Posts Tagged: thoughts

I thought I could

Somehow I feel the sense of losing someone already.
I know I have not lost the person; even though its we are separated distance apart.
Knowing your coming 2 years, I suddenly feel all alone.
I know, Life still goes on..
But how is life gonna be?
I have got no idea.

I hope I won’t lose you.
Seeing the flashbacks of my mind the past 2 years just sucks.
It brought me more pain than joy.
However, there was also some moments where I was really made happy.
I don’t want the pain to go on.

Just when I thought things got a little better between us, you are going off.

I realised I have not been doing enough the past 1 week =(
And I am leaving on Monday.
I think what I am doing is of no impact at all.
Not significance. No difference.
I just hope what we are doing now will bring me strong memories I can keep.
The pictures took, the things bought, the gifts – will all now be the only treasure I have after your departure.
But how much are there?
Pictures? I suppose just a few. Nothing great =(
Things? I got no idea
Gifts? The belt is the one and only!

My life is in a deep dilemma.
I can never find someone who understands me as much.

I know I have failed miserably.
I did thought I was okay, But every time I think about it, I ain’t okay.
I did thought I can sail through this, but I am worried of how things will be.
I know you and your treatment for me too well.

SIGHS!

I am pressing on, despite what.
I am looking at things as positively as I can.
As bright as I can.
And spend these precious few days more…

I don’t care how you behave but I will give in my best.

Thats as much as I can do.

I don’t even feel like working anymore tomorrow and Friday.,
I am looking forward to Australia. Looking forward for time to come faster.
But not looking forward to May 12th. Thats for sure.

But what can I do?
What memories of you do I have to keep?
I wonder…

thankyouverymuch

Thank you very much for the patience throughout the period I did not update my blog.

I did it on purpose to maintain the first post as the bag post (which I’ve officially removed it). The person involved only collected from me like a few days later. Grrr.. Slow right. Scold him for my lack of updates.

I am officially done with Foundations Programme in UCTI. I actually think I was foolish. I think about holidays when i was still having exams. I think about working when I am on holidays. I feel bad. My priorities are getting from bad to worst. Anyhows, I went in with zero-knowledge on my Research Paper. Zero-Knowledge.

Expecting case studies and common sense questions, all that came out was mere junk. All slides oriented. Lazk of application questions. It’s just What is research and all its stupidity. I can’t believe I have went through a 13 week of hell with the module – LEARNING NOTHING! Lecturer was boring, uninteresting and just slow. I can’t adapt to his inefficiency at all.

I did not realised I learned nothing until I sat for the exams. And man, it sucks. It’s like you wasted 13 weeks doing junk, crap and mere shitty tutorials. Come on, those of you who knows, agree with me!

On another brighter side, I got back my job from Starbucks. Something that I wanted to do but was hesitating initially because I wanted to get new exposure and new environment. But no one wants to employ a 3-week staff right. It’s too short. I tried applying. I did. But it’s all sad news.

So, I love Starbucks and I am back there. I won’t mind actually. It’s just I am in dire need of some cash currently. To support myself.

I have been random. Maybe because I am so in the holiday mood. Perhaps, don’t blame me. I am on holiday! For those who are currently stress and you need some entertainment and laughters, yeah: COME SEE ME! I won’t mind.

But well, I think I am the one who spends my time most wisely. To my own opinion lah. I am starting work the moment I finished my exams – this coming Monday. And the last day of work day, is the weekend. And I am flying off already. And when I am back, classes ALREADY started. Note: ALREADY! So, don’t you think it is wisely spent?

And yes, I am typing this while being are living in the dark for Earth Hour. Perhaps, I am too. Not exactly. I left one light on, my air cond and my pc. Usually not this way. Definitely. But I need people to know Earth Hour is a mere publicity stunt and it is so over rated. I just opened my windows, my neighbours were all joining too. Nothing much to comment. I support the true vision about it. But more than that, argh.. It is just misused.

