argh

On April 23, 2007 by alvinkok With 0 Comments - Uncategorized

Shut the fuck up! I am annoyed. Stop getting me pissed. I saw hope for the first few days and everything goes to the damn drain. I am just getting so frustrated. Why must things be all so good in a sudden for a day or two and everything gets back to all the terrible situation? Why? Stop taking me for granted! I just hate being taken for granted. I am just so pissed at this point of time. If this is the case, it is hurting me twice as much as before. Fuck it lah!

Whatever! Whatever! Whatever!!!!!! I just don’t know what to do.

cluster

On April 20, 2007 by alvinkok With 0 Comments - Uncategorized
A SUMMARY OF CLUSTER SCHOOL OF EXCELLENCE CONCEPT BY THE MINISTRY OF EDUCATION
I am not against the whole concept of cluster school. Really. Why do I have to? Instead, I think it is a brilliant idea. But no one could have ever thought the miseries that would bring to the teachers and the students if full autonomy have been given to a principal who misuses it.
If you don’t get me, I am saying that the pricipal is making me feel sick with this title. I have said, I am not against the new system. I am proud of the system and I am indeed glad that I am the pioneer batch of this cluster school of excellence. But I am sick with how my principal manage the school after being given this title.Everyone in my school, including me would pretty agree that Mr Peter Yii wants the best out of his students and teachers. But the way he is enforcing the new things, make everyone retaliate at this point of time. I am pretty grateful having a good principal like him- who guides us not only during our secondary school level but more than that. And the coaching he has given to us about moral values, about behaviour and being a student with confidence. I am so thankful.
All I would ask for is that he implement the changes slowly and not being so drastic. You may never know about all the new things he has implement on us after us being declared a cluster school of excellence. Have you ever cared about how your teachers and students feel?
Here are some new things after Cluster School of Excellence:
1. Ujian Pengesanan is a waste of time. This dear principal of mine has decided to have Ujian Pengesanan every month. You might have asked what this is all about? This Ujian Pengesanan thingy is where each subject teacher gives us 4 essays and 4 structured questions with the model answer at the beginning of the month. And at the end of every month, students have to stay back from 2-3 and 2 essays and 2 structured questions are tested. We have to basically write back what we have look through or memorise. Don’t you think it is a waste of time? It is not done during the class hours but after class hours. Why force all of us to get 70 marks and above. If we don’t get 70 marks and above, we will get 2 strokes of cane and we have to re-sit the same paper until we pass with 70. Isn’t it ridiculous? Imagine if we get less than 70 for all the subjects. count for yourself how many canes we are to get? You are basically caning us for our stupidity!
2. Caning from the principal makes me sick! Imagine you go t0 school with fear everyday? The principal enters your class every single day without fail to cane those students who were absent the day before without letter. Damnit! We are 17 and you want to cane us? And all the reports the teacher writes into the class diary, we get the canes from him as well. Is he crazy? He does that to the whole school.. Imagine it? Don’t you feel the fear in me. You can’t blame me. You have used the cane way too much. Basically, we get cane for the smallest mistake we make.
3. Stop encouraging the teachers to give extra class. We are all appealing for shorter school hours and here you are, asking the teachers to lengthen it. WTF? I am tired enough to stay till 2pm almost everyday. What more do you want? And skipping our lunch because of class? It is pure torturing!
4. The teachers are also complaining-every single one of them. The principal is pressuring all of the teachers to improve in their teaching, don’t be late for class, check their books every week (as if we are kindergaten students), and asking the Ketua Bidang to do random inspection on books and class. Teachers too teach with fear now. They no longer give you that smile to assure you that things will be alright, instead, they will give you the fierce faces which just annoys me and take my mood away.
5. Stop giving teachers their targets! Each teacher have been set targets for the classes they teach. For example, 18 people to get Sejarah 1A in SPM for 5/O. Isn’t that ridiculous? If he/she doesnt achieve, they will have to see HIM for some scoldings!
6. Saturday classes. Are you crazy? Most of the Saturday’s you have asked us to come to school for class. What more do you want? It is Saturday! Get a life!
7. The principal should stop coming into the class suddenly and cane everyone when it is noisy.. The innocent will also get it!
There are so many more new things in the school. Before you come for us, look at you damn self! You have cane almost the whole school and it is undeniable that you are very good at caning because it really really do hurts. It makes me start to hate this cluster school concept. It is so pressuring and everyone is going crazy. Can we jsut have some fun in school like we use to have? Give us some time. Don’t rush in implementing so many things! We are no robots. We want you to know we also want the best possible results. Stop coming after us and chasing us like crazy..
Why must I always be the guinea pigs for the governments? I just dislike it!
I really wonder what steps are VI, SAB and CBN taking! We have took so many steps to ensure we are one of the top. I mean to remain one of the top premier centenary school in the country.

