Life in me is like a roller coaster.
Never stable, it goes up and down.
Nothing is certain within me. I just don’t know why.
I have said it counltess times and i am saying it again: I really wish things were like 2006!
It’s a hell I have been through,
Wish there is always an angel on my shoulder.
Sine the start of the year, things were already wrong and it is now getting even worst.

I am trying..
Really.. I am..
I have tried so hard to make your very own advise sink into my damn brains.
And wish all da stupid cells inside can accept those facts.
What you said were not all wrong- Starting the year right, and it should be okay..
I have tried, not like i did not?
But nothing seems to work..
I am tired of faking things out..
Really, i am..
The smile on my face is so fake.
I know you sense it.
My thinking isn’t right these days.
Worst still, imagine, alvin kok who doesn’t feels like eating? or even going out.

Sometimes, I just need that special time alone.
Life here is really like hell, now…
Deep within me, i know that my Lord is with me..
But why must everything be this fake?
Those special happy and joyous moments are still in my mind as it was just yesterday.
Must all good times end so abrutly? Must it?
I wish i had an answer to why things are like this!
Never have i ever thought life would go this way.
I know i am being very really negative, but do i have a choice?
I wish i had…

I am tired of faking things out..
The smile, the handshakes, the words, the care and the love..
I know i am an actor, a naturally born actor who is suppose to act out the life of Alvin Kok!
But does it really mean I have to really act out every single bit of it?
This acting is so different, it is basically lies, fakeness and all..
Wish i can be that good actor who jsut acts out the real Alvin Kok!
Is it that tough? Is it?

I don’t know.. I am confused as to why must things be or end up this way.
I really am..
And if you are really reading it now, and if you don’t know the Alvin Kok of 2007, you should know me by now…

Probably this is just the sick life of mine…

must every good thing end up this way?

knowing well, things aren’t right. But I can’t do anything =(
it is so bothering. i feel that I am so pathetic.
at this point, i am bearing all the pain, the hurt and all.
asking myself, many times, Why?
i can never seem to answer this damn question.
is it because of me? my attitude? my reaction? my sensitivity?
i jsut felt that everything happened because of me, the one and only me.
i don’t seem to be able to help in anything but to jsut give more heartaches to people.
feeling lethargic with everything that is happening. really.
feel like just giving up everything and do a runaway or something.
it’s just tough. never easy.

FORM 5, the miserable year is beginning to get worst.
things never gets right.
everything that i hoped for or dream or even prayed for will never come through.
is it jsut with me? why me?
it’s tough. don’t like to blame anyone but is it my fault on the other hand?
i really want to know.
can someone please tell me?

and now, something else next.
i know my blogs are desribing nothing that ur gonna understand. but i’ll just go on.
i just can’t let go the memories, the joy, and everything i have build up with you.
i know i am feeling selfsih or greedy. whatever u wish to say, but it just hurts for those things you have said to me.
really..

feeling tired of all these things. really i am tireddddd…
still trying, pushing myself through, the bleakest and the darkest times in my life.
why why and why? i just don’t know.. really i don’t..

OKay, yeah, school reopen-ed already.
It symbolises the start of my misery- FORM 5.
Things are different, i don’t know why I keep harping on the same thing over and over again.
Things are gonna be different, never the same.
People are expecting more in Form 5.
Some teachers are stressed up, not to mention, students too.
Look at the faces of my classmates and you’ll know.
Everyone is suffering da same ‘fate’, i guess, since it is SPM year.

I am just getting plain annoyed!
What is with comparing us to Victorians, CBNers, MBSians?
Is it that important?
Yeah, we may end up the best, but does it means anything?
Every single teacher, supervisor and ever the principal comes in and nag on the same old thing!
I guess yeah, it is creating a ‘healthy’ competition but the fact that this gives extra stress!
They talk as if we don’t want to do well, but I know deep inside my heart, I want too!
Stop telling me that if i don’t do well, I’ll go to Confucion and stuffs.
Enough!
I know I am getting myself into hot soup by writing my unhappiness and disatisfaction, so be it!
Ask yourself, who don’t want to be the best?
But must we compare? Hmmm..