I think I need to resettle my biological clock again. I slept at 3am last night and woke up at 630am. My biological clock is getting from bad to worst. I never sleep this last last time. I used to be a goodie boy. *Okay, I used the wrong terms. My ex-classmates will always say I am naughty-naughty* But, I sleep early aite? Despite how naughty I can be.

At my age, who isn’t and wasn’t naughty? Come on. Accept the fact that we all are. Just whether we want to show it or not. And I think I showed it and my classmates accepted and got brainwashed by my terrible, dirty, horny(Opps, kidding) side. Maybe I am the most notorious one in my class gua. I speak out loud. I talk in a way, fluently. So, what can stop me from brainwashing people’s mind?

Don’t bother annoying me to tell you more unless you come visit me in Starbucks for a cuppa coffee. I am amazing. I am doing reverse psychology. People used to say treat me coffee, but I am asking you to come get a coffee. And someone please make sure I don’t drink too much coffee. It’s not good at all. I puked before, drinking Starbucks last time. I mean I drank too much, I suppose.

I am trying so hard to have confidence in myself. I am getting more perasan too lately, i guess. Working too much with the youth ministry. What to do. But it’s fun. :)

Please comment on my tagbox and the post. It’s dying soooooon.. :(

Postive!*edited*

Like I have mentioned in my previous posts, I am trying super hard to look at things positively. Perhaps not things, in general but life. We made it complicated thus, we have the responsiblity to look at things positively. It should help simplify things a lil. Perhaps, less arguments, less fights, less pushy.

I am not saying that looking at things positively equals (=) ignorance. NO NO NO! Definitely NOT. Looking at things positively means looking at the brighter side despite whatever has happened.

For example, my maid is still on her 10 days annual break in Indonesia. I gotta do everything myself. Well, let’s just treat this as some training. Hey, not easy for me aite? I am superly lazy – if you didn’t know!

What else? Hmm.. Anything lah. Just look at things positively and maybe miracles will happen.

You see. An amazing ambigram below. I never ever thought my name could be written in both angles. Never. Not at all. Maybe I am slow. Blur or whatever!~ But it’s amazing isn’t it? You twist 180degrees and you can still read my name. Well, you can try drawing one yourself. If you’re creative enough. Do give credits to me! =P

One side

The other side

Fantastic ambigram, isn’t it? Never you thought you can do that? You can! Looking at things positively is a choice of our own. I used to think negatively and behaves with it. But I am trying. So hard to see things positively. Not to get upset over everything I see. Not to comment over everything someone else does. Tough thing to do. Definitely.

The artist’s initial

The artist is actually Ong Ben Leon. For those who thinks they aren’t good enough to draw it, drop him a message at his blog and ask him to do it for you lah. I don’t guarantee it’s free aite? 😛 He enjoys using his un-blur brain to design and draw. Get him! 😛

Thank you people, my blog readers has increased tremendously. Triple, if I am not mistaken. Still not that high compared to many. But my number of ads clicks – SIGH! People, it’s media. You should be curious and click! =P

Last day of Study Break. Great. Just opened PT Lecture yesterday. I am super gonna screw things up. CIT, i didn’t open YET.

I just realised I’ve been the owner of this blog since November 2005. 3 years 3 months. Approximately. Kinda long actually. Browsing through old posts makes me feel that I’ve grown – in terms of writing. In terms of maturity. I AM NOT OLD OKAYY? Life as a blogger has its own ups and downs. I suppose I did stopped blogging a while but I was forced to by my English teacher who asked us to submit our diaries to her or blog add. Well, I’d prefer blogging, so I went back into it.

I wont mention names. Just so you know, teachers and lecturers visits blog. Don’t be amazed. Teachers nowadays. But well, you know if I were to write on this teacher; you will be laughing your heads out. Probably laughing like mad. You know what it is about lahGood or Bad!

i give up?

