Before you even talk and scold others. Reflect on yourself.

Telling people all the things that you ‘think’ others are doing, have you ever thought that you are doing the same either. So, you took a look at me now. And have never looked at your own self. So, I am telling you to even just take a look at yourself in front of the mirror. Just gaze at your own beauty and tell me if you think you are that good and perfect. If you are, congratulations! Whatever. Dun really care at this point ler.

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I am like having some headache, and some bad sore throat. Probably I am just too weak. A concert and party tonight- I can’t wait =P heheheeTill, then.. ciaozzz

What the heck am I blogging early in the morning on a Friday rite?

Yeahs, I skipped school today for some reason yet unknown.

But seriously, my teachers are not around today. And if I were to go to school today, I would only study 1 period.

I think I’d reather spend hours of my time on the computer instead of spending my time in school sleeping and talking.

I mean well, it’s also the eve of Masquerade Night. So, there are some preparations yet to be done.

So, basically excuses for me to skip school lah.

There is some good news I think I should announce:

I WON’T HAVE ENGLISH PERIOD FOR A MONTH!

Jane Chan is leaving for a month for also some unknown reason.

Maybe if I was taught by Mdm Elizabeth or Mdm Ng, I would be so sad not for not having English lessons. Nevertheless, it is Jane Chan. So whether I’ve got class or not also, it doesn’t really matter right. It doesn’t improves my English

Next things next, Pn Mahaya is leaving. My Form 1 supervisor who is now in the morning session is leaving for Saudi Arabia. She teaches perfect English and she is leaving. I still remember the days where we used to say Mahaya Berbahaya. Bahaya coming and stuff like that. I am so sad to see her leave. She is the debates teaching. I guess someone would be taking over. I would definitly miss her tremendously. A malay tacher speaking perfect English.

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SELF CONTROL.

Self control. Some people really don’t have self control. My classmates would know who. I am not mentioning names. I really feel his pain. Really. The wounds and scars on his hands being canned by the parents. If he doesn’t feel the pain, I feel it. Why can’t he stop going to CC. WHy can’t he go after school? He is jst being foolish by making such decisions I guess. He was never like that. I guess someone influenced him.

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People who are going to LTC, good luck and all the best!!

Pathetic people- going with the juniors and Mrs LTP. Gawddd..

I can’t imagine.

Getting new step-brothers? HAHA. I would laughs. Its like teacher is forcing you people to get ome brothers or something like that. Same room with you guys?

Oh, i sympatise u guys.

And you perverted guys! What a plan you guys have to bully the juniors.

I would definitly miss those fun. Hehehe.

But I really have some commitments here that I can’t go.

Not that I am skipping for purpose.

Oh, some of you, stop feeling jealous.

I will not forget that you guys are in Genting. And Oh, I mean kaki bukit genting.

Well, after months of torture and pain, I can finally say I am now on cloud nine =)

Not that I have fully let go everything, but it’s just time that I think I need to stand up again.

I may have to start the journey all over again but I think it’s worth the effort.

I don’t want to hold on to the past anymore. I think I am a happier and a more positive person if I do start anew.

Many things happened. Thats why I am feeling like i’m on cloud nine =P

I won’t talk much on how happy I am and what ahs happened but many significant things happened. I am just amazed at all the suprises people have have to me.

And to that bro of mine, thanks for everything. Seriously, without you, I wouldn’t have been this happy and glad. You guys made my day.

And to her, I have nothing to say lol.. Speechless… *****.

Love euuuu =)

Blogging after a week of silence.

I have learnt many things this week. Seriously.

This is gonna get me emo again but anything.

Probably I shouldn’t have take things so seriously. If I did not take things tht seriously, I might not be in such pain and in such state of anxiety. I am learning to let go at this point. I am startng to see a bigger and clearer picture if I didn’t behave this way. I wish that things were never like this. Maybe it’s time I should let go. I should carry on with my life and I think you should too. I’m never good enough for you.

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On the other hand, now that both of you found a new friend. I am glad for you. I am happy for you. I am trying to see the three of you being an awesome team. We may have fought. And we have not talk for bout a year now. But I am still happy for you both. I can sincerely thank you for the moments you both gave to me. It has been great and awesome. I used to remember the time when we both would study in the library and do assignments together as a team. It is now again, a thing of the past. One of you may still be in my class, the other in the next, but I am glad you both found urself a new study partner. Maybe my replacement. I don’t know.

If I were to blame someone, I would blame Kenneth. He was such a nice friend and ended up betraying us and get us all to argue and I still believe till today that it was all a misunderstanding. Sorry for not making it up because I really don’t have the guts. I don’t know how to explain it to you. And now Kenneth is in such a good mood seing us fight. Such a hypocrite. I am not talking to him maybe for the rest of my life. Come and ask me for soalan bocor for SPM thru MSN tht day, i won’t give a damn.

