child and only child. We seldom get to hear about the oldest child in the family. There are pros and cons being the eldest amongst your siblings. But sometimes I don’t know why I choose to dwell on the cons more than the pros.

Being the eldest, gets mostly all the attention at the beginning before the second one is given birth to. The love, the care and the spotlight; is all on you. However, you don’t get as much of those when your siblings are borned. I also think that being the eldest is like a try-and-error thingy. Where your parents try certain rules and boundaries on you which may or may not be good sometimes. For example, restriction of freedom? You don’t see that happens when your younger siblings comes along after that. They get more freedom after seeing that the older ones still come back alive and well.

Being the eldest obviously, you get all the scolding (or mocking?), at times. You have gotta take responsible of the younger ones. You have to take the blame sometimes of the younger ones. I do get miserably annoyed at times. To me, I’ve not done something wrong! Why me?

I dislike it when someone tells me, ‘Give in! He is your brother’ or ‘Must give things to him or her because they are younger’. I mean somethings I really deserve is given away just like that at times just because of the age gap? I know I sound selfish but in a way, it is not doing any justice to me. And yet, I am reminding myself that life is never fair and it never will be.

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And today, I finished class at 5pm. Unfortunately, due to the fasting season, the LRT is so jam pack and really got me annoyed. The worst nightmare is the hustle and bustle inside the LRT itself. Can you imagine creating scenes in a sandwich-pack-LRT? I mean, it is not like it is empty. Everyone is back-to-back and there you are pushing your friends. Screaming and shouting around like monkeys. Don’t you people feel ashame of yourselves at times? I was almost squeeze to death and there you are enjoying some lil-space-fun in the LRT? Can you put some sense into it? You are not the only one rushing home! I am too. Everyone in the LRT is trying to get to their destination as fast as possible. So, please be considerate. Bear in mind our transport system is not even on a ‘Very Presentable’ mode.

Often at times, we take things so easily. We take things for granted. We do things without even giving a thought on the consequences that will take place. We often think about what is fun, what is cool at that point of time. But I’ve learnt that those fun and cool things are just temporal. It doesn’t last forever. Neither does it do good after some time. Just take for example, I had dirrohea the last whole night till this morning. I don’t know what is the cause of it. Maybe the food I had last night. I am not sure. But there is consequences to everything that we do and everything that we say.

You may not see the consequences now. You might not see the consequences happening on you. But everything we do and say, there are consequences. As I matured older, I’ve learnt a lot from life. The true meaning of life and everything in it. It doesn’t come in just a day. It comes together with the experiences I’ve had. I’ve failed many times yet I’ve picked myself up. It is undeniably true that God won’t give me something beyond what I can bear.

I’ve come to realise that in all my actions, I must think of it’s consequences. Sometimes the consequences might not be the way I’ve thought it would be, but at least I’ve given a thought on it. A least I would minimise the pain, the hurt, the guilt in me and others. Everyone hopes that things will go well. Things will be perfectly fine. But honestly, it won’t be.

Those without even giving a thought on what will happen in the future might risk hurting others and maybe, themselves. Friends are friends. Feelings are feelings. When you have hurt and betrayed the feelings of your friends, it isn’t wrong for the other party to get angry. It was your fault. The consequences sometimes may be friendship. Like it or not, many people covered ‘friends’ with ‘feelings’. It is not as easy to put friends beyond your feelings at times.

Betrayal is something everyone hates. Ignorant too. But what is most important is that you are true to yourself and you think of every consequences that will happen. It could be a short impact or that impact could last forever. I truly don’t want to see splits. I don’t want to see guilt. I don’t want to see a bond ends jst because of an immature incident. I don’t want to see fights. Indeed, I don’t know how much is the price to pay for that incident but I am praying that it won’t be great.

As cliche as it may sound: No one is perfect. We got to accept each other as they are. Accepting their failures and weaknesses. Apparently, it was tough. But we got to learn to adapt and accept. Thats what great friends are for. I wore a spectacle chosing the friends I mixed with for my good. I’ve never regreting meeting such friends. I still trust and believe each individual of us are unique and different. It has been about 3 days, I may seem that I don’t care but inside me, I hope everything will go well tomorrow. I am anticipating for another exciting journey with you people this coming week. I don’t want to run away from the issue. I don’t want to hide.

We have to face it, like it or not. We can’t act as though we’ve never knew each other (although I’ve always had that thought to some people). But this is life, we can’t run away neither can we hide for a long time. Why not let’s face it? It may be pain for now but it may do a good future. For you. For us. =)

It felt great worshipping the Lord together as a church this morning. Given the honour to take the stage to lead the people, I was glad everything went well. It feels so great when you can just put aside everything and just worship Him and Him alone. Singing your hearts out. Meaning the words. Giving and surrendering everything and every part to Him gives a sense of great relieve. Being in the presence of the Lord, just gives you a great fulfillment. It is not about the lights, it is not about the people around, it is not about the stage but it is just about you and the Lord. All in all, every worship session is refreshing. There’s something new installed for me each session. And I look forward to more of these precious times.

Rehearsal yesterday was short. We had a short devotion and a short worship ourselves before the rehearsal to prepare our hearts as we serve Him as a team. We took an approximately 1 hour and we managed to finish and go for our lunch. =)

Without me realising, time flies. The ‘gush’ of time passes so fast. It seemed as if I celebrated my 18th birthday yesterday. it seemed as if Christmas was last week. Time flies. Every Monday comes and Friday will come right after. I look forward to Fridays on Mondays and Weekends on Fridays. And every Sunday, I tell myself, ‘There goes another weekend..’.

And without me realising too, it’s August and now we’re celebrating Independence Day. With the not-so-stable political state in our country, let’s just put those things aside. It used to be, ‘Independence Day?’, ‘Public Holiday lor’. Whats the big deal kinda thing? When I was really young, thats the only thing that comes to mind. Nothing else. Apart from the Public Holidays, I don’t see the true value in it. Because I don’t even know how to celebrate it. If I get angpaus, during Chinese New Year. If I get presents, during Christmas. That was celebration. So Independence Day, I get money or something?

But I’ve learnt to be proud of the city I live in. The country I live in. Although I may not enjoy the current administration and the state of the country, I am proud to be a Malaysian. Having a holiday is no longer the key thing but it’s now the secondary thing. The primary thing here is that our country is now in its 51st year.

Much has been done, much has been said about the current state of the country. At least I am thankful I am in a country where there is no disasters or wars. At least we are still living in peace. Indeed, Malaysia is a unique country you can’t find elsewhere. The multi-cultures in this nation never fails to amazed me. You can’t find it elsewhere.

In a nutshell, I won’t ask you to fly the flag. Because I did not either. But what you can do is to be proud of who you are and be proud of where you were once born.

Come back to the country’s instability and all. I see the need for Jesus to be the God of this City. Only He can brings change. Only He can brings healing. Only He can be the hope to the hopeless. No one else can do such an amazing thing. I look forward to the day where everyone from different states and race to come as one turning their eyes upon Jesus. It will be such a magnificent scene when I am able to see it. I am sure He is and will be the God of this City and He will bring change! I stand in no position to question Where, When and How but I can do my part to pray for this change which will impact many people and their future generations =)