The moment you see me writing this, I gave up. I gave up not anything else but my QMS Assignment. I tried and tried endlessly to finish up and referring to notes, yet everyone has different answers, everyone has different opinions, everyone has different thoughts. This is really starting to get to me. I just don’t understand the whole question here. It is so frustrating at times where u feel like throwing aside all the work and just argh… This is way worst than Maths subject. At least we got the same answer with different workings. It’s really getting to me. Real hard. I tried. Erased. Redo. Recount. Rewrite. And the whole cycle goes all over again. I seemed so frustrated. Maybe I lacked rest. Maybe I lacked sleep. Maybe I lacked support. Maybe I lacked the wisdom and knowledge. What else is lacking of me? I want to do but yet I can’t. It’s not like I never tried. I tried. You won’t see me often sitting in the room alone doing Numerical Skills-related subject. It’s already an amazing. Having said, life’s not getting that challenging yet. I seek challenge that brings satisfaction. Not by doing QMS. It may be challenging but it doesn’t bring satisfaction. Not at all.

Argh..

As jumbled and messed up it is, that is exactly how my mind is. Nothing emotional. But just thoughts in and out of my mind. Assignments are not driving me crazy YET. Well, I just finished IT Applications Assignment this afternoon, Communication Skills class test this morning, Moral Studies assignment half way through. It wasn’t as bad. I am so-not-gonna-bother complaining about APIIT anymore. It’s frustrating. My 8 assignments for this semester which was supposedly given to us since week 1 has all been pushed back to the last 5 weeks. I think I have 5 weeks to go before this Semester ends. I’ve not passed up any assignments yet. Sighs

Friday will be the first 2 assignments: Moral Studies and IT Applications. But it was frustrating and perhaps, annoying when you have completed your whole report, templates, accounts, brochure and all; and your lecturer suddenly announces that the maximum pages for the full report is 30pages. Just 2 days before the hand in date. I perfectly finished it this afternoon, and I had 39 pages. Tidied up my work and when I heard that, I got kinda unhappy. How can you let me know this late?

Argh. Nevertheless I did it all over again. Like I said, lecturers are always right, isn’t it? Whats the point of arguing. I have so many more assignments in hand.

I don’t really feel stressed up because I think this is nothing compared to my Secondary School. Everyone is complaining but I think the workload is just okay. Not too bad. It’s just that our dear friend, Mr Procrastinate always influences us to sleep and so on. Our assignment is not that many after all.

It isn’t all a good week. Have been bothered by someone and bombarded with nonsense. Irritated; when you are so busy. And yet this person is complaining and all.

I can’t wait for my Semester Break next week where I am going to Pangkor. I need a break. I need to go far away although I still need to read my Business and so on.

I officially hate attending Introduction to Business classes. It is so freaking boring. Actually, the class was named wrongly. It should be called ‘Dictation Class’.

What Ifs

I should stop contemplating about what is happening and what is going to happen. It’s killing me for real. Whether you get it or not, you have my support. I am so worried myself about what will happen. I should just stop. Maybe I should just let loose myself once in a while between us and not holding on so tightly. Perhaps I wont suffer this way. Maybe I should understand more.

But all in all, I just hate ignorance. Nothing else. I don’t hate the person but I hate what has happened-IGNORANCE. Yes I may be immature. Yes I may be childish for not accepting changes but I am who I am, I suppose you have to accept me for who I am (if you really love me like you said) and you in return don’t get upset. All I ask for is to put in some initiative, love and effort to this. Nothing more. I am just so annoyed. Over and over again it happened and over and over again you apologise and I accepted it out of love and pain. I should just stay cool and calm . I should just stop contemplating.

Maybe I should be love-blinded so I won’t get so emotional over all these little stuffs?

Being emo over it is annoying too. It is frustrating to get upset towards you because it hurts. It really does. Free me from my thoughts, someone?

camp

I am back from a wonderful camp.
Somehow, I am out of words to describe how wonderful this camp is to me and to many. This camp changes lives. Yes, I am so so so tired, I slept almost the whole day. But i know it’s worth every bit of it. I miss camp. I miss the environment. I miss the people. I miss the fun. I miss the worship. I miss the prayers. Really. I do =(
Finally it is has came to an end now.

