Monthly Archives: March 2009

when it’s not yours, it ain’t gonna be yours

I realised when He (God) does not wants to give it to you, no matter how hard you try it; You won’t get it. After a long talk with someone, I realised many things. I wished some feelings weren’t lust. I think it wasn’t, at least. But who knows whats deep inside? Feelings are such subjective things that I can say I do but yet my heart does not.
I am glad that I made the right choice. A choice to wait upon the Lord and to give time to what is going to happened. I did not regret a single bit when things did not worked out yesterday. Instead, I was feeling a sense of relieve. The issue I have been thinking about: I don’t need to care anymore. Not to say I dont care but, I can try but not force things throught. If you guys understands the french I am talking, you guys are great!
Well, the time will come for me when God says the time is right. Fullstop. Nothing debatable.
I have been very lazy the past 3 months. And now, I am even lazier- finished my foundations; waiting for exams. And I ain’t opening a single lecture slide on the modules. I think I hate the subjects for the last semester. It is crazy. So much to memorise. Aite. If I ever complain about not enough time to study, it is mere bullshit! Haha.
I am trying. Actually I am. How ironic right? I always tell myself, I must finish this by this time. And yet, when that time comes, I actually did NOTHING. Every single time. I am such good a procrastinating all the things I have -when it comes to studies, to be exact.
On another hand, I realised being in top positions in a ministry ain’t easy. Perserverance. Endurance. Attentiveness – are some of the characters that is needed. I have been holding the President post for 3months now and I realised I have learnt a lot. Really much in fact. But one of the things it costs me is also my brains. Haha. Thinking and brainstorming of best methods and all for the youth groups isn’t easy. Thankfully, I have a group of supportive leaders behind my back.
I am seeing the seeds that we planted is going to grow. In fact, I can see – it is growing. Little by little. Although not much but God has been good. I’d think it did a tremendous improvements from the previous weeks. I think that the end results should always be left to God, and we should take the process seriously. Learning through the processess is important.
I don’t know what I am crapping about here again. =/

I am not a paedophile okay?

*****************************I can’t help but to say that it is that phase of life where I have to move on. I just finished my foundations yesterday (forget about the exams!). I realised I had this strong feeling in my heart where I know I had to leave another bunch of loud, energetic and crazy classmates.The same feelings and emotions ran through me just about 15 months ago where I left SJI after I finished my SPM.It is not as easy to just say it is our last class and forget about all the fun times we have had. All the laughters, the pain, the arguments, the rush. The past one year in APIIT has its own ups and downs. I still dislike APIIT no matter what. I know I will still be in APIIT but we’ll never be together in that same lecture and class again.The friendship develops unconsciously; the strong bonding became stronger. The big loud class – i may not have a chance to ever experience the craziness of it ever again. To say that I’ve totally close this chapter of my life, I have not. Not to even mention.. I’ve not closed the book for SJI even I’ve left for so many months.We were just talking over it over lunch yesterday when we had our last lunch together. We were sharing about how we used to hate each other, degrade each other, insult each other and how we ended up in this bonding. It was fun but I know everyone of us did hurt someone around us – intentionally or non-intentionally. No, I am not regretting. it is a life’s process we have to go through. Probably it has made each one of us better friends and made us stronger.This journey cant be made possible without a bunch of cool lecturers and nice friends. We have seen each other for almost everyday in the 365-days period, 3 semesters. Can you imagine the long lasting impression it has on me? I supposed in my life, I’ve always been filled with great friends. Friends I love, friends I care, friends I appreciate. And it ain’t easy to just bid goodbye in a day after all that has happened.Yesterday was crazy. Cat fights, screamings and shoutings. We’ve never been this crazy. I am sad to say I might no longer have the same class in the future. I might. Or at least I won’t have the whole class with me in Level 1, but the impact these people has made in my life – immeasureable.Looking back, time flies. I just thought I entered foundations a few days ago. I know I will sulk on how long classes will end but it is actually not about the classes I miss. It’s the people of the class; it’s fellowship that I miss.St John’s obviously had a longer lasting effect on me. Being a true proud Johannian, standing tall – something that made me who I now am.Eventhough APIIT does not have that same impact; the classmates had its impact. The lecturers had its impact – in its own ways (Not all lecturers, for sure).1 year sounds short, but it isn’t. At least it is enough for us to be really close to each other and knowing each other inside out. At least it is enough to make me sacrifice to do the whole of my groups last assignment (HAHA – i am not tagging gohboongee aite? =P). Education itself is not fun; but the life in education is fun because of the people.The joy and laughters, I’d never ever even wanna forget. The sarcasm – I will always remember.Despite us leaving to different paths, I know for sure that this me can never be me without you guys. I know I will not forget what we’ve all done (clean and dirty =P). I know for sure that you are in my thoughts. I am glad to at least have celebrated almost all you guys birthdays – uniquely.The pictures are now priceless.I am sure we will meet again. But whether or not it will be together or not; its a different issue.I’ve learnt well in this phase of life. Not as much as I’ve learnt in SJI but i’ve learnt well. I’ve grew from the innocent young boy to a youth who knows how to make decisions and who knows how to differentiate black and white. Thanks to the instuition and thanks to the people.It is not the work of the instituition alone. I am sure.The memories are vividly in my head; be it – SJI or UCFF0803 (Yes. I am still not mentioning APIIT till it changes my perception)Another part of life will begin soon. Very soon. Growing older, and hopefully wiser in many ways. I hope. I am willing to trade in anything for the happiness we’ve had together as a team; a class.I know this is long and messy. But I am writing whatever I can squeeze out from my brains.So, see ya peeps during exams! And haha, thank God for facebook (JUSTINE CHAN!!)!!! =)

Dun cry people, dun cry! =P

SJI 5/0

SJI 5/0

life’s full of suprise

At times, I realise I life suprises. Suprises makes my day pretty much. At times, when your days are just plain bad, boring and dull: Suprises comes and it hits you really well, I’d say. Today is one of those days where I thought that it’d be miserable, but it went well. At least, I promised myself to give some space to whats happening and to adjust instead of trying to complain. Learning to trade sorrows into joy ain’t a easy tough. Can be sung easily but it’s never easy.

When you are having such a heavy heart in you, you can’t just say you want joy out of it. It doesn’t happen. I am learning to trust. I am learning to sacrifice without expecting anything in return. I am learning to adapt to new changes. I have lots to learn. Walking through a miserable journey the past few days has almost killed me. I admit. But I decided to stand out of it. What doesnt kill you makes you stronger? True or not, we’ll look and see.

Writing a post on nostalgia on facebook garned many super super duper comments. I’d post it up the next round. As for now, have some laughs over my baby picture.

my point of view.

For those who hates understanding french, please click the ‘X’ button on your uphand right.

I hope you read this:

My point of view:

I am utterly disappointed with you for knowing it yet not taking any action towards it. I can’t imagine someone saying he is ignorant and yet not doing anything to it. I can’t take it when you say you have changed but you don’t want to do any shit about it. I understand if I tell you your weaknesses and yet you don’t know. I get it. But not when you tell me you know about it and not doing anything about it. It’s sickening.

Putting all the blame on me does not solve the problem. Over-care? Over-sensitive? Is there people complaining over such things? I have given you lots of space. Maybe you should just look back about what no-space is all about when we first because close last time. It was 24/7 talk.

I don’t even get to communicate in a proper manner with you. It’s frustrating.

I don’t know but it is so painful now that I dont know how long I can take it.

And yet I just made some sacrifice eventhough I am upset. Just for you. And I am not feeling a single regret at all.

God, I pray miracles happens. You bring revolution. You bring change