We often hear many says that the only child gets the attention. We often hear many things about the only child and only child. We seldom get to hear about the oldest child in the family. There are pros and cons being the eldest amongst your siblings. But sometimes I don’t know why I choose to dwell on the cons more than the pros.

Being the eldest, gets mostly all the attention at the beginning before the second one is given birth to. The love, the care and the spotlight; is all on you. However, you don’t get as much of those when your siblings are borned. I also think that being the eldest is like a try-and-error thingy. Where your parents try certain rules and boundaries on you which may or may not be good sometimes. For example, restriction of freedom? You don’t see that happens when your younger siblings comes along after that. They get more freedom after seeing that the older ones still come back alive and well.

Being the eldest obviously, you get all the scolding (or mocking?), at times. You have gotta take responsible of the younger ones. You have to take the blame sometimes of the younger ones. I do get miserably annoyed at times. To me, I’ve not done something wrong! Why me?

I dislike it when someone tells me, ‘Give in! He is your brother’ or ‘Must give things to him or her because they are younger’. I mean somethings I really deserve is given away just like that at times just because of the age gap? I know I sound selfish but in a way, it is not doing any justice to me. And yet, I am reminding myself that life is never fair and it never will be.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………

And today, I finished class at 5pm. Unfortunately, due to the fasting season, the LRT is so jam pack and really got me annoyed. The worst nightmare is the hustle and bustle inside the LRT itself. Can you imagine creating scenes in a sandwich-pack-LRT? I mean, it is not like it is empty. Everyone is back-to-back and there you are pushing your friends. Screaming and shouting around like monkeys. Don’t you people feel ashame of yourselves at times? I was almost squeeze to death and there you are enjoying some lil-space-fun in the LRT? Can you put some sense into it? You are not the only one rushing home! I am too. Everyone in the LRT is trying to get to their destination as fast as possible. So, please be considerate. Bear in mind our transport system is not even on a ‘Very Presentable’ mode.

Often at times, we take things so easily. We take things for granted. We do things without even giving a thought on the consequences that will take place. We often think about what is fun, what is cool at that point of time. But I’ve learnt that those fun and cool things are just temporal. It doesn’t last forever. Neither does it do good after some time. Just take for example, I had dirrohea the last whole night till this morning. I don’t know what is the cause of it. Maybe the food I had last night. I am not sure. But there is consequences to everything that we do and everything that we say.

You may not see the consequences now. You might not see the consequences happening on you. But everything we do and say, there are consequences. As I matured older, I’ve learnt a lot from life. The true meaning of life and everything in it. It doesn’t come in just a day. It comes together with the experiences I’ve had. I’ve failed many times yet I’ve picked myself up. It is undeniably true that God won’t give me something beyond what I can bear.

I’ve come to realise that in all my actions, I must think of it’s consequences. Sometimes the consequences might not be the way I’ve thought it would be, but at least I’ve given a thought on it. A least I would minimise the pain, the hurt, the guilt in me and others. Everyone hopes that things will go well. Things will be perfectly fine. But honestly, it won’t be.

Those without even giving a thought on what will happen in the future might risk hurting others and maybe, themselves. Friends are friends. Feelings are feelings. When you have hurt and betrayed the feelings of your friends, it isn’t wrong for the other party to get angry. It was your fault. The consequences sometimes may be friendship. Like it or not, many people covered ‘friends’ with ‘feelings’. It is not as easy to put friends beyond your feelings at times.

Betrayal is something everyone hates. Ignorant too. But what is most important is that you are true to yourself and you think of every consequences that will happen. It could be a short impact or that impact could last forever. I truly don’t want to see splits. I don’t want to see guilt. I don’t want to see a bond ends jst because of an immature incident. I don’t want to see fights. Indeed, I don’t know how much is the price to pay for that incident but I am praying that it won’t be great.

As cliche as it may sound: No one is perfect. We got to accept each other as they are. Accepting their failures and weaknesses. Apparently, it was tough. But we got to learn to adapt and accept. Thats what great friends are for. I wore a spectacle chosing the friends I mixed with for my good. I’ve never regreting meeting such friends. I still trust and believe each individual of us are unique and different. It has been about 3 days, I may seem that I don’t care but inside me, I hope everything will go well tomorrow. I am anticipating for another exciting journey with you people this coming week. I don’t want to run away from the issue. I don’t want to hide.