Leading worship for this big camp hall, with so many people was so scary at first. It really scare me off. However, it did not really stop me from leading people into WORSHIP. I can sense the burden that people are holding on to when they are in church but everything was let go in this camp. Maybe it is the power of prayer and worship. God indeed was moving. When I went on the stage the first time, nothing was about me, nothing was about my voice or nothing was about the team. Everyone was focused on the Lord even the young ones. Everything went on well I would say- minus all the musicians’ mistakes, my out of tune-ess, and the LCD mistakes. It was really an eye opener for me to see how this new generation are willing to just rise up and letting go everything to just come before the Lord. I may have lost my voice, but it is worth every bit of it.

The message was very practical indeed. Learnt many practical ways. It was so amazing that even only the first night, lives were saves (notice the plural form?). God indeed was working in the camp site. How amazing somehow this camp is. It was all messed up even the day before, but everything worked on well because the LORD was by our side.

**********

On the other hand, I am sorry to that special one if I have really ignored you. Really. I was busy throughout the camp. I was trying my very best to msg you every single bit of free time that I have. I really did. The line wasn’t that good for me to call either. I don’t know how to show you that I still love and care for you like before but I really did try. I am sorry for all the time that you were going through. I am sorry. I don’t know whatelse I can say. Anyway, if sorry is gonna heal everything, I would say sorry a zillion times. I miss you.

can u ever have the brains to think

Can you ever have the brains to just think about what you just did?
I know I am leaving this blog post hanging. Who the hell cares rite?
Look and see if i really did it.
Don’t just give my blardy name to reach your quota or to get a good reputation as a good teacher. You just suck.
I have not done it and I have to face the music? How ridiculous can this be?
Everyone blardy simply agree that, yeah, YOU SUCK!
Getting some punishments over things I have not done just kills me.
Furthermore, needless to elaborate, you know how strict my school is now?
Just leave me alone.

**********

I am sorry if I ever neglected you in my post.

Writing that I love you will never be enough somehow and someway.
I hope you know that deep within, I am still the same old me.
It has never change and it will never change.
I hope you understand that at this point of time, life hasn’t been great.
But you tried to make it look great for me and I am thankful for that.

**********

What sick is wrong with me huh?

The song ‘Hati Ini Telah Dilukai’ by Ajai and Kris/Nurul just kept playing in my ears.
Probably the novel The Pearl influenced me? I don’t know.
I have songs in my mind and the song will just play based on my feelings in my mind.
How great? -even during exams.
Probably what I wanted to throw out is that:
Semalaman terkenangkan dirimu
mengalir air matu membasahi pipi
mengapa kau sanggup meninggalkan diriku
sedangkan kau tahu perasaan ini
Kau berjanji, akulah kekasihmu
sanggup singkirkan semua cinta yang lalu
tidak ku duga ini akan terjadi
kata perpisahan yang kau pinta
Biarkanlah, biarkan aku hidup sendirian
tak inginku mengenangkan kisah lama
biarkanlah, biarkan aku hidup sendirian,
kerana hati ini, telah dilukai.
**********
Exams is on. So, i don’t wanna blog so longlah. Lazy lazy mee..

at times..

If you were asking me to describe my life in a song 2 days ago, I will sing to you:
It’s been a long and winding journey,
but I am finally here tonight,
picking up the pieces,
and walking back into the light.

But somehow, good things comes to an end-very quickly indeed.

Things went back to how it used to be. Annoying right?

I am so tired of writing how fucked up my life is lately. Really.
Things never seem to be good for me.
Everything is unfair, everything is just screwed up.

I have said, I get annoyed easily by the smallest mistake one ever made.

