I know how much i’m letting go this time. I’m making a decision based on my self-importance on the expense of letting someone who loves me so damn much go.
I’m telling myself i’m not letting you go just yet, no, i’m not ready to leave behind all that we’ve done, all that we’ve experienced, all that you’ve done for me and everything i’ve done for you, all our sleepless nights and our meagre quarrels.
Arguments, to us, become chores. I know all i did was to blame every argument on your stubborness and mood swings, but its just me and my ego. I never take the blame, and even if i know i have to, i’ll be reluctant. This is just unfair. Its unfair for you. You will not take this in, you will not trust me, you will not listen nor believe what you read. After what took place, it was selfish of me, to make such a decision based on my own importance.
I know i’d never find someone like you anywhere out there in the goddamn world. Someone like you who’ve loved, love, and will love me as long as i’m alive. I can see it in you, i can see that love and care. And i know i’m not treating you right, which is hurting me twice as much as i’m hurting you.
How would i treat any other person in my life right? When i cant damn treat my loved one right?! I’m holding back tears now. You know how much i want my own privacy in my room but…. I’ll save my tears for tonight, when i’m on my bed, just staring into the night lamp, just let the tears roll AGAIN.
But its only acceptable to me that i blame myself for all these even though its something i have no control over.How much you want to run away from me now, i understand. But just believe me when i say i’ll always always be there for you. Please believe me on that.
I dont need any explanations or reminders of what i’ve done to hurt you. I know i fucked up. I apologize but its of no use, whats the point of apologizing without making an effort to do anything right? But if sorry’s can cure your pain, i’d say sorry so many times.
This is as much as i’ll say for now. So you know about what’s going on in my mind. And that you’re not the only one hurting. I’m sorry you have to be alone throughout this whole time. You know that deep down inside of you even when you doubt it. And i’ve never had a doubt that you love me as much and more. In every way possible, you’ll always always have me. I know I dont deserve your time. I know I don’t. I am sorry..
I somehow know that I am smart. Yes I am. I really do know that. But I am just plain lazy. I have always give in to my flesh. I know it is my major year. My last damn year. But I somehow lose the touch. the feel of studying. Making myself study just doesnt work. Nothing goes in and I end up wasting my whole time doing rubbish and nonsence.
I hate being that last minute king. I really want my A’s badly. Real damn bad. But I just cant do anything great at the moment. Seriously, my mind is not into this whole stupid Malaysian education system. My mind always wanders to somewhere far far away and God knows where.
I just need that touch. That feel. That concentration and determination in me. Thats all I want and ask for. Is it really that tough? I know I can do it. If not, I wouldnt be getting good grades for UPSR and PMR rite?
I am trying.I am.I am fighting against myself.So many things has happened and I just need some time. I am really trying to push myself.Really am.
If you are asking me how i am gonna do it, I can’t give you an answer right now. I really can’t. But I will jsut go along and see what really happens. Sometimes, somethings are beyond my control. I dont have the right over it.
I am just human. All I can do is to just try hard. Nothing else really matters.
Again, I am sorry.. CWMY…
Love ya and Miss ya always…