We have to face it, like it or not. We can’t act as though we’ve never knew each other (although I’ve always had that thought to some people). But this is life, we can’t run away neither can we hide for a long time. Why not let’s face it? It may be pain for now but it may do a good future. For you. For us. =)

It felt great worshipping the Lord together as a church this morning. Given the honour to take the stage to lead the people, I was glad everything went well. It feels so great when you can just put aside everything and just worship Him and Him alone. Singing your hearts out. Meaning the words. Giving and surrendering everything and every part to Him gives a sense of great relieve. Being in the presence of the Lord, just gives you a great fulfillment. It is not about the lights, it is not about the people around, it is not about the stage but it is just about you and the Lord. All in all, every worship session is refreshing. There’s something new installed for me each session. And I look forward to more of these precious times.

Rehearsal yesterday was short. We had a short devotion and a short worship ourselves before the rehearsal to prepare our hearts as we serve Him as a team. We took an approximately 1 hour and we managed to finish and go for our lunch. =)

Without me realising, time flies. The ‘gush’ of time passes so fast. It seemed as if I celebrated my 18th birthday yesterday. it seemed as if Christmas was last week. Time flies. Every Monday comes and Friday will come right after. I look forward to Fridays on Mondays and Weekends on Fridays. And every Sunday, I tell myself, ‘There goes another weekend..’.

And without me realising too, it’s August and now we’re celebrating Independence Day. With the not-so-stable political state in our country, let’s just put those things aside. It used to be, ‘Independence Day?’, ‘Public Holiday lor’. Whats the big deal kinda thing? When I was really young, thats the only thing that comes to mind. Nothing else. Apart from the Public Holidays, I don’t see the true value in it. Because I don’t even know how to celebrate it. If I get angpaus, during Chinese New Year. If I get presents, during Christmas. That was celebration. So Independence Day, I get money or something?

But I’ve learnt to be proud of the city I live in. The country I live in. Although I may not enjoy the current administration and the state of the country, I am proud to be a Malaysian. Having a holiday is no longer the key thing but it’s now the secondary thing. The primary thing here is that our country is now in its 51st year.

Much has been done, much has been said about the current state of the country. At least I am thankful I am in a country where there is no disasters or wars. At least we are still living in peace. Indeed, Malaysia is a unique country you can’t find elsewhere. The multi-cultures in this nation never fails to amazed me. You can’t find it elsewhere.

In a nutshell, I won’t ask you to fly the flag. Because I did not either. But what you can do is to be proud of who you are and be proud of where you were once born.

Come back to the country’s instability and all. I see the need for Jesus to be the God of this City. Only He can brings change. Only He can brings healing. Only He can be the hope to the hopeless. No one else can do such an amazing thing. I look forward to the day where everyone from different states and race to come as one turning their eyes upon Jesus. It will be such a magnificent scene when I am able to see it. I am sure He is and will be the God of this City and He will bring change! I stand in no position to question Where, When and How but I can do my part to pray for this change which will impact many people and their future generations =)

I just felt that I’ve gotta change my layout as I am starting to see the layout go rusting. I was searching and looking for a layout and I found this new layout. I don’t know what you guys think but I felt the need to change and revamp the site. Apart from that, the theme of ‘letting go’ is probably something relevant to me. As I am struggling to let go of things that I often hold so tightly, it might be a timely reminder to let go of things. To surrender it. To give it all out. I don’t know what you guys are to comment on this layout though?

Reading a hilarious post by Mr Warren, my Malaysian Studies and Moral lecturer’s blog.

Enough said. I am starting to get over all the tough times of yesterday. All the miseries. All the problems. It wasn’t that tough as all of us were just friends. Things can be settled easily if wanted to. We can choose to reconcile, we can choose to apologise. However, it wasn’t as easy if it was something to do with him, her. I am definitly more emo if it was them. I am sure you know.