You can’t blame me. Blame the past.
Ever since that happened, I always feel insecure- wherever I am.
Somehow, I want to let go of so many things. I want to.
But deep inside me, I can’t.
I know I can’t. Blame me for holding things too tightly- but i need time to really put down everything.
I have tried ignoring those things that bothers me, but it’s painful inside- no matter how hard I try to ignore it.
Can someone every understand me for once?

**********

Now, why cant you or any others get off my back. Let me live my life and do whatever i’m contented of doing. Leave me to my achievements and maybe dont challenge me on that. Go make your own. Is it compulsory that i get scrutinised for whatever the fuck i do? You think you know me well, but you hardly understand me!

And you, dont think for one moment that everything’s okay. When one person says something, you have your basic rights to question, when 2 says the same thing about you, then you’re dysfunctional somewhere inside.

**********

Yes, it’s exams time. And somehow, I got numb to the ‘exams period’. Peter Yii has made so many exams for the Form fives. Basically every week, there is exams. So it’s kinda normal for me to just sit for exams. And who the hell cares what results I am gonna obtain.
And for people who knows I am from St. John’s.
Stop giving me that look! Stop giving me that expectations.
I can fail you anytime of the day. Really.
It doesn’t mean I am from St. John’s, I would get 9A’s for my SPM.
It doesn’t mean I am from St. John’s, I would get a job easily.
It doesn’t mean I am from St. John’s, I have a future. A bright one.
Recently, people have been talking behind my back and some, in front of me about how I am expected to perform in many other ways just because I am a Johannian.
I am tired of all these nonsence and expectations.
I am not as good as what you guys are thinking.

Life is kinda annoying, ain’t it?

whatever

If you done everything to make me happy just because you need a favour, i feel exploited. I felt like I am being betrayed. And now when it is all over, you are gonna get far far away from me. Up to you!
I have been thinking so much lately. I am just concentrating on the less important stuffs. It has been some time since I lost myself. I just lose that true me. I am now bad at prioritizing. Why so? I just can’t tell myself. My mind is thinking of so many things. It causes me to get mad over the slightest mistake anyone makes. I lost my patience. I LOSE HOPE IN EVERYTHING. I know I am sorry, if i have ever took any of you and threw my tantrums at you guys. I am trying so hard to bottle up everything. I no longer have the guts to spill it out. It hurts deep within me. Yes, say whatever you want, I HAVE MY EGO at times. I use to have people by my side to hear me but when I lost trust. I lose my guts too. It’s so hard to just spill it out.
I think I am getting from bad to worst in terms of studies. Although my results prove otherwise. I know myself best. I know when I will break down- usually at night. Whether or not, I will do well in SPM, i wouldn’t give a damn. I know I am plain stupid to make such statements but I just can’t care, can I? It is not like I don’t care but it is more of I can’t care.
**********
I really don’t care. Trust me. If you want to give me a B, C or even a D for my forecast result for my college application, SO BE IT! Stop threatening me about giving me bad grades. I don’t care. I know I have done all your work. Because of that few rotten apples, you are giving me those grades, YOU JUST AIN’T PROFESSIONAL. Seriously, who the hell are you to give me such grades when I know I can prove you wrong when the real results are out. Yes, it’s my ego speaking again.
Seriously, I feel disturbed. Day and night. Thinking so much. Is it my fault? Or was it yours? People are disappointing my one by one. Am I putting too high expectations on people. Every night, I will ask myself- Am I too much? What did I do wrong?
It seems that everyone thinks it’s my fault. My whole damned fault. But I just don’t know. My ego is there. I am not ready to forgive. Not willing to let go of things. I am holding things too tight. I am not willing to apologise. See, it’s my ego all over again.
MAYBE IT MIGHT REALLY BE MY FAULT…
It might be better blaming myself for something I have no control over..

I know many are concern about me, it stirred up a lot of questions. Many people message-ed me and I thank God for that. I am still taking life a step at a time. We’ll see what happens next.. =(