All in all, you have been a great friend of mine. I am glad you found someone to replace my position. You will always be my friend always and forever. I may not talk to you but I do care for what is happening to you. Good luck in your robotics yeah, you both? =) And to Kenneth, I can care-less about you. Really.

thanks to you…

When things go so wrong. I hide it deep within.

I know it is my whole damn fault to put in within myself.

Why am I always this way? I am not blaming anyone for what I am facing today. Not anyone.

But I hope the ‘some’ people understands me. I really hope in this time of stress and depression, people would understand me. I know I get pissed at the slightest mistake someone does now. Really. I would just throw my tantrums and all. I mean I am not asking for sympathy here but i just hope that you would give me some understanding at this time.

Being physically sick- i don’t care. But being emotionally sick really makes me sick. I hate it obviously. If I have a choice to look at things the brighter side, I would have. But at the moment, senses doesn’t get into me. It ‘s not like I don’t want to. But I am not ready to accept those facts and figures. I know that i have to one day- but not at this point of time. I know I am being so different at this point now. You don’t have to tell me. I know I ignore every single thing from you guys if you guys are not important to me. I admit I only reply certain people like my bros and her and jst some people. So unlike me? Just give me some time. I need it.

I don’t want to talk about what have hurt me this much. But just to let you know that I am sorry if I ever hurt you guys with my words or my actions. i have been harsh and mean. Just let me be for a while- friends. I will try. I know how much the ‘backbone family’ of mine is supporting me. Without you guys, I know I might have been hiding myself at home- tearing.

Oh. How can you be missing in action when it is my birthday? Ish…

We’ll do it a few days later yeahs? Well, a few days later simply means me doing something in return cause it is your big day. Not fairrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…. I don’t get something pulakkkk… Sighhh…. I have not exactly think of what to do but something will be done =)

All in all, miss ya and love ya. *hugs and kisses* =)

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Anyway, Hillsong’s tomoroe =)Trying to leave the past behind. Trying. =S

P.S: Don’t read this if you are not prepared to face the fact. Or if you hate vulgar words because this post is gonna be very rude. I assume

You are such a hypocrite. Stop telling me that I have high expectations for you. Stop telling me there are so many obligations that you want to put an end to this. You are just giving excuses. It isn’t reasons. All these, are excuses. I admit I have certain expectations to certain people. But I myself know that the expectations on you is not too high. I have given so much grace. I know what you can do and what you cannot do. I have eyes to see, ears to hear and minds to observe.

You should just tell me that you ain’t blardy interested in this whole relationship already. Because I can see it in you. Really. It is so shitty obvious. Stop thinking you are God. Stop threatening me in breaking off a whole relationship with me. You act like you are God- doing anything as you like, as you wish. Stop manipulating things as you like. It doesn’t fcking me that I am not ready to let go, you can do such things. You are just taking me for granted.

Yes, you are older than me by hell 2 years. But your maturity has never been up on par. You are just so gullible, so shaky. You do things according to your winds and fancy. If you think that you are more matured than I am, you won’t behave this way. How many times do I have to repeat myself? Being with you can make me be in cloud nine or be im hell. At the moment, I consider it hell.

You have never been truthful to me. Why must you do all this to me? I am just staring at the keyboard typing this- tears overflowing. I am gonna breakdown so soon. I don’t want this to happen. You might be all so happy this has happen because you can put an end to me and find some other people. All in all, I just hope that you put yourself in my shoes just for a while. Look at what I am thinking.

Many can testify, it is so hard to get me pissed because I always care for others’ feelings. But you, have made me this pissed and upset. You are such a good pretender. You used to be so sensitive to how I feel and how I am. But now you don’t fcking care. Why must you be this way? I always mean what I say.

In addition, I am tired of apologising over something that i have no control over just to save the relationship between us. Why must I be the one saying sorry all the time just to save this whole chaos that you have caused. I was just thinking whether i was right to blame you for all of the above. But after so much thinking, I think i did not made any wrong decisions in blaming you for the cause of it. I mean if i were to apologise for everything, and you do appreciate it, FINE. But you aren’t giving a whole fck about this.

You are plain selfish. Have you ever even think about how I am to feel. Why must you treat me this way? If you are to really ignore me for the rest of my life, I would just be hurt for the rest of my life. Why the hell am I taking things so seriously with you. Why? If I have never taken things so seriously, I wouldn’t be feeling this way. Or maybe I should be like you- be selfish, don’t care, do as I like and I wish, play around. So that I won’t get hurt. You may think it is amusing for me to write such posts about you, but it isn’t fun. My heart is aching.

I have always been trying to keep your good name. But sometimes, I need to deposit some things somewhere. It is so painful to always act as though nothing has happened. And I can’t do it all the time. I have my limits.

My mind is in such a mess now. thanks to me for thinking of how fcking much you have afffected me now. I know you don’t feel the pain. But I am feeling the cut deeply.