Talking about relationships at 18 is taking away the freedom and fun of a 18 year guy. I beg to differ. Let’s first define ‘freedom’ and ‘fun’. What do people mean here by ‘freedom’ and ‘fun’? Freedom and fun can be something done whether or not you are in a relationship. Being in a relationship doesn’t mean you are tied down to another person. It doesn’t takes away ALL your freedom.

You can still have fun even if you are in a relationship. Who says you can’t? I am not personalising anything here but it is kind of unfair for people to say that. Well, it could be a selfish thought of just having fun and freedom. If you think carefully, if you are having the correct fun and freedom, what is wrong with being in a relationship? Unless you plan to do something filthy and sinful?

Isn’t it? Thats one piece of my mind. =)

When one chose to think that way, that is often exactly how one will do things at the end of the day. I got somehow miserably annoyed today with things and thoughts that happened around me and my friends. I don’t know how to release this anger and disappointment in me but I have been thinking since the moment I came home until now. My thoughts was like many others, ‘Who was wrong?’, ‘Was I wrong?’, ‘Why this way’. My mind was filled with unanswered Whys!

But coming to think of it in a more matured manner, I was thinking also of, ‘Why do we often blame others when we don’t even check ourselves?’. I was just wondering why mankind likes to push and put all the blames on others and fails to check on they themselves. I am not excluded. I often throw the ball all around to others in the hope that it doesn’t comes back to me. We often say point the fingers at people when we don’t bother pointing the fingers back to ourselves.

There are also people who often comprehends of the negative side of things only. They only think about what bad things will happen if we do this and do that. It often brings so much restrictions to how things turned out to be. It gives pressure to the people around. Why and who are we to judge what the results will be when we have not even given a try onto certain things?

I often say that people have different level of maturity. Everyone claims to be matured, to my suprise. Everyone points the fingers to each other for being childish and all. But do we know what maturity is all about? Maturity has no measurements. Maturity is something developed. What’s the fuss about being childish and matured? I see no sense in using it as an excuse. Asking neutralised parties which side they are in sounds even more pathetic. It’s like someone standing for a by-election or something like that.

Egoistic is another part of it. Everyone refuses to apologise. Refuses to give up. No one’s right. Yet it seems no one’s wrong too. What is wrong with a word of apology? What is wrong in saying something like Sorry. It isn’t that tough. But ego is holding back the word of Sorry.

All in all, a long story. A miserable one. People concern should reconcile? Certain things done can’t be undone. Certain things said can’t be taken back. But maybe an apology can make things right no matter how long it may take to heal the wounds. But I see it as a necessity.

Ivan asked me to ask people around me, ‘Do you think being in a relationship at the age of 18 takes away your freedom of being 18?’ Tell me about it =)

When everyone is using the rainy season to describe their feelings, I thought I could use it as an analogy too. But the sadness is that most people are relating the rain to something sad, something unhappy, something disappointing. But the first thing that rain brings to my mind is the word PROMISES.

Diverting from the topic, I have told myself to always look at things the brighter side. If my mind comprehends the bad, it will turn out to be the bad. Telling myself to look at things from the right perspective might probably make me a happier and cheerful person.

PROMISES. Why rain and why promise?
In short: It’s the BIBLE, during Noah’s time. The rain brought the rainbow which brought the promises.

Promises are something people make to another party or another person. It is something I think brings more weight than laws or regulations (Opps.. =D) Our words are sometimes considered promises. Or perhaps, often considered promises.

Some promises you think, may be easy to fulfill it, but some are really not. The rain brings me promises everyday (lately lah) that the LORD loves me. I suppose it isn’t easy for the LORD to love a sinner like me? His grace and mercy is just so free I see.

Being in the same way in reality, it isn’t easy to keep promises. I know I’ve failed many. Perhaps, I’ve failed myself, I’ve failed people. In the sense that I just fails to keep the promises I make to myself and others. In a period of time, I get so determined and promise myself of certain things which I thought I was capable at but yet I was not.

On the other hand, I made promises to others which I though I’ve not fulfilled it too. Somehow, you may want to be angry with me, or upset with me. Sometimes somethings are beyond my control. I am not blaming everything I failed to do to ‘beyond my control’ excuse but somehow it is tough keeping promises for some reasons I don’t know.

