I thought pushing things would make things better. Perhaps making things better. Well, truly. Backfired now. And it’s effing painful. At this point of time, my mind runs through a gush of emotions – i dont event know how to write about these emotions.

I know it hurts. But I am learning not to care anymore. I just be that person you want me to be. Maybe I should give it a try since you said a better bonding will work out. I know, as usual – time will do the magic. It has always been a great bonding till things starts to change. But you’d never realise. You’d always think you’ve not. If you’ve not, I wouldnt be this wounded.

I have always prayer you’d realise. I don’t want to threaten you or anything. But I am waiting for the day you realise who has really showed you care and love. Who has really sacrificed 10 times more than anyone else would – financially, emotionally. Emotionally I am running dry. I tried putting that smile 2 days ago. I couldn’t.

I knew it was my bad sometimes. To a certain extent, when you get too close, you tend to merajuk a lot. And sometimes overdoing this sulking can just make the other party upset as well. I didn’t mean to merajuk, but I know I do sometimes. Over the smallest little thing – like a msg.

Urgh. When wil ever things be how it used to be? I cant totally blame you. People around you did pose as an influence. I know. I find that a lil selfish. I dont want to come into any conclusions. The only thing I am saying here is that what is happening is probably something I’ve never thought it would happen. Not at all. Never thought this day would come either when things starts to divide and fall.

I don’t know lah. I am frustratd. I am annoyed. I’m trying to accept the fact and stop my stubborness. But urrggghhh. Trying.

I have so many random thoughts in my mind. Nothing emo or nothing happy about either.

I know I am trying to keep my blog active again and to squeeze some brain juice out at this point of time- early in the morning.

Things has been pretty cool. I managed to watch Role Models yesterday and it made me laughed like mad. Well, it certainly did help to patch up my day a little after a boring day at home. Perhaps, I think God was good that the person finished work early to go hang out with me. Although I was sleeping when the person called but I wasn’t that late either.

I enjoyed talking to another person yesterday. The another person made my day. It was a blessing that the fact I did get to talk to her just the whole day. And just so she said she wasnt going to come online. But opps, my turn to ffk, as I am not going to class today. >

I hate the situation I am in now. I hate it. Why me?

Everything is wrong. Everything is changing. Alone. So alone.

I will feel the pinch more tomoro when I am ALL ALONE.

What an aunty to leave me and the house alone and bring everyone out for breakfast and lunch.

And yeah, maid is on leave. What more?

I am feeling sick. Shall prolly just fast tomoro.

I don’t know. I feel like getting upset at someone now.

But I am worried it’d backfire if I don’t do it correctly.

=(

I have failed. I know He wins and I lose.

Many at times, I tend to ‘think’ I am perfect; or at least ‘act’ that I am perfect or even ‘show’ that I am Mr-Know-It-All but perhaps, the more I do so and behave that way, God is teaching me a lesson. Lesson on the weaknesses in me. And it ain’t easy.I do know I have that ego at times but Him revealing the weaknesses in me ONE by ONE could probable strike you so hard.

Worst still, at times, He reveals my weaknesses through other parties. Which makes things worst. I mean, makes me feel worst. I often question myself, ‘How could that possibly be?’. And I will come to a conclusion at the end of the thought, No One Is Perfect.

To a certain extent, I feel like I am justifying it instead of trying to see how I can put these weaknesses into strengths or how I can improve on those weaknesses. It is tough, I tell you. Putting me into heavy thoughts nowadays. Why, Why me? Painful I assure you, but I am trying to learn what surrendering my strengths and weaknesses to God is all about.

Being egoistic (I am emphasising it. Argh), it is so so tough to do such a thing. Trying to just accept that fact that I am not good enough or not on par, may be so difficult. Instead, I am trying to find my own strengths in times like these. I am sure everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses, it’s just maybe that mine is more physical? Thats why it affects more? I don’t know.

Surrender. Surrender. Alvin, surrender!

I am also learn what responsibility is all about. Seeing some ignorant leaders, some useless and does-not make sense leaders in and around me, I have learnt. I’ve been seeing people who often finds the easy way out nowadays just because they are not happy, they don’t wanna care anymore, they are fed up. Have they ever thought running away might not be a perfect solution after all?

