I am just speechless. After days of sleepless nights and efforts, ROCK ANNIVERSARY and ROCK SUNDAY 2007 finally came to an end. Everything worked well despite the hiccups here and there and I, especially felt a great relieve on my shoulders after ROCK SUNDAY’s worship.

I was really tired. I came home at 11plus on Saturday after ROCK ANNIVERSARY (considering early) and just thought I just wanted to be alone and just pray for ROCK SUNDAY and just get to bed. But my mind was already wandering, I ended up praying till I fell asleep. But I woke up early on Sunday to just say a short prayer and commit everything to Him. And indeed, He worked miracles.

We were all so tired after Anniversary and yet we managed to pull it through with God-given strength.It’s just amazing how God works in the youths. We may be young but that does not hinder us from worshipping the Lord and to serve Him. I am more than happy to say that everything went on really well for ROCK SUNDAY. We were a bit late but nevertheless, it’s alrite. =)

But I am just annoyed at several things. I am pissed to be exact.

First things first, i can tolerate things that are last minute but to a certain extent. Why is the movie not ready until the day itself? Everyone was worried whether things will go on well. This can’t be tolerated. I was just thinking, the movie is the core thing and what if it wasn’t done. Not that I don’t have faith but my faith has it’s limitations. And because of tht, everyone got so worn out even the day before. It’s just something I don’t want to see repeat again. Not to such an extent. 2-3days before it’s fine. Not hours and minutes before. And we shouldn’t take the 2-3days of grace for granted.

Next thing, I hate taking up the blame for something that I have said and done but some other people just refuse to cooperate. I specifically told someone to announce in the bulletin and church that there is no ROCK for that Sunday but it was never done. And people were coming back whacking me and all and claimed that Alvin as the Publicity Head didn’t do his part. I mean come on! I said it as early as 2 weeks ago. And for that, people who waited in Shalom Hall aimlessly blamed the poor Publicity Head. What nonsense is this that i have to bear and take? And furthermore, why publicity is to get such things when President or someone else they don’t ask? Why me?

And I hate those who come late. To be honest, this has been a big issue in ROCK lately. People are coming later and later. My worship team in ROCK should know that I will surely get mad if they are late. Fine, I give you some grace period but not to the extent of 15 minues. If you are stuck somewhere, call and explain. Why must you expect someone else to call you and ask you where you are and all. You are at fault so why someone else must waste that few cents to call you. Who do you think you are? Yes, we are improving on a better note but that doesn’t mean we are perfect yet. There is so much room for improvement.

What got me really upset was this. BL came today- just to give me some support and to just put a smile on my face. He came as a pleasant suprise. He never told me he would turn up and he didn’t message me on Sat either. I was shocked to see him right before i go up on stage. Things were cool until after church. We went out with some ROCKers. And they asked me and him to go for lunch and wait for them while they check something out. So we did. And this people can just give us a call and tell us that they are going to Pavilion without even coming to look for us at the restaurant. I mean they asked us to wait for them in McD and yet they can just go somewhere without waiting or without coming to inform us. I was really unhappy. BL was really pissed. He actually washed his hands and just walked off and told me he wanted to go home. I have not even finished my meals actually. I ran after him and he kinda got me away and told me he wants to be alone and he can’t tolerate it. And thereafter, all plans ruined. We went on seperate ways. And just gave him some air to breathe until he replied me again sometime later.

I felt guilty because he was here to make me happy and I can’t in return make him happy. And it is something i got no control over but they are my friends. Was worried about him. Really was. Well, we both needed some time. I needed time to be alone over some other stuffs as well. Things just ended up being pretty bad. I don’t know who to blame. But I blamed myself.

Maybe he was joking but yes what he told me just few days ago was so true-I can never find another brother like him. It’s hard to find. And when I was asking him whether I found one true one, he just asked me what do I think? Obvious ain’t it? He fetches me all over and gives me suprises etc etc. But I guess he brought me much joy lately. And I really hope I’d get a chance to make him really happy. And maybe to give him suprises. I don’t know. Am in a confuse mood right now. Still am although things are much more settled. =(

Met her after that. A last minute thing. Made me happy but I could have been hapier if those things above never happened. I don’t know how to look at things the positive side lately. I just don’t. And it has been tough. Really tough. Trials starts again tomoro and yet I am typing this long long blog.

Have been skipping school last few weeks. I only went 1day out of the whole last week. Imagine that? I know I made the decision to skip but I need time alone to do solid studies. And I need some time for myself to just relax myself. I need some sort of entertainment or something fun that I can do. At least something that makes me happy once again like how happy I used to be.

SPM is just about a month away and nothing is prepared. All i know that it is coming but yet I still fool around. I have to really give my all now. I have no other choices. It is either good or bad results and it is obvious I want the good results. I don’t know whether my brain still funtions after so much break but I wished it still is. With my terrible mood, I am trying. Trying and giving my all.

I mean how cruel can people be these days?

