I had a fantatatastic day today! I guess it was much fun although I am lethargic.

Yesh, I finally went into Sunway Lagoon today with my youth cell group. Our apologies for not being so daring to bring a camera, so no pics. Don’t even think of pics of bikinis and all. =D

We met at church early morning and the 8 of us were like early. Even before Sunway Lagoon was opened. But we managed to go on most of the rides (minus those I am afraid off =p). Rides were really fun. Love the wet rides instead. Not too scary; not too boring. The flume water thingy was fun too! 😀

I have one of the awesomest youth members in my youths. Although many couldn’t make it; but we still enjoyed it. We came back around 5pm or more. All tired but we screamed together, laughed together, shouted together. And it was really really really fun being with the group of people – who has the same passion as you for Jesus! 😀

On another note, I went to Genting for a night trip yesterday. To visit the Heroes Campers and to have a cuppa. I finally had my Toffee Nut Frappuccino. I’ve been wanting it for soooo long already. And now I’ve got it finally! Next craving: The Prosperity Burger. Oh shucks, just remembered I need to lose weight. I’ll try to have self control. =)

I wished classes was over so that I can sleep and sleep and have fun! But sigh, it’s not. this week is just the final week. Assignments pilling up. But not doing it till January. =D I am one good procrastinator. I think I am la.

And yeah, looking forward to more fun days ahead! Wait, I think tmr is another (fun)day! 😀

I hope you read this.

I don’t mean to be ignorant. Neither did I meant to give you that ‘cold’ touch. But I couldn’t help it. My heart is so wounded over that many instances and I wished I could still be who I used to be when with you.

It’s not that I don’t love you anymore. Or it isn’t that I don’t care. But my heart can’t resist the pain thts coming out of it. I still do care. If you think I don’t.

I still want to be who I was to you years ago. And years to come. I’ve developed a phobia of starting a conversation with you now because I am afraid I’d get ignored. I’m afraid that we would start arguing and the list goes on. Yeah, I am scared. This was unknowingly developed.

I now know why I choose to read smses so late at night and just throw my phone on the bed. It’s because I am so afraid. Afraid that we would argue; afraid that you’d not even reply.

I know. It’s sick. But it’s also painful.

As much as I hope you’re feeling the pain; just so you know, I am nowhere any better.

If you think I didn’t want to meet you, I want it so much. But I don’t know what my reaction would be. My heart is so wounded and so low confidence when it comes to you. Now. Only now.

I don’t know. I tried repairing this brokeness. But I can’t seem to do it alone. By myself.

I am trying to put on that smile for you; but I want you to know that it has not been easy for me. To be the way I am.

I still love you like I used to. Cared like I used to. Just that…

I always think that I have not been mentioning people who has been a great blessing to me. I know I missed out on a promise on the blog post of ‘Top People in My Life’ but tell you what, I’ll mention one of them today. And the rest, I will think about it. How about that? 😀

Okay, I hope thats the deal?

That person I will talk about is Sarveen. =] Used to be my junior in high school at St. John’s. I’ve got no idea how we got this close. He’s now like my little bro. I can bet you, he’s one of the most notorious boys and notorious prefects you can ever find in school. Don’t kill me for saying this. =p

I talk to him so often. Almost daily; he messages. But yeah, we get too busy sometimes anyways. But it’s alright. I sometimes can’t believe myself that we are that close till we text even when I’m in Singapore; He’s at London. LOL.

But we rarely talk la. Now SPM for him. But he’s leaving pretty soon already to UK anyways next month.

I just had to talk about him because I think he lacks my mentionings in my blog. But I still do care for him. =]

Just when you thought life was getting better, it did not. Life is tough. Tougher than I once thought.

Yet after putting in so much to this person; and now this person is leaving me (another one). This time it hits me more because the person is leaving to London for studies. I am yet again torn into two. I am delighted that this person is studying there; yet I am reluctant to let go, after so much that I’ve been through. And making it through together despite our gap in ages, wasn’t easy at first.

But now, it’s part of my life. A norm. To let this person go would mean another part of me crumbles. Well, although promises from this person assured me it would not – because of the return from London every 3 months. And with the advancement of phone and Internet technologies, the assurance made, make me feel better.

=]

London isn’t near. Not any me, can just go anytime. But I choose to hold on. Sometimes I wonder holding on makes me stupid? Or foolish? I can’t see the “wise” side of holding on to such a thing. But my reluctance happens because this person, too; means a lot to me. Probably more than the person could ever think.

Well at least this person comforted me much when we were in our daily conversations that day. The assurance given and made makes me feel all the more better. And knowing that the person would be in better hands in the future; helps me understand – how I should NOT be selfish.

I think it’s a nature that humans are selfish in their own ways; me too – can’t escape the fact that sometimes I think I am selfish. I don’t know when to define myself as selfish, and when not. There has been no clear lines of what selfishness is.

Anyhows, after 2 days of accepting the fact that – this person is gonna go and will return every 3 months. I think this post isn’t as bad as it was intended to be.

The smiles carved on your face will always be stucked into my mind. The love shared will always be cherished by me.

I am convincing myself that London isn’t too far. LOL. I am trying, okay? To look at the brighter side of things. It’s not everyone who gets to study in London especially just for their A-Levels. And SPM has not even ended for this person. I left not many days. But I will hold on. =] Skype will always work. Although MAC hates MSN. Hahaha.

To love or not to love;
To hold on or not to hold on;
I will choose to still love and hold on.

I will choose to apply ‘unconditional love’ – Like some has said, it’s either unconditional love or no love at all. My sister often offers me ‘conditional love’. If I get to play with your handphone (the new one), I’ll sayang you. Many of times I don’t bother because it’s conditional. Told her over and over again but well, kids.

I choose to surrender my path to Him above. The tighter I hold things (people), the more God is taking it away. And probably even further and further. Maybe I should not hold things too tight. But how? I don’t know. I am still trying to figure it out.

This person is one of the person I’ve been praying for salvation. This person and a few others. But I shall let the mighty God tells me how and when or maybe He will speak to them personally.

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On the lighter note, I am stucked here at Jalan Jujur, Taman Bakti because of my stupid diarrohea and dizziness and some fever. I am supposed to be in the camp in Jalan Ampang! Not stuck in here. I wished I was there; but physically – I don’t think I can.

I’ve got no idea why I always fall sick at the wrong time. The last time being before my finals. And that was months ago. Don’t tell me I always get sick.

No pictures today. Lazy to scan through my hard disk.

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And see, Facebook just tells me this in one of the applications,

Love is either unconditional or it’s no love. You might like someone conditional on their personality or behavior or circumstances. But love accepts no boundaries. So never say ‘I love you because’, for love has no cause, love comes from God.

It is prolly true. =]