If you are gonna blame me for being ridiculous, lets look at this: You were on cloud nine yesterday. So damn happy. You were good enough to send me a msg telling me that you are and will be busy. Fine! I was understanding enough to know that you are out being happy and doing stuffs for someone. I didn’t force you to reply me, did i? Because I knew you were busy and you told me you were busy. I think I have done my part. So, when on earth do you think I am ridiculous?

In a months time, I know my big day is coming. But I don’t have the mood- not even mood for suprises at the moment unless some remedy is done here. Well, it’s only my birthday. So, what? Yeah, I am 17? No one will take any initiative to give me suprises anyway. Everyone is busy in their own way. Especially the hypocrite above. I finally know what some people really mean to me. I think I have once loved and cared for the wrong person. But I am still holding on- because I stil love and care. I know what I truly am in your heart. And it is still painful deep within. If everything above are settled, prolly it is already a birthday gift to me. I don’t expect much. I am contented.

I know I am writing this with great anger within me, with tears overflowing, with much heartache =(

I am officially sick.

How more proud can I be. I gets sick so damn often that I get so annoyed over being sick. I hate being sick. Seriously, it’s nothing fun being in this damn position. My brains go crazy. I get irritated over the smallest mistake someone does. And i mean I really get irritated. I don’t feel like doing anything. All i want is to sleep sleep and sleep and I don’t even feel like eating- to be frank. What the hell is wrong with my aniti body? Getting sick so often is like killing me.

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I don’t get it. You asked people out there to stop chasing the number of A’s and you yourself are forcing me to get as many A’s as possible. How ironic? Senses just don’t get into me. Really. Why are you pushing me to get the strings of A’s when you are telling people they don’t have to get so many. It is so contradicting that I have failed to decern the right situation and the wrong situation here. Really. Should I or should I not? I mean people always know me for being a procrastinator, a last minute king. And I think I have always proven myself.

Everytime you say that if i improve, you are gonna keep your silence. But everytime I improve, I get more naggings and stuffs. This just annoys me. I am not dropping in terms of results. I am improving. But you have failed to see how much I am improving and you keep comparing me to someone which I don’t think you should be comparing too. First, you compare with him, then another him. So, when will I be able to ever reach the best in my results? You tell me. The more you push me, the more I am pushing it back to you now. It is because I hate being nagged at. I always rise up to challenges and occasion. When have I ever failed you? Why are you giving me so much to bear?

Fine, I am glad to have someone there to push me. To be there for me. But i need some space to myself. I really do. Yeahs yeahs yeahs, everything is your effort during my UPSR and PMR years, I did nothing and it’s all your fame and glory. How kiasu can you get? I am really annoyed. Just leave me alone for some time. It is not like I am not studying. I am. You need to understand me. I am a person who studies when I feel like it. If you are to force me to study when I don’t feel like it, it won’t work. Whats the use of wasting my time. Even if you are gonna ground me, it is of no use if nothing enters my brain cells. I know you blame me for being not matured enough or whatsoever.I don’t really care.

I understand that if i don’t do welll, i don’t get scholarships and this and that. but I am doing averagely well. I think. No one knows better than myself who studies our own education system. I know the education system so well. I know their A’s and all. Can you jsut give me some break. I really need it.

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I am always at fault. I have to say sorry all the time. I just don’t get it. You think you are so right all the time. I have to give in all the time. You still think you are God. You knows the rights and the wrongs. Fine! I give in! If you appreciate me, I give in. But if you don’t, get far far away from here. I mean it. You think I need you to survive. No! You are hell wrong. I don’t! What gets me pissed at this time is you don’t even bother trying. All I wanted to see is that you trying. But you aren’t and I am to be blame for all those stupid arguments and all. How pathetic can I be?

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Sometimes, me giving giving and giving makes me go sick. I need to receive as well but sometimes i guess I need to keep giving and inside me, I am so dried. So dry.

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I am anxiously waiting to leave this pathetic country asap. I know that I will miss some people here. But so be it. I need a break. I have had enough I guess. My eyes are pain after tears that flown our so often recently. I may look a lil tough but inside me. I am not. I heard I will be going to Macau to Hong Kong and to Australia. I don’t know how long I am leaving. But I need a break. A break where I can just clear off my mind and be alone. Prolly I won’t really enjoy myself either as those ‘loved ones’ will not be there. But I guess this world has handphones now. So, i think it’ll be fine. But I am looking forward to the day I can burn my textbooks and uniform and be free.

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Baptist Rally tonight. Sigh. I am tired. I am sick. But well, no matter what I still have the obligations to go. Argh, feeling so uncomfortable. The headache makes me sick. I have lots more to do for Hillsong and Masquerade night things. Well, hopefully my health permits me the strength. Some people do know, I can do work till I get sick. I am somehow a lil like those workaholic people.. =(