For the past few days, I have been reading the papers just to keep myself updated about the child in the gym bag case. It just reminds me about how cruel people can be these days unlike the olden days! People are cold, people are selfish, people don’t care, people don’t have a life, they just don’t have what it takes to be a human. I mean people are just heartless these days! And they don’t care. As long as it satisfy them, anything will do! It’s causing the innocence to die in pain. And how old is she? She is just.. 8?

I don’t know why lives have turned these way and I don’t seem to hear of a perfect solution to overcome such cases. Who is to be blame? You and I?

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Life for me has been like a roller coaster. Going up and down and up again. Exams are near and I have not covered all I need to cover. I have been trying to push myself. I study every night without fail unless I have a function to attend. No matter how much I am reading and doing, it doesn’t seem to enter? Or has it enter? I don’t know. But I can’t seem to remember what I have studied. To some extent, I get frustrated and annoyed easily because I can’t seem to understand what I have learnt. I know it’s some sort of last minute study but my sciences is so weak. I am frustrated. So frustrated and sometimes I jsut have to stop, and get some fresh air and just sleep and pray!

I have been sleeping a lot lately. I don’t know why. It is just lately that I sleep so much. Weird rite?

Trials and Diagnostic are up in the coming weeks. I gotta keep myself with the books. In some other words, make love with my books. At least until the day I get my freedom. =(

I don’t know what awaits me at this end of the road. And I don’t know why everyone says I sound depressed. I have got no idea. Today is the 15th of September 2007 and I am to leave St John’s Institution on 26th November 2007. It is just an amazing thing when I looked back at the good ol days in SJI. I have been a Johannian since I was in Standard 1. Every moments of it is kept close to my heart. Many has seen me grow. Friends like Yap, Tay, Harith and Justin- i’d never forget. I have seen them grow and I am sure they have seen me grow- physically and mentally too. And I know spiritually I have grown too =)

These friends of mine that I knew since Standard 1 till Form 5 now are really close. We have lots of fun, laughter; we bully each other and not forgetting, taking each other for granted are some of the things that is close to my heart. We see each other about 3/4 of da entire year. You make the calculation yourself. I know I’d miss them and miss the things we did. Especially those sinful notty things we do to break the school rules. I’d never want to forget a single bit of it. =S

Everyone knows (most of the people in my life) knows how much and how desperate I am to live school but yet a feeling of missing things and a feeling of uncertainties strikes me. I don’t know what awaits me after this. But the fact that I am sure I won’t be studying in my school really strikes me. It is less than 3 more months, I’d be leaving the school and I am having a mixture of feelings. I am not going back to Form 6 because of personal reasons. But 1 thing remains- it is not because of the school. My school reigns supreme and no one stands anyone to say anything about it.

Just spend a minute or two being me. And imagine this- I walk down the Bukit Nanas hill for the past 11 years. And my dad fetches me to school up the hill every morning. Imagine what my life would be next year when I don’t have to travel walking around the hill? Just imagine. It may be a lil tiring but it has become a routing; a part of my life already. I can’t imagine myself next eyar walking to a college not dressed in uniform.

St John’s is a school that I have chosen BY MYSELF. NO ONE ELSE! I was the one who said NO to Hang Tuah and YES to SJI. And it is one of the BEST decision I have ever made in my life. I insisted on St John’s. I somehow feel belonged being in SJI instead of Hang Tuah. I thank my parents for being supportive at that time. And I have never regretted the choice I made.

It is amazing how God has been working miraculously in my life for the past 11 years protecting me and showing me His grace and mercy. God has been good in showering His blessings upon me in my 11 years of schooling in St John’s. He has shown me what school is all about; what friends are for and most importantly how teachers impact our lives! Without Him, life in school wouldn’t be fun. I may feel ‘out’ at times but I know I was never lonely because my friends are always by my side to cheer me up and to bring joy and colours into my life. Life in school or even life itself, generally is NEVER A BED OF ROSES! But it isn’t full with thorns either!~

I do scared I would be ALL BY MYSELF when I leave school. I am not exactly scared but I do have such a feeling. Not because I can’t mix around and all but things would change. And it is like starting all over again from scratch. And it somehow hits me.Writing this do cause me some pain and cause me to think a lot. Things are just passing by my mind and I can’t stop thinking about how much life would change when i step out of St John’s Institution. I know life will definitly change and I need to re adjust my life ALL OVER AGAIN.

IT IS COMING TO AN END. WHAT AWAITS ME THERE? =S

I really don’t understand how selfish can you get.

You have changed a person because of your own selfishness. I don’t know how more selfish can you get. You can come to me and tell me I am being over. I really don’t get it. This person has never been this way but because of you, this person changed. It is annoying somehow.

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Oh my freaking gosh!~~ you know what? I have just finished trials.

And i thought I can get some rest. But unfortunately, I have just found out that I have got a 2nd trials. What the heck rite? Which means I have to stress myself and study all over again to outdo trials 1 so that I can have a better forecast result. I am somehow annoyed over this stupid ridiculous decision to have another trials. Well, not like I have any other choice!!~