must every good thing end up this way?

knowing well, things aren’t right. But I can’t do anything =(
it is so bothering. i feel that I am so pathetic.
at this point, i am bearing all the pain, the hurt and all.
asking myself, many times, Why?
i can never seem to answer this damn question.
is it because of me? my attitude? my reaction? my sensitivity?
i jsut felt that everything happened because of me, the one and only me.
i don’t seem to be able to help in anything but to jsut give more heartaches to people.
feeling lethargic with everything that is happening. really.
feel like just giving up everything and do a runaway or something.
it’s just tough. never easy.

FORM 5, the miserable year is beginning to get worst.
things never gets right.
everything that i hoped for or dream or even prayed for will never come through.
is it jsut with me? why me?
it’s tough. don’t like to blame anyone but is it my fault on the other hand?
i really want to know.
can someone please tell me?

and now, something else next.
i know my blogs are desribing nothing that ur gonna understand. but i’ll just go on.
i just can’t let go the memories, the joy, and everything i have build up with you.
i know i am feeling selfsih or greedy. whatever u wish to say, but it just hurts for those things you have said to me.
really..

feeling tired of all these things. really i am tireddddd…
still trying, pushing myself through, the bleakest and the darkest times in my life.
why why and why? i just don’t know.. really i don’t..

OKay, yeah, school reopen-ed already.
It symbolises the start of my misery- FORM 5.
Things are different, i don’t know why I keep harping on the same thing over and over again.
Things are gonna be different, never the same.
People are expecting more in Form 5.
Some teachers are stressed up, not to mention, students too.
Look at the faces of my classmates and you’ll know.
Everyone is suffering da same ‘fate’, i guess, since it is SPM year.

I am just getting plain annoyed!
What is with comparing us to Victorians, CBNers, MBSians?
Is it that important?
Yeah, we may end up the best, but does it means anything?
Every single teacher, supervisor and ever the principal comes in and nag on the same old thing!
I guess yeah, it is creating a ‘healthy’ competition but the fact that this gives extra stress!
They talk as if we don’t want to do well, but I know deep inside my heart, I want too!
Stop telling me that if i don’t do well, I’ll go to Confucion and stuffs.
Enough!
I know I am getting myself into hot soup by writing my unhappiness and disatisfaction, so be it!
Ask yourself, who don’t want to be the best?
But must we compare? Hmmm..

Next up, stressed up teachers?
Cikgu bertekanan tinggi?
Gosh, these(this) teacher is just plain crazy!
Some of you are now guessing, and I guess there are not more than 2 in SJI!
S/he is doing work based on feelings.
Scolding us for something we did not do wrong!
Giving homework like mad!
Screaming and shouting in the class like an animal!
Assuming things herself!
Today was the first class s/he entered,
and we got scolding for nothing.
I remembered one of her phrase ‘Like it or not, whatever the teacher says is law in school’
I was like, yeah? So, what is with stressful teacher’s word(s) being law!
I was like looking around with my classmates and we were doing the eye signal thing.
She is just crazy!!
Being in the class early, my friends got scolding too..
Is it wrong?

1 teacher stressed up, 1 teacher having the PMS!
Can die!
Thankfully, the PMS teacher having start yet..
But I think in no time, it’ll start all over again.
Stop telling us you love us!
We would know if you really do, trust me!

And gosh, i am all pissed and annoyed!
All my teachers remained except for my Biology and PJ teacher.
How can they change our dearest Pn Mahzabeen to another funny-behaviour Pn Cheong?
Honestly, I miss Pn Mahzabeen’s teaching.
We all do. Why on earth isn’t she teaching Form 5?
Is just so sad! My class are all asking the same question as I am asking- WHY?
Whatever it is, with Pn Cheong, failure in Biology is assured.
Sssssssiiiiiiiiiiiigggggggggggghhhhhh =(

Is jsut the third day of school, and I have so much to talk about.
I know there’ll be more t0 come…
ISKL, Drama, Debates are all coming up again…
It’s my last year before i leave high school…
Hope to do well..

Honestly, I am looking forward to leaving high school, but I know I’ll miss St John’s, the school I have been since Std 1.
Walking back to school, lepak-ing around Jalan Bukit Nanas and all.
I will miss some teachers, not all..
Like I said, I know who trully loves me as his or her students. I know.
But ST John’s will always be apart of me and my heart. =)

Sorry for not being able to blog nowadays.Am busy, busy with so many stuffs, one after another.
At some point, i really feel it is time for me to give up.
But i guess the joy of the LORD became my strength.
It’s just not the usual me the past 2 months, i guess.
I was a whole new different person.
If you are asking the question of WHY? I don’t know.
People around me will often feel it.
Trust me! They do! And i am thankful that they do care..
People like them are hard to find.
Thanks to you people out there, i am still kicking, alive and well.