PUBLIC APOLOGIES

I am sorry for putting up my last 2 posts without the consent of tht 2 person. I really am. It was what I felt but I never intend to hurt you guys. You know how much I care and how much I love.

To BL: Thank you so much. I know you have been trying since that day. I can see it in all your messages. I hope things will last. You will always have a place in my heart. The scars are there but I pray, 1 day it will all be gone… =) Although you seldom take initiative, but at least you are responding.. and taking a little initiative.

To ‘buaya’: You know my heart. I don’t have to go on further… =) You have been a great blessing. Love ya!

To SC: You too will have a place in my heart. A significant part. I do hope you know. No matter how down you are feeling, I will always be there- to hear and to help you up. Trust me. This is my promise for you. Hope you are feeling better…

I know I have been a bit rude in my last few posts too, I am sorry.

SELFLESS TO SELFISH

Sometimes, I don’t know when I am to be selfish and when I am to be selfless. I somehow thinks that I have been selfless way too many time. Enduring everything and anything that is given to me and doing everything for people. Letting people get the fame and I do the job just piss me off at times. Prolly I should not be selfless anymore and I should learn to be selfish. I don’t know…

**********

SOLD OUT CONCERT

Anyone going? I am still promoting it again…

Band: 1a.m.

Album: Sold Out
Launch Concert dates: 28th and 29th April at 7pm
Date Venues: 28th at ECF Puchong and 29th at KDU Auditorium
Ticket pricing: RM35 inclusive of 1 free cd and 1 bonus dvd.
For more info, please visit www.1am.com.my
All proceeds go to the charity.
ST JOHN’S INSTITUTION, KL CERIATHON 2007

If you want to donate to SJI for it’s Ceriathon- please do so, contact me!

If you are giving mroe than RM 200, your name would be on a speacial board and would be hang in the school forever as long as the building is still there.
Please give generously especially Johannians out there! Your alma mater needs money!
The target is RM 80,000.00 this round.
Once a Johannian, Always a Johannian
FIDE ET LABORE!
By principle and hardwork =)
, ,
DSC_0101 DSC_0101

blah

On April 14, 2007 by alvinkok With 0 Comments - Uncategorized
You will never know the hurt in me. How much more time do you want from me? It has been almost 6 months since i last see you. I just don’t know how long more. I am willling to give all the time in the world just to wait. But will you ever appreciate it? Will you ever use it? How long more do you want me to give? It hits me badly everytime. Whatever goodnight messages you are gonna send me, it still hits me. How long more do you want? Why don’t you tell me?

If you are claiming you are having a rough time, so am I. Having this damn rough time partially because of you! If you think you are gonna break off a whole damn relationship with me, and your problem is solved, QUIT BEING IMMATURE! It doesnt solve your problems instead give you more problems! I am so tired and sick of all these things. I have done all i can and all i could to make you the happiest person you can ever be, but you just never appreciate it and in return, giving me all the hurt and pain. WTF is wrong? Telling me you are busy, I have been with you for months and almost a year. I know when you are busy and when you are not. What you do when you are busy and what you don’t do. I know it so well.

Looking bad at the past, it hits me even more badly. You use to spent your time with me- before school, right after school till we get to bed. You have always been trying to make me the happiest person i can ever be LAST TIME. A little merajuk-ness and unhappiness from me will cause you to react and do the best you could to get me back into the mood- LAST TIME. How many more last time do i need to express.

I sometimes find it so selfish of you. You can just love and care for someone so badly to a certain extent where you are willing to do anything for that person. And in a glimpse of an eye, you can just stop loving and caring for that person just because you have another set of new love ones. How can you do that? I wonder. The most hurtful thing is that you can just leave all those people just like that because you have found someone else.

If it was my whole damned fault, tell me about it. What did I do wrong? Why must you leave me in the dark? How much more pain do I have to endure? Am dying inside because i finally lost everything… Everything… including YOU! YOU! YOU! How much longer do I have to wait? I want everything to be how it used to be like or at least close to it!! I know I am plain pathetic at this damn time.

You told me I was once the first few in your life. Am i still holding that position? Or am I not? I am doubting. After all that has happened, I am doubting. Do you still care and love me like you have always been doing? Looking and hearing you call other people ‘bro’ and being called ‘bro’ doesnt at all hurt me. I am not gonna be selfish. At times, I know i can be selfless. Yes, in fact, most of the time, I am SELFLESS. Argh~ whatever.. You wouldn’t give a fuck about it.