If you can’t take stress in here, do you think you can take stress out there? Sometimes, running away in just a temporal way out. I have been telling myself it isnt really the right thing to do. What more is that I go through these tough times knowing that He is God and that I will be stronger at the end of the day. Who doesn’t have problems? Who doesn’t have issues? But it is how we deal we it.

Don’t talk about migration. I am talking about the people around me. Classmates, Peers etc. I am learning too. I ain’t perfect but these are some of the random disappointments and thoughts around me.

I am learning to also not be over sensitive. But not giving in all the time. I am referring to someone actually. But well, I know with this person, i tend to merajuk or get upset but yeah, sometimes is the person’s fault but sometimes it is also that person’s fault for not doing his own responsibility. But I don’t know sometimes what to do. I suck at all these stuffs.

And I am learning what decision is all about. Decision that will impact and influence me. Gosh. Talking about this, I am in a dilemma. It is nothing for people to know but I myself know that if my ‘Do it’- I may not get the blessing; if my ‘Don’t do it’- I may regret. But I am praying some miracles to happen but I don’t think it will.

I know I am being more random, but I don’t and can’t afford to see my blog dying =/. I don’t have the mood for blogging daily, but if you do read often, tag on my board pleassseee? So that I know you were here and you read it. Or else it’s not worth updating. Haha. I am finding excuse to be lazy.

In 1 and the half months time, I will be going on my holidays.
In 1 week time, it’ll be my Study Week
In 2 weeks time, it’ll be my Finals
In 3 weeks time, I am free from Foundation
In 3 weeks time, also I’ll be on holiday
In about 7 weeks time, I’ll be flying.. Woooohoooooooooo!~~

I know. Tell me you all hate hearing this at this point of time. A day after Chinese New Year. But I had this urge to write something down before I rush back to college for my second class.

Life can be so fragile at times. You may be here today. Gone tomorrow. In a glimpse. No one knows what is to happen next. It is so uncertain that things can and will go wrong in life. I may be here today but that does not mean I will be here tomorrow.

Seeing and hearing the deaths of the people around me, at various age- 22, 25, 40plus and all just probably helps me realise that God can take you home anytime anyday. I used to think, ‘I am still young, still got time, still got chance’. But just so you know it, people at young age just passed away just like that we causes unknown.

I may look healthy to you; but who knows whats next? Before I think through about the deaths of the people around me and blogged. I actually had a fear. A fear that something will happen to me later. The foolish me took my laptop out from my bag, my external hard disc and all the valuable sort and kept it in the cupboard. I am afraid that something would really happen later.

But now, it strikes me. Why am I so afraid when I know God is on my side and He has his plans for me. If He takes me home, I know that I have lived a good life. Humanly speaking, everyone agrees with, ‘Us coming to the world crying, leaving the world smiling when people around us is crying’. It talks about the impact the deceased has on the people around.

I don’t know. As I am writing this, I contemplate about so many things. What am I gonna feel if the same thing happens to the people around me. I mean those really close. I had the best shock of my life when someone asked me if my close friend passed away just few months back. Thankfully, it was the wrong person.

Well, life on earth is short. It is just our temporary home. I am trying to get that to sink into me. But I can see it isn’t really working. You won’t believe and wanna know how many nightmares I had when my maternal grandmother passed away few years back. I cried in my sleep. I screamed in my sleep. And I went crazy at that young age although I wasn’t really really really close to her. Just see her once a week probably, or even less.

The week was horrifying. Was crazy. After a week or so, it went off. With all the miserable chanting (Bhuddist funeral), I had more terrifying moments. It just scares me at that point of time. For almost a year or so, I never wanna see what is in the coffin although I attend funerals (rarely).

I don’t know what I am crapping. But I am filled with misery as I wrote this. I know I hate deaths but what can I do? Nothing. Bringing them to know Jesus maybe. But life will always be life. Maybe I should not hold things to tight. The tighter I hold, the worst it gets. Maybe I should let go and let God take the wheel of my life.