Christmas was kinda fun, although I was being a lil moody.
After much waiting and praying and people’s anticipation hurrying me year by year, i finally got baptised.
You know who you are, thanks for all your gifts. love em’ and appreciate it.
For this year, gifts from me are unique because i really took time to shop with Mr Lee, i mean Ah Kit.
Had my Christmas Eve with ROCKers and gang at Talipon Restaurant near Safari.
Went for a midnight or early morning bowling at Endah Parade and then went home.
I know it is nothing unique but at least i had something on..

New Year, another whole new story.
Another chapter of life, new hopes, new dreams.
Another chapter of life in the sense that I am finally 17.
Being 17 isn’t fun, isn’t simple, isn’t easy.
Coming to 17 years old, the only phrase that pops up is ‘SPM IS COMING’.
Not like i want the phrase to comes out, but it just does automatically pop up.
Annoying at times, isn’t it?
Had New Year Eve at Choon Kit’s house, yeah, Jono’s house too- had steamboat and lepak-ed till the night is over…

Now, time to be serious, no more anything attitude.
It’s all back to business! SPM is coming near day by day and it is scaryyyy..
To be honest, I am scared.
Whatever you wanna say, the fear is there.
I have never felt this kinda fear. It is different.
It is the exam that is going to determine my whole future.
It’s in HIs hands no matter what.
Doing my very best.
I know i am late in preparation but will tryyy..

I am in 5O again…
Right directly up from 4O.
KInda dont like the class now!
Things are different, never gonna be the same i guess.
The fun, the joy, the crap, the nonsense we had together is now memories.
Everyone is having the same fear, the same tension.
Having fun in the class is like a big sin already.
We don’t smile and laugh like we used to.
Everyone is serious, really serious in their work.
I guess i might be the only one fooling around here..
But I hope to update my site more.

Blessed Christmas and a Happy New Year!
God’s richest blessings be upon you!

Alvin

When nothing is right, nothing sounds right, GOD IS RIGHT!

I may be expressing my whole lots of anger in my blog again, but yet, it is so true that i could not resist myself but to write it down…

I don’t know… Sometimes, being so good hearted helping people, can end up getting urself in hot soup. Thats what I hate so much! I don’t get the point here! I am helping people and yet, I get the scolding for unfinished and delayed work… It’s so ridiculous…

Oh, so does that means I should just fold my arms and just see the things in front of my eyes get worst? I really don’t understand! It is so true that, when everything ain’t right, GOD is right in someways or another. I know I have friends who is by my side always -who comfort and care for me. They have just be fabulous.

This week has been s hectic especially with ROCK SUNDAY and ROCK ANNIVERSARY. Everything is also like so RUSH… and yea, ended up, i did the work again… sighh…

It has been some time since I blog-ed, cuz i have been freaking busyyyy with stuffs and yea, my blogging juices sudah hilang! SO, who cares.. I’ll get abck here when I feel like it….

Sigh Sigh Sigh…
GOD KNOWS!

And by the way, HAPPY 10th ANNIVERSARY ROCK!

When I feel that there is no one who cares for me, I always felt more of God’s presence in my life. Yeah, I may be depressed when I am lonely and there is no one there for me. But for that period of time, I learn to depend on God. Not that I am saying I am always lonely, but at times even if there is friends around, I don’t feel like talking to them. Whilst not wanting to talk to them maybe my fault, but probably is the time where God wants me to understand something. I do know I lack trust at times but His love, grace and mercy always carries me through. He is just amazing. As I grew older, I start to feel the more of His presence in my life. You may think this is no true story but I can testify it is true.

In times of help and my loneliness, God always send me friends. It is just that particular right time, where the people will just sms me unexpectedly. Isn’t He amazing?

Today was my Physics and Chemistry paper. A certified-death paper, I call it. Before exams, I go into the hall telling myself and reminding myself with the song God Will Make A Way. Indeed, he made a way for my Physics paper. I felt that someone was writing answers for me. Not so for my Chemistry paper. Although I trusted He will do miracles, but my Chemistry paper was so easy. For the first time, I left answers blank. I used do use a M-16 and shoot all the don’t know questions, but I didn’t for Chemistry because Chemistry equations can’t just be tembak-ed. I don’t want to feel stupid when teacher return my paper. I rather have it blank. Poor me…

Tomorrow is my Add Maths paper, it’s a nightmare! I think I definitely can’t sleep tonight. Sigh.. I am just worry I will flunk the paper! Will I? I have got to wait till tomorrow comes…

Till then, sigh..

IT’S FINALLY THE WEEKEND. I mean everyday I anticipate for the arrival Friday. I just love Friday and I can’t wait for Saturday and Sunday, when I get to meet up with people whom I really feel like meeting up with. It feels great when it is Friday. When it is Friday’s I have this enthusiasm in doing anything and everything, because it is just so close to the weekends.