Sometimes i get so upset about everything I contemplate to.. It is because I still care. Well basicly i have no balls for anything, there’s still so much of life to live out, yet there are equally as much to die for. Literally. I get so preoccupied with unnecessary thoughts. Stuff that i shouldn’t give two fucks about. Yet, stuff that stresses the shit out of me. Why do i care about you?! And what you do. You’ll do what you do, and you’ll enjoy what you do, and why am i breaking myself because of what you fucking do? I just don’t know..

I know if you read this, you are gonna be pissed. Very pissed. But i just can’t help it. I have tried lying to myself. I have tried controlling myself. But the love and care for you is just too deep. I just hope you won’t be pissed.

The scars are already there. =(

I no longer feel herculean to you anymore…

How long more do I have to endure? I am going crazy…

**********

ROCK: DETOUR

pictures speaks a thousand words

Figuring things out

Getting ready…at Taman Tasik Titiwangsa- Eye On Malaysiaat KL Sentralat Museum Negaraat KLCC- taking a picture of the team with the Twin Towers1st team to arrive- RespulsiaThe people behind the scenes **********

I guess thats all i gotta say for now.. I am sorry if I have ever offended anyone =(

I know it was not my kind to be so rude and foul nowadays. But I guess it just slips up from my mouth. I have never used this words since I was in Form 1.

**********

ADVERTISEMENTS @ www.arvinez.cjb.net

SOLD OUT CONCERT.

If you really want to go. Let me know and I will TRY (no promises) help you get the details.

,

blah

On March 21, 2007 by alvinkok With 0 Comments - Uncategorized
I know how much i’m letting go this time. I’m making a decision based on my self-importance on the expense of letting someone who loves me so damn much go.
I’m telling myself i’m not letting you go just yet, no, i’m not ready to leave behind all that we’ve done, all that we’ve experienced, all that you’ve done for me and everything i’ve done for you, all our sleepless nights and our meagre quarrels.
Arguments, to us, become chores. I know all i did was to blame every argument on your stubborness and mood swings, but its just me and my ego. I never take the blame, and even if i know i have to, i’ll be reluctant. This is just unfair. Its unfair for you. You will not take this in, you will not trust me, you will not listen nor believe what you read. After what took place, it was selfish of me, to make such a decision based on my own importance.
I know i’d never find someone like you anywhere out there in the goddamn world. Someone like you who’ve loved, love, and will love me as long as i’m alive. I can see it in you, i can see that love and care. And i know i’m not treating you right, which is hurting me twice as much as i’m hurting you.
How would i treat any other person in my life right? When i cant damn treat my loved one right?! I’m holding back tears now. You know how much i want my own privacy in my room but…. I’ll save my tears for tonight, when i’m on my bed, just staring into the night lamp, just let the tears roll AGAIN.
But its only acceptable to me that i blame myself for all these even though its something i have no control over.How much you want to run away from me now, i understand. But just believe me when i say i’ll always always be there for you. Please believe me on that.
I dont need any explanations or reminders of what i’ve done to hurt you. I know i fucked up. I apologize but its of no use, whats the point of apologizing without making an effort to do anything right? But if sorry’s can cure your pain, i’d say sorry so many times.
This is as much as i’ll say for now. So you know about what’s going on in my mind. And that you’re not the only one hurting. I’m sorry you have to be alone throughout this whole time. You know that deep down inside of you even when you doubt it. And i’ve never had a doubt that you love me as much and more. In every way possible, you’ll always always have me. I know I dont deserve your time. I know I don’t. I am sorry..
**********
I somehow know that I am smart. Yes I am. I really do know that. But I am just plain lazy. I have always give in to my flesh. I know it is my major year. My last damn year. But I somehow lose the touch. the feel of studying. Making myself study just doesnt work. Nothing goes in and I end up wasting my whole time doing rubbish and nonsence.
I hate being that last minute king. I really want my A’s badly. Real damn bad. But I just cant do anything great at the moment. Seriously, my mind is not into this whole stupid Malaysian education system. My mind always wanders to somewhere far far away and God knows where.
I just need that touch. That feel. That concentration and determination in me. Thats all I want and ask for. Is it really that tough? I know I can do it. If not, I wouldnt be getting good grades for UPSR and PMR rite?
I am trying.I am.I am fighting against myself.So many things has happened and I just need some time. I am really trying to push myself.Really am.
If you are asking me how i am gonna do it, I can’t give you an answer right now. I really can’t. But I will jsut go along and see what really happens. Sometimes, somethings are beyond my control. I dont have the right over it.
I am just human. All I can do is to just try hard. Nothing else really matters.
**********
Again, I am sorry.. CWMY…
Love ya and Miss ya always…
=(

short

On March 15, 2007 by alvinkok With 0 Comments - Uncategorized

GO AHEAD
well, if you think you would like to sacrifice all everyone’s feelings and care because of ONE, please do so! it is pure stupid!

