I come to find and see LOVE as such a subjective thing. Something so abstract that one will never understand what it is all about. You can try asking around about what LOVE is, and people will tell you, ‘I don’t know’, ‘Love ar? Love loh’. This would be the usual response people around gives you.

As I was browsing through 3,000 messages of mine in my handphone, I felt so delighted and yet, so solemn. The messages that is still in my phone are mostly selected messages. Mostly is from her(x) and him(bro). The joy and laughter through the sms-es; the fights and arguments through the sms-es. Sometimes I find it so subjective as to what real and true love is all about. We still fight although we love, we still argue although we love. It doesn’t brings much definition to love isn’t it?

Browsing through the many folders in my handphone which basically includes, ‘FWD’, ‘SAR’, ‘APIIT Crazy Classmates’, ‘Birthday Greetings’, ‘Personal’, ‘ROCK’, ‘SPM’, ‘SC’ and so on brought back a lot of memories. I don’t keep sms-es. All the 3,000 over messages are kept throughout the many years. All of it meant somethings to me. And the words uttered are undescribable.

Nevertheless, I’ve not been getting any much lovey dovey messages anymore. Apparently, I don’t use my phone to chat. Or perhaps, the people I used to chat and talked with have found some new love somewhere. I don’t get the words of affirmation I used to get. I don’t get the reports that I used to get. I don’t get the, ‘Hows your day?’ that I used to get and so on and so forth. I am trying not to make believe that I will get it one day and that things will be how it used to be. But I am trying to just move on with life. It sounded easy but I can tell you it is tough.

I don’t know whether the people I love still love me. But one thing I know the God I love still loves me. The ignorant I get, I am getting used to it although it is painful. But what can I do but to stay strong? Giving up may seem a solution but giving up may cause scars that would last forever.

All in all, life goes on.
What is love? I am still trying to re-experience the love I once felt few years ago.

For a day, I felt extremely satisfied and happy and maybe even enthusiastic.

Firstly, I was offered by my dad for a trip to Australia in May 2009 to accompany him for his meeting. I think I can make it so because my semester ends in March and by the time results are released, end of May should be it. I have not put a yes but I am trying to say yes! =D I’ve not been there for almost 4-5 years now.

Secondly, I was brought to the Tiles shop(s) and the Lights shop the whole afternoon. I was given the chance to choose all the tiles and lights I want and yeah, that’s it. Everything was paid there after. It’s for my new place and some things are really cool. A fan with light caught my attention. It opens like a helicopter. And yes, we bought that too!

Extremely lethargic and leaving for Pangkor tomoro at 6.30am. =)

When more of my days are turning merely into day dreams. Today is just one of them. One more week to go. Day dream is my new name. Reading ‘The Five Love Languages for Singles’ is quite appealing to me. Honestly, I hate reading but that book caught my attention. I get tired reading easily. Maybe it’s a syndrome of not reading for a long time.

I have learnt that I should not underestimate what God can do. Or I should not even put a standard for God; because He really exceeds all my standards. What He can do is far greater than what I can do. Only He changes lives and He changes people. I can’t. And I am glad to be used by Him. =)

I am trying to get over the ‘grow up’ thingy. Really. Maybe when I am better, I will sms back the person but I can honestly tell you the feelings hurts. Hurts me really much. The thought in me has never ended. I am trying to tell myself, ‘Alvin, it’s okay! Just treat it as some sort of joke’. But my heart tells me, ‘Has this person ever thought about my feelings before telling me that?’, ‘This person should apologise, NOT ME’. Argh. It isn’t easy getting over a word that came right pierced through your heart. It’s painful deep within.

I want to get over it and put it aside. I’ve forgived way too many times but I wonder why I failed to do so this time. Apparently, I am so freaking serious this time. The care and concern is still there. But I am trying to handle it well this time. In a matured way. Let’s see from where this goes.