I do admit I have Monday blues. I do!! You can see the moody Alvin walking around like a zombie in a bad mood in school. Everything just doesn’t make sense on Monday. =(

Not to be ashamed to tell that I have mood swings as well. I can really be in a bad mood when something bad just happens. My face will be as black as charcoal. And chatting with me on MSN will get stupid response, just like when you’re chatting with ghosts. I know it may be weird but yeah, so what? I can be really be irritated and agitated at times till I don’t bother looking at my phone. Those who know me well will know that, phone is part of my life. And it’s kinda hard to see me not with my phone. But at times, I just don’t feel like answering any phone calls and replying any of the messages. I can be that annoyed. Try me if you don’t believe. And I do hate it when people who are suppose to reply messages; don’t reply out of a sudden. Yeah, you know who you are. I don’t exactly hate it but I just find it a bit too much. I am bothered by it. Don’t you think it’s a bit unfair for me to reply you straight away and you, not to even bother or take your own sweet time to reply? Yeah, but to some extent, I don’t really mind. Not trying to make anyone feel guilty here but just a piece of my mind. But it is nothing lah, actually… Probably I am just a bit over sensitive at times.

I do feel that as I grow older, I began to be over-sensitive. And when I am over-sensitive, I tend to over-react. I just have no idea what on mother earth is wrong but it is probably just part of growing up, I guess… I don’t wish to feel like that but sometimes it just pops up. Not that I can stop my mind from excessive thinking or something. Haha

Okay, enough of some nuisance thoughts from me. Please understand that the writer is sitting for his exams. Therefore, it is the tense and pressure that has cause him to spill his evil thoughts in this blog of his. =)

Good day, people!

Sometimes I just feel miserably annoyed. I don’t wanna elaborate on it. People involve should know who they are.

All I can say is that some people’s mentality suck, especially that pure Chinese mentality. I am not being a hypocrite here trying to criticize my own race or anything. But I would just like to make some damn remarks here: SOME Chinese really have their own thinking that is so so so so so wrong! I just couldn’t emphasize any much further, but yea- their thinking is so bad. When thinking is bad, actions is equally bad. Words they use penetrates right deep into your heart. It is really painful at times. But I just kept quiet to avoid any hell of problems that will continue. They also have this mentality of not forgetting. I mean, yea, problems to pop up but they just won’t stop whining about it! I am not being ironic but it is just so true. I just don’t wanna talk any longer on it And I repeat, I am not criticizing my own race or anything. This is just true! Notice around and you’ll see…

I am miserably annoyed not only because of the above- there are many factors related to it. Chinese mentality is just one of them.

Chinese being Chinese, maybe- the kiasu attitude, the wanting to win attitudes…

Total rubbish I find it.

Okay, yeah.. I hate exams since God-knows-when. It is total nightmare. Yeah, I may be the few best in the class… But it is USED TO BE. I am no more one of the few best. Probably my feelings of giving up everytime I open my books. I feel helpless and I would just stare at the books like I am learning something. I don’t have anymore of those enthusiasms I used to have in studying since some time ago. It is obvious that I couldn’t care when my friends come and ask me ‘How is exams?’, ‘Oh, what a result’, ‘Haha, Alvin is lower than me’. Yeah, so what? I am lower! I am more terrible! Any other words you want me to add. You guys beat me, so? Happy izit? You think I really give a damn about it? I don’t. I used to when I was in Form 3, but no more! Even the stupidest boy could probably be smarter than me…. Ah, like I said- Who cares? I don’t have the kiasu attitude! Furthermore, I study for knowledge! Since when have I ever study for exams? Never in my life- I tell you!

I am just not into that good mood nowadays. Thanks to that particular some people. If you people reads this and suddenly felt a pinch in yourself. Yeah, that’s you! YOU! You made my life miserable. Either you come and apologize for all that you have done or you can just shut up and let me dislike you forever! Too bad…. No other remedy!

When it just isn’t my month, have been sick for the past consecutive weeks and yeah, it is exams week… which basically means finals for my Form 4.

Headache, headache and headache all day long just isn’t good… I kinda feel that my body is weak this few weeks. I don’t know what is happening but I am feeling helpless in this state of health…

Exams started 2 days ago and everything is kinda fine although I don’t really think I will do well… Yeap, and the first day of exams got me very pissed. It was really a horrible way to start my week. Everything kinda went wrong, what I wrote wasn’t right, writing the wrong things is just making me worst. I don’t know what I was writing. And the fact that if I do well, all glory belongs to the Lord for I think He wrote those essays for me. I don’t think I was writing and part of it. When the exam time is over, I noticed- “Wow, I finished’. Time flew that fast that particular moment that I didn’t even notice. It was a 2 and a half hour paper but ended up, it was like a 5minutes paper. Part of the miseries were contributed with the haze. Haze is so damn terrible in the city, my school can hardly see the KL Tower. What the crap I was doing the past few days left unanswered. This is just a short blog writing of how I am feeling being a helpless human being in times of difficulties. Cioz.

Alvin