promises into lies

On March 8, 2007 by alvinkok With 0 Comments - Uncategorized

TURNING PROMISES INTO LIES
I keep wondering why people in my life never keep their promises. The things they utter are just like words uttered by a 3 year old kid. Can someone just keep their promises for once? If you never mean what you are going to say, never say it! Sometimes, you may have say the things repeatly but do u really mean it? Giving false hopes to someone really hurts, especially you. you never bother keeping your promises and that hurts me most. Deep inside me, there are a lot of anxieties, hurts, thoughts, fears and all. This year hasn’t been all-good. Faking out my smiles and laughters all day just make me feel so tired sometimes. Thinking and going through of all that has happened, i learned a lot. Yes, the pain is still there but the amount of things i have learn through those experiences are so valuable. Nevertheless, i just wish that everything goes on well. Trying my very best to make my promises never to turn into lies…

Drama..

On March 5, 2007 by alvinkok With 0 Comments - Uncategorized

Finally, the script for drama is out. Kevin manage to complete it in days. Great job dude =)

I know the drama team is ready to create more dramas in the midst of preparing for the Drama Competition. We pledge to do our best and like i said, it is my last year in high school and it means so much to me. Words can never explain how much it means to me. Yessssh, i may not have that great of a confidence now for drama but I am trying to regain that confidence I used to have.

Life has not been that miserable this week YET. I hope it stays that way. Looking at things on the positive note, I hope that everything will go in place.

I am ready and all set to make more dramas =p

goshh

On March 2, 2007 by alvinkok With 0 Comments - Uncategorized

My blog. My dear blog. A place where I throw out my everything- my feelings, my thoughts and stuffs. And again, I am gonna just talk about those things are am just so pissed off with. Sometimes, I try not to throw my anger here but it just seems to flow out along the way. I am sorry.

My journey as a Form 5 students is still full with nightmares and miseries. Still wishing things will always be the same as how it used to be. A part of me tells me that a journey must have obstacles and I must learn from it, and the other part of me just wish to give up at times. Really. Is giving up the best solution? I don’t know. But I felt, giving up might be the best but painful solution. I don’t know.

First things first, DRAMA! For those who care about me, DON’T WORRY! I am not taking directorship this year. It is my very own decision that I have made. Being the director of the last year’s drama, it ain’t easy although I have learnt a lot and I have got to know people’s characters and their attitude and learn more about appreciating arts. I guess I should just give this title away to someone else. That doesn’t mean I don’t support the drama team anymore! Whether or not I am in the team, my full support goes to them! They will be the only team I vie for and I know they will live up to the standard.

Starting off, last Wednesday, Pn Gokilavani (my drama teacher apart from Ms Ellina) came to see me in class. She told me that Drama Competition is on March 19th, 2007. I was like: ‘OMG, teacher!’. It is just 2 weeks aways. She told me I have to submit the names latest by Friday. I was like, Okayyy. Aparently, CBN and other surrounding schools have already started their preparation and their all ready for it. Yes, it is kind off unfair. I immediately gave Ms Ellina a call and talked to her about it. I have got no idea if there is something wrong somewhere as how can CBN get the letter earlier than us by weeks? I am surprised. Well, life still goes on, we are rushing out hearts out just to send in the names and the title. It is my last year in high school; I really don’t want to screw it up. It means a lot to me. I know I might sound a little desperate but well, it is a medal and the cert I am looking for. Furthermore, I want to go to Kedah this year for the finals no matter what. It is my wish to be there for drama finals. And all I have is 2 weeks. Serious shit, I only have 2 weeks. And exams is like just around the corner. Sighhh~ wish something could be done! I want drama to be postponed at least till April! Shuckssss.. ~

To that person, you know who you are-
I just don’t get it. A few seconds out of your 24 hours means a lot? Please! Just say it right in front of me that you don’t give it a damn! If you wanna ask that same question, ‘Are you pissed?’, yes I am.. Someone who claims that he will do every single thing and that he will always be there for me. So fake now, when I come to think about it. I am prolly stupid to believe in something like that huh? Have you ever really think about how I feel? How I am? And I am being even stupider to send you a message and not getting any reply. I know my initiative is not appreciated. Since you came back, things were wrong. May be it was because of her. I don’t know. If it was really because of her, I can tell you, you changed a lot. So much. May be you are willing to sacrifice everyone just because of her. I don’t know if it is worth sacrificing everyone because of her. You make you own decision! Anyhow, I guess I would just stop communication with you for the time being, I AM DON’T WANT TO MAKE YOU FAIL ME! Just wake up! Enough said. It is just something in my mind that I want to let it out. I hope it doesn’t pissed you off because I still do care and love even I am mad.

