whatever

If you done everything to make me happy just because you need a favour, i feel exploited. I felt like I am being betrayed. And now when it is all over, you are gonna get far far away from me. Up to you!

I have been thinking so much lately. I am just concentrating on the less important stuffs. It has been some time since I lost myself. I just lose that true me. I am now bad at prioritizing. Why so? I just can’t tell myself. My mind is thinking of so many things. It causes me to get mad over the slightest mistake anyone makes. I lost my patience. I LOSE HOPE IN EVERYTHING. I know I am sorry, if i have ever took any of you and threw my tantrums at you guys. I am trying so hard to bottle up everything. I no longer have the guts to spill it out. It hurts deep within me. Yes, say whatever you want, I HAVE MY EGO at times. I use to have people by my side to hear me but when I lost trust. I lose my guts too. It’s so hard to just spill it out.

I think I am getting from bad to worst in terms of studies. Although my results prove otherwise. I know myself best. I know when I will break down- usually at night. Whether or not, I will do well in SPM, i wouldn’t give a damn. I know I am plain stupid to make such statements but I just can’t care, can I? It is not like I don’t care but it is more of I can’t care.

**********

I really don’t care. Trust me. If you want to give me a B, C or even a D for my forecast result for my college application, SO BE IT! Stop threatening me about giving me bad grades. I don’t care. I know I have done all your work. Because of that few rotten apples, you are giving me those grades, YOU JUST AIN’T PROFESSIONAL. Seriously, who the hell are you to give me such grades when I know I can prove you wrong when the real results are out. Yes, it’s my ego speaking again.

Seriously, I feel disturbed. Day and night. Thinking so much. Is it my fault? Or was it yours? People are disappointing my one by one. Am I putting too high expectations on people. Every night, I will ask myself- Am I too much? What did I do wrong?

It seems that everyone thinks it’s my fault. My whole damned fault. But I just don’t know. My ego is there. I am not ready to forgive. Not willing to let go of things. I am holding things too tight. I am not willing to apologise. See, it’s my ego all over again.

It might be better blaming myself for something I have no control over..

I know many are concern about me, it stirred up a lot of questions. Many people message-ed me and I thank God for that. I am still taking life a step at a time. We’ll see what happens next.. =(