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when it’s not yours, it ain’t gonna be yours

On March 16, 2009 by alvinkok With 0 Comments - Uncategorized
I realised when He (God) does not wants to give it to you, no matter how hard you try it; You won’t get it. After a long talk with someone, I realised many things. I wished some feelings weren’t lust. I think it wasn’t, at least. But who knows whats deep inside? Feelings are such subjective things that I can say I do but yet my heart does not.
I am glad that I made the right choice. A choice to wait upon the Lord and to give time to what is going to happened. I did not regret a single bit when things did not worked out yesterday. Instead, I was feeling a sense of relieve. The issue I have been thinking about: I don’t need to care anymore. Not to say I dont care but, I can try but not force things throught. If you guys understands the french I am talking, you guys are great!
Well, the time will come for me when God says the time is right. Fullstop. Nothing debatable.
I have been very lazy the past 3 months. And now, I am even lazier- finished my foundations; waiting for exams. And I ain’t opening a single lecture slide on the modules. I think I hate the subjects for the last semester. It is crazy. So much to memorise. Aite. If I ever complain about not enough time to study, it is mere bullshit! Haha.
I am trying. Actually I am. How ironic right? I always tell myself, I must finish this by this time. And yet, when that time comes, I actually did NOTHING. Every single time. I am such good a procrastinating all the things I have -when it comes to studies, to be exact.
On another hand, I realised being in top positions in a ministry ain’t easy. Perserverance. Endurance. Attentiveness – are some of the characters that is needed. I have been holding the President post for 3months now and I realised I have learnt a lot. Really much in fact. But one of the things it costs me is also my brains. Haha. Thinking and brainstorming of best methods and all for the youth groups isn’t easy. Thankfully, I have a group of supportive leaders behind my back.
I am seeing the seeds that we planted is going to grow. In fact, I can see – it is growing. Little by little. Although not much but God has been good. I’d think it did a tremendous improvements from the previous weeks. I think that the end results should always be left to God, and we should take the process seriously. Learning through the processess is important.
I don’t know what I am crapping about here again. =/

I am not a paedophile okay?

*****************************I can’t help but to say that it is that phase of life where I have to move on. I just finished my foundations yesterday (forget about the exams!). I realised I had this strong feeling in my heart where I know I had to leave another bunch of loud, energetic and crazy classmates.The same feelings and emotions ran through me just about 15 months ago where I left SJI after I finished my SPM.It is not as easy to just say it is our last class and forget about all the fun times we have had. All the laughters, the pain, the arguments, the rush. The past one year in APIIT has its own ups and downs. I still dislike APIIT no matter what. I know I will still be in APIIT but we’ll never be together in that same lecture and class again.The friendship develops unconsciously; the strong bonding became stronger. The big loud class – i may not have a chance to ever experience the craziness of it ever again. To say that I’ve totally close this chapter of my life, I have not. Not to even mention.. I’ve not closed the book for SJI even I’ve left for so many months.We were just talking over it over lunch yesterday when we had our last lunch together. We were sharing about how we used to hate each other, degrade each other, insult each other and how we ended up in this bonding. It was fun but I know everyone of us did hurt someone around us – intentionally or non-intentionally. No, I am not regretting. it is a life’s process we have to go through. Probably it has made each one of us better friends and made us stronger.This journey cant be made possible without a bunch of cool lecturers and nice friends. We have seen each other for almost everyday in the 365-days period, 3 semesters. Can you imagine the long lasting impression it has on me? I supposed in my life, I’ve always been filled with great friends. Friends I love, friends I care, friends I appreciate. And it ain’t easy to just bid goodbye in a day after all that has happened.Yesterday was crazy. Cat fights, screamings and shoutings. We’ve never been this crazy. I am sad to say I might no longer have the same class in the future. I might. Or at least I won’t have the whole class with me in Level 1, but the impact these people has made in my life – immeasureable.Looking back, time flies. I just thought I entered foundations a few days ago. I know I will sulk on how long classes will end but it is actually not about the classes I miss. It’s the people of the class; it’s fellowship that I miss.St John’s obviously had a longer lasting effect on me. Being a true proud Johannian, standing tall – something that made me who I now am.Eventhough APIIT does not have that same impact; the classmates had its impact. The lecturers had its impact – in its own ways (Not all lecturers, for sure).1 year sounds short, but it isn’t. At least it is enough for us to be really close to each other and knowing each other inside out. At least it is enough to make me sacrifice to do the whole of my groups last assignment (HAHA – i am not tagging gohboongee aite? =P). Education itself is not fun; but the life in education is fun because of the people.The joy and laughters, I’d never ever even wanna forget. The sarcasm – I will always remember.Despite us leaving to different paths, I know for sure that this me can never be me without you guys. I know I will not forget what we’ve all done (clean and dirty =P). I know for sure that you are in my thoughts. I am glad to at least have celebrated almost all you guys birthdays – uniquely.The pictures are now priceless.I am sure we will meet again. But whether or not it will be together or not; its a different issue.I’ve learnt well in this phase of life. Not as much as I’ve learnt in SJI but i’ve learnt well. I’ve grew from the innocent young boy to a youth who knows how to make decisions and who knows how to differentiate black and white. Thanks to the instuition and thanks to the people.It is not the work of the instituition alone. I am sure.The memories are vividly in my head; be it – SJI or UCFF0803 (Yes. I am still not mentioning APIIT till it changes my perception)Another part of life will begin soon. Very soon. Growing older, and hopefully wiser in many ways. I hope. I am willing to trade in anything for the happiness we’ve had together as a team; a class.I know this is long and messy. But I am writing whatever I can squeeze out from my brains.So, see ya peeps during exams! And haha, thank God for facebook (JUSTINE CHAN!!)!!! =)

Dun cry people, dun cry! =P

SJI 5/0


SJI 5/0

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