And yes, stupid SPM is like 8 months away. I am counting down daily with my classmates. I just can’t wait for the day to finish high school. Seriously, I don’t want to wear my uniform and hold my heavy bags anymore. Give me a break.
Being so stressed up lately. Serious, the homework and work load given can’t be completed. Nothing can be completed within one night. I tried. I pushed myself. I burn the midnight oil but well, just pure shit! Getting those wackings, scoldings, whining, caning are just so normal to me already. I got used to it. I tried but I can’t. Well, I am not the only one. The whole class goes through it together. I am not alone.
Have teachers ever thought themselves? I hardly have the time to study myself. I look for reasons to skip nowadays. I just need some air to breathe. I need a break. The class is like hell to me. It never brought the joy and the fun that it used to bring me.
I WISHED I WAS SITTING FOR SPM TOMORROW!

Communication. It seems that I am having communication breakdowns with some people. I don’t know if it is my fault or if it is theirs or both parties. I don’t know. I am so sick of it at times. Somehow, it is just that I am not concentrating on what people are really saying. My mind thinks and wanders a lot lately. I have got no idea why.

Getting back to Chinese New Year. The mood isn’t there. I don’t feel any CNY mood at all. I am just tagging alone this celebration I guess. It wasn’t like how it used to be- lively and fun. Thanks for those angpaus and gifts. I just appreciate it.

And Valentines Day, all I want to report is that I got a bottle of stars with scrolls of messages, a small flower and a bear, card and some chocolates. You just gotta guess it is from who =p. Anyhow, thanks to that person!

And teacher/teachers/anyone, if you are reading my blog: This is just my view on somethings. I am sorry if I have offended any of you. I really am. I know the way I expressed myself is a bit vulgar, but I didn’t mean to upset anyone.

With love,
Alvin

figuring out

On February 22, 2007 by alvinkok With 0 Comments - Uncategorized

sorry for not blogging for some time now. i really dont have the mood to blog nowadays. i don’t know where all my blogging juices had gone.

life has been miserable. really miserable. no mood for anything. not even this chinese new year season. just sucks to feel this way. =(

things are so wrong. really wrong. i don’t know why. this year just hasnt been fanstastic. it is just so different. why? i dont know.

school sucks, people sucks and sometimes, friends suck as well. not all. but most of them. when will this end, you ask me. i don’t know, my dear friends. i am just so confused at the moment. and i am still figuring it out lah..

…

On January 28, 2007 by alvinkok With 0 Comments - Uncategorized

Life in me is like a roller coaster.
Never stable, it goes up and down.
Nothing is certain within me. I just don’t know why.
I have said it counltess times and i am saying it again: I really wish things were like 2006!
It’s a hell I have been through,
Wish there is always an angel on my shoulder.
Sine the start of the year, things were already wrong and it is now getting even worst.

I am trying..
Really.. I am..
I have tried so hard to make your very own advise sink into my damn brains.
And wish all da stupid cells inside can accept those facts.
What you said were not all wrong- Starting the year right, and it should be okay..
I have tried, not like i did not?
But nothing seems to work..
I am tired of faking things out..
Really, i am..
The smile on my face is so fake.
I know you sense it.
My thinking isn’t right these days.
Worst still, imagine, alvin kok who doesn’t feels like eating? or even going out.

Sometimes, I just need that special time alone.
Life here is really like hell, now…
Deep within me, i know that my Lord is with me..
But why must everything be this fake?
Those special happy and joyous moments are still in my mind as it was just yesterday.
Must all good times end so abrutly? Must it?
I wish i had an answer to why things are like this!
Never have i ever thought life would go this way.
I know i am being very really negative, but do i have a choice?
I wish i had…

I am tired of faking things out..
The smile, the handshakes, the words, the care and the love..
I know i am an actor, a naturally born actor who is suppose to act out the life of Alvin Kok!
But does it really mean I have to really act out every single bit of it?
This acting is so different, it is basically lies, fakeness and all..
Wish i can be that good actor who jsut acts out the real Alvin Kok!
Is it that tough? Is it?

I don’t know.. I am confused as to why must things be or end up this way.
I really am..
And if you are really reading it now, and if you don’t know the Alvin Kok of 2007, you should know me by now…

Probably this is just the sick life of mine…