I don’t know… Gaaaaaaaahhhhh!~

*God, protect me from all evil thoughts and protect me in wherever I go. May your peace comforts me and your joy feels me for You’re a sovereign God. I love You and adore You. May you protect the people I love and care for too. Help me to surrender myself and let You take control for You see the big picture and I don’t. Help me to understand this life.

Wow, I was just wondering what to type. The moment I opened blogger. The song ‘God of this City’ bu Chris Tomlin just played. Maybe after all, God is reminding me something since my playlist has loads of secular songs as well. But just that the time I wanna blog, the song popped up.

Had an aimless day as usual. Here and there also revolves The Bro. But well, contemplating over a few personal things now. Something that I am still thinking if I should act on it. Or maybe I should take in more time. But time isn’t really on my side. March is it- the end. Should I pursue or let go? I can’t make up my mind. Some thinks it is so easy to decide on this but it isn’t. Many factors to look at. I know I am talking french (no one of you will understand except tht few) But sighs…

On another hand, I am afraid of losing people close to me. I mean for real. It seems such a terrible nightmare when I think about it all the time. I know am not God but I am just afraid. I have loads of crazy nightmare. Enough to probably kill me. There was this thought that something happened to one of my family member (which I loved the most) got kidnapped or ran over. And I was telling myself, No.. And it really haunts me. Hate such thoughts. Praying over it every night.

I will get back to blogging as soon as I am free. =)

Have a BLESSED CHINESE NEW YEAR!

I am out of blogging juice. Officially.
I don’t know what to write and I don’t know what to say.
Maybe I am ‘out-growing’ blogging. I am not that old after old. But I start to think I am.
Many things have been happening in and around me.
Some were fantastic; Some were ordinary and some just sucked big time.

But my life has been like a roller coaster. Once it can be sooo good, and just another second, it can be sooo bad. It’s both extremes. But throughout last year and this year, I noticed I’ve changed quite some bit in terms of my own thoughts. I don’t know how good this is anyways.

I just got back from Singapore exactly a week ago and I think I love Singapore for some things and some I just don’t. But this is life isn’t it? God doesn’t give everything to just one person or one place. He is a fair God and I am amazed by that. Despite whatever weaknesses that it within me, I have always tried to make myself believe I have my own strengths and weaknesses that others don’t. Which is why this makes lives. It’s unique in it’s own special way.

Singapore trip was full of fun and craziness. I was actually there to attend Undignified Singapore 2009 by Grace Methodist Church. This was the team that was in KL just few months back for Undignified KL 2008. They were an awesome team with great hospitality. I managed to experience a night of exuberant worship (which I don’t always get because I am serving), shopping, a visit to Night Safari and Bugis Street (Bugis Street isn’t too amazing after all. Infact, I dislike it). It’s been 4 years since I last been to Singapore and there aren’t much changes. Familiar roads, Familiar stuffs but one thing, food is a no no there. I bet you can’t imagine eating a sugar-filled Char Kuey Teow and Fried Carrot Cake. Sweet like crazy. Okay, maybe Malaysians are too ‘ham-sap’ :P. We put too much salt. But I still enjoy Malaysian food.
Some pictures that I am too lazy to upload:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?id=683957575&aid=82585
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?id=683957575&aid=82574
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?id=548776209&aid=95182

Apart from that, college has been too easy going. As usual I think I am going to slack and probably die in Degree Level 1. If I keep on going with such a pace.

Officially, new house has been busy. Dad has been enjoying asking people back. I am like, ‘Noooo.. Not again!?’. It’s too many. I think I am having another house warming this Tuesday. Counting, it’s like the 7th house warming already. Isn’t the house warm enough, I wonder? But no matter what, my own house warming will still rock 😛

Apparently, 09 will be a year of torturing for me. Hearing tough and terrible comments can kill you. But well, I gotta endure. And for your info, it is also gonna be busy as I am taking over Jessie as ROCK President 2009. So, sounds cool? Erm, I don’t know. I should just remain speechless for now till I really get to my office. I mean get things working.

Chinese New Year is coming. And it is nothing about angpaus. But of course, it matters in a way.. haha.But it is another New year to probably be happy about.. I hope I can have stuffs to talk about then just my plain boring life in my next post. Which I myself don’t even know when.. 😛