Next up, stressed up teachers?
Cikgu bertekanan tinggi?
Gosh, these(this) teacher is just plain crazy!
Some of you are now guessing, and I guess there are not more than 2 in SJI!
S/he is doing work based on feelings.
Scolding us for something we did not do wrong!
Giving homework like mad!
Screaming and shouting in the class like an animal!
Assuming things herself!
Today was the first class s/he entered,
and we got scolding for nothing.
I remembered one of her phrase ‘Like it or not, whatever the teacher says is law in school’
I was like, yeah? So, what is with stressful teacher’s word(s) being law!
I was like looking around with my classmates and we were doing the eye signal thing.
She is just crazy!!
Being in the class early, my friends got scolding too..
Is it wrong?

1 teacher stressed up, 1 teacher having the PMS!
Can die!
Thankfully, the PMS teacher having start yet..
But I think in no time, it’ll start all over again.
Stop telling us you love us!
We would know if you really do, trust me!

And gosh, i am all pissed and annoyed!
All my teachers remained except for my Biology and PJ teacher.
How can they change our dearest Pn Mahzabeen to another funny-behaviour Pn Cheong?
Honestly, I miss Pn Mahzabeen’s teaching.
We all do. Why on earth isn’t she teaching Form 5?
Is just so sad! My class are all asking the same question as I am asking- WHY?
Whatever it is, with Pn Cheong, failure in Biology is assured.
Sssssssiiiiiiiiiiiigggggggggggghhhhhh =(

Is jsut the third day of school, and I have so much to talk about.
I know there’ll be more t0 come…
ISKL, Drama, Debates are all coming up again…
It’s my last year before i leave high school…
Hope to do well..

Honestly, I am looking forward to leaving high school, but I know I’ll miss St John’s, the school I have been since Std 1.
Walking back to school, lepak-ing around Jalan Bukit Nanas and all.
I will miss some teachers, not all..
Like I said, I know who trully loves me as his or her students. I know.
But ST John’s will always be apart of me and my heart. =)

Sorry for not being able to blog nowadays.Am busy, busy with so many stuffs, one after another.
At some point, i really feel it is time for me to give up.
But i guess the joy of the LORD became my strength.
It’s just not the usual me the past 2 months, i guess.
I was a whole new different person.
If you are asking the question of WHY? I don’t know.
People around me will often feel it.
Trust me! They do! And i am thankful that they do care..
People like them are hard to find.
Thanks to you people out there, i am still kicking, alive and well.

Christmas was kinda fun, although I was being a lil moody.
After much waiting and praying and people’s anticipation hurrying me year by year, i finally got baptised.
You know who you are, thanks for all your gifts. love em’ and appreciate it.
For this year, gifts from me are unique because i really took time to shop with Mr Lee, i mean Ah Kit.
Had my Christmas Eve with ROCKers and gang at Talipon Restaurant near Safari.
Went for a midnight or early morning bowling at Endah Parade and then went home.
I know it is nothing unique but at least i had something on..

New Year, another whole new story.
Another chapter of life, new hopes, new dreams.
Another chapter of life in the sense that I am finally 17.
Being 17 isn’t fun, isn’t simple, isn’t easy.
Coming to 17 years old, the only phrase that pops up is ‘SPM IS COMING’.
Not like i want the phrase to comes out, but it just does automatically pop up.
Annoying at times, isn’t it?
Had New Year Eve at Choon Kit’s house, yeah, Jono’s house too- had steamboat and lepak-ed till the night is over…

Now, time to be serious, no more anything attitude.
It’s all back to business! SPM is coming near day by day and it is scaryyyy..
To be honest, I am scared.
Whatever you wanna say, the fear is there.
I have never felt this kinda fear. It is different.
It is the exam that is going to determine my whole future.
It’s in HIs hands no matter what.
Doing my very best.
I know i am late in preparation but will tryyy..

I am in 5O again…
Right directly up from 4O.
KInda dont like the class now!
Things are different, never gonna be the same i guess.
The fun, the joy, the crap, the nonsense we had together is now memories.
Everyone is having the same fear, the same tension.
Having fun in the class is like a big sin already.
We don’t smile and laugh like we used to.
Everyone is serious, really serious in their work.
I guess i might be the only one fooling around here..
But I hope to update my site more.

Blessed Christmas and a Happy New Year!
God’s richest blessings be upon you!

Alvin