For instance, I made a promise to someone to be understanding due to this someone’s busy schedule right now. I failed keeping my promises so many times. I feel guilty every time I get so upset with this person for his actions and ignorance. I do tell myself that I need to be patient, I need to be understanding but yet I am trying so hard. I am really trying. This person knows. This person made me promise because this person know I’d get upset but yet this person isn’t blaming me for this person knows I care.

Promises. It isn’t as easy as you think it is. I am sure you have failed keeping your promise at least once? How much I too, wish the rain could wipe of the feeling of guilt in me, but it can’t honestly. All I can ask if of the Lord’s grace and mercy. Only He gives grace so freely. Only He loves me like no one else do.

You know this topic was already on my mind since yesterday (Saturday) and when I had a chat with some people this afternoon in church, I just thought maybe God was trying to teach me something about double standards. I am sure many people knows what double standard is. It is when you say something, you do a different thing. Or you treat different people differently based on their status, wealth and so on.

I don’t deny that everyone is selfish in their own way. Like it or not, you are in a way selfish to a certain extent.

I just got a little agitated…

1. … when X told me X is busy and can’t even spare some time out for me when I found out X has been having hilarious conversations all over with X’s friends. And don’t call me someone important to you. X comes to me when X is in need.
Well, X is actually 2 person in my life. Sadness isn’t it?

2. … when Y said NO to me, and yet Y went to somewhere who Y is closer to, and say YES over the same thing.

Don’t you get so annoyed at times when this happens? In a way, you feel cheated at times. You feels that you are insignificant. You feel so intimidated to even want to talk to that person ever again. Don’t you know that you are that selfish to do such a thing to me when all I do at times is to keep waiting for an apology?

It has been hilarious following the political issues in our country. We had a random chat in class while waiting for Ms Sunita (my ITA Lecturer) to enter the class. Politics was what we were talking about. While some claims that it is boring; some interesting; some stupid, I find it matured. It feels as though as you are matured to be talking about Politics.

We analysed, we commented, we criticised, we supported- the politics in Malaysia. Malaysians now know that they aren’t in safe hands. Government can change anytime, petrol price goes dwingling so on and so forth. Not in safe hands means anytime, things can change. And it might not be for the good.

We all know that the leaders are all striving for the best of the nation. But on the other hand, they are also striving the best for their name and income. I am sure you know what I mean. We were just thinking about certain leaders who lost in the general election in March. Some definitly deserves to lose, some we know should win but did not. But it isn’t in our hands to judge or to select leaders of other constituients either.

We also talked about how certain leaders behave. Their attitude, their cruelty, their kindness etc. But I was just thinking to myself, we may be busy commenting, but undeniably true that leaders faces more temptation, most obstacles , more rejection. It isn’t so easy being a leader. It is easy to say, ‘If I was the Prime Minister …’ but the true fact, things are not as simple as you think. Don’t get me wrong. I am not being pro-government neither am I against them. I am just generalising my thoughts and our opinions.

We have also just heard of the decrease in oil fuel price. But yet, yesterday the papers announced that the new rate will be announced on August 31st. But yet, the next day, it was already announced. It somehow makes me feel that I was cheated by the government. It’s like promises made not kept, rules made were broken. As everyone is rejoicing over the fuel decrease of approx. 15cents, I am here wondering why is the decrease only 15cents when other countries have been reducing way more than just 15cents.

And we were pondering, by the next election, most of us can already vote. And it seems that we see the victory of the Opposition party as the younger generation tends to vote for the Opposition for the sake of voting something against. My advice and view is that we should be voting for the right leader, not the Opposition for the sake of doing it. But if of course, if the leaders in the Opposition is good, the vote. Or if the Government has a better leader, then vote. Why vote for the sake of voting when we knows it doesn’t bring much changes to our nation?

As another part of our country goes through election, many is and are wondering what will happen if HE wins, or if HE doesnt win. Things goes so uncertain but I know one thing that He is truly in control. His love for His people will never fade no matter how terrible things may be. I am sure He won’t give something that we can’t bear. As citizens, all we can do is to elect the right people, pray for the right people. Pray for a REVOLUTION. Pray for a CHANGE. Pray for a REVIVAL!

*This post was not meant to offend anyone.