I am starting to realise I fell for it again. This it is something so unexpected. It is something not my thing neither it is something of my type. But it really caught my attention, my care and my concern. I don’t know but it has now a place in my heart. A very close one indeed. This is causing me to ask if I’ve changed in terms of preference. But we’ll see. A week of absence for me to think thoroughly

I shall no smaller-kan my font size although this remains my random thoughts. Thoughts and feelings that I’ve been going through the past one week. A crazy and nonsensical week, I’d say. Things that I least expect happened, things that I least expect I’d do, I did. I wouldn’t say it is full of sorrows and pain, yet I wouldn’t say it is full of joy and happiness either.

Firstly, my life was apparently safe by God-incidence. I am truly thankful yet I contemplate again. On the day where the LRT clash at 6:30pm, was the day where I was suppose to take the LRT home after my class. It was exactly the time. But by God-incidence, my friend offered to give me a lift home. Or else, I’d be stranded in the LRT or I’d be involve with the incident or maybe, accident. I was thinking when I was in the LRT the next day, what if I was involve? Will I get the attention I’ve always wanted. The attention from some parties? Perhaps, my thought was a yes. But when I thought twice, it was a NO NO. Not gonna risk my life for such an attention. I also contemplated about what if I was inside, would it be interesting? As not many were injured? Would it be an experience? Call me stupid for such thoughts!

Secondly, a very busy week I had. A really really busy week. Perhaps my busy won’t be as busy as the rest of my coursemates because I started slightly few days earlier than they did and completed it way beyond the hand in time. Moral and IT due on the same week, same day is a major killer.

Thirdly, because of my assignments on Friday, what happened on Friday itself got me pretty upset. Maybe not only upset but regretful. Regretful that I was so dependent on another party over my own assignments. I was the first few people to complete it yet, I was the last few to hand in. I hate that miserable feeling. The feeling of fear and uncertainties. The fear of having my marks and certs at stake. It was awful. I was really out of sense and control when I knew all about it. My coursemates can testify my ugly side. Perhaps, it wasn’t the most ugly side of me yet. But I’ve learnt throught it. Learned through such an experiences. I’ve learnt 2 big words: to ‘BELIEVE’ and to ‘TRUST’. To believe in someone isn’t as easy, and trust too. As much as I believe the LORD is real and magnificent, He will be. Trusting Him in times of dire need is important. Not only in our needs, but all the time. And I do believe God is gonna do something great and real this coming ROCK Sunday; putting aside all complains and obstacles. When our favour is on His side, we rule because He rules. People may try to tear you down in many ways, but to believe and trust in Him that He will do great things is important.

Forthly, I am annoyed over the many discouragements I’ve face this week. My busy-ness kept me so busy that it was great for me to put it aside. Ignoring SMS-es, MSN messages was merely what I did. Discouragements over my ministry, my assignment so on and so forth. But I am coping and learning to take it well. And learning to be wise in what I am doing. Putting aside all the heartache and all and to look at the brighter side; because He is in control.

Fifthly, I am leaving for Pangkor Island next week. I am full of excitement and enthusiasm to leave this place where I can put things aside. But well, my assignments I can’t really put aside. Will try to finish it. And finally, I’ve printed my ITB notes. At this point when I am almost finishing my 2nd Semester.

Sixthly, my Resit for my Maths Class Test results is not out. I am so lazy to persue. From lecturer, to admin and now the issue is back to the lecturer. What red tape this is. Rubbish I’d say.

Seventh, I realised that I get easily affected by things. I get easily influenced by things. Just 2 days ago at 4.30pm, I received an sms: ‘I want you to grow up can?’. All I did was to stare at the message for some time. Obviously, this person is someone close to me that I care; thats why this person dares to write such a thing. But I’ve been thinking about that phrase endlessly the past 2 days. Trying so hard to get over it. Am I really that childish? I don’t want to put the blame on you by saying that you are the childish one. But am I? I thought I was matured and okay for my age but this person thinks otherwise. The words uttered pierced right through my heart and sometimes I wonder whether it is true? Telling myself to put things aside. Ignored this particular person on Facebook and SMSes for the past 2 days. I wonder whether care was put into what was said? Did the person ever think about how I’d feel? Or is it just a general sms that I shouldnt bother and just delete? I hate such SMSes.

There are more nonsense and tantrums this week actually. But I am too lethargic to type more. My hands are failing me. My mind and brain too. I shall stop. If you don’t see me, see you after Pangkor!