officialy sick

I am officially sick.

How more proud can I be. I gets sick so damn often that I get so annoyed over being sick. I hate being sick. Seriously, it’s nothing fun being in this damn position. My brains go crazy. I get irritated over the smallest mistake someone does. And i mean I really get irritated. I don’t feel like doing anything. All i want is to sleep sleep and sleep and I don’t even feel like eating- to be frank. What the hell is wrong with my aniti body? Getting sick so often is like killing me.

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I don’t get it. You asked people out there to stop chasing the number of A’s and you yourself are forcing me to get as many A’s as possible. How ironic? Senses just don’t get into me. Really. Why are you pushing me to get the strings of A’s when you are telling people they don’t have to get so many. It is so contradicting that I have failed to decern the right situation and the wrong situation here. Really. Should I or should I not? I mean people always know me for being a procrastinator, a last minute king. And I think I have always proven myself.

Everytime you say that if i improve, you are gonna keep your silence. But everytime I improve, I get more naggings and stuffs. This just annoys me. I am not dropping in terms of results. I am improving. But you have failed to see how much I am improving and you keep comparing me to someone which I don’t think you should be comparing too. First, you compare with him, then another him. So, when will I be able to ever reach the best in my results? You tell me. The more you push me, the more I am pushing it back to you now. It is because I hate being nagged at. I always rise up to challenges and occasion. When have I ever failed you? Why are you giving me so much to bear?

Fine, I am glad to have someone there to push me. To be there for me. But i need some space to myself. I really do. Yeahs yeahs yeahs, everything is your effort during my UPSR and PMR years, I did nothing and it’s all your fame and glory. How kiasu can you get? I am really annoyed. Just leave me alone for some time. It is not like I am not studying. I am. You need to understand me. I am a person who studies when I feel like it. If you are to force me to study when I don’t feel like it, it won’t work. Whats the use of wasting my time. Even if you are gonna ground me, it is of no use if nothing enters my brain cells. I know you blame me for being not matured enough or whatsoever.I don’t really care.

I understand that if i don’t do welll, i don’t get scholarships and this and that. but I am doing averagely well. I think. No one knows better than myself who studies our own education system. I know the education system so well. I know their A’s and all. Can you jsut give me some break. I really need it.

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I am always at fault. I have to say sorry all the time. I just don’t get it. You think you are so right all the time. I have to give in all the time. You still think you are God. You knows the rights and the wrongs. Fine! I give in! If you appreciate me, I give in. But if you don’t, get far far away from here. I mean it. You think I need you to survive. No! You are hell wrong. I don’t! What gets me pissed at this time is you don’t even bother trying. All I wanted to see is that you trying. But you aren’t and I am to be blame for all those stupid arguments and all. How pathetic can I be?

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Sometimes, me giving giving and giving makes me go sick. I need to receive as well but sometimes i guess I need to keep giving and inside me, I am so dried. So dry.

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I am anxiously waiting to leave this pathetic country asap. I know that I will miss some people here. But so be it. I need a break. I have had enough I guess. My eyes are pain after tears that flown our so often recently. I may look a lil tough but inside me. I am not. I heard I will be going to Macau to Hong Kong and to Australia. I don’t know how long I am leaving. But I need a break. A break where I can just clear off my mind and be alone. Prolly I won’t really enjoy myself either as those ‘loved ones’ will not be there. But I guess this world has handphones now. So, i think it’ll be fine. But I am looking forward to the day I can burn my textbooks and uniform and be free.

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Baptist Rally tonight. Sigh. I am tired. I am sick. But well, no matter what I still have the obligations to go. Argh, feeling so uncomfortable. The headache makes me sick. I have lots more to do for Hillsong and Masquerade night things. Well, hopefully my health permits me the strength. Some people do know, I can do work till I get sick. I am somehow a lil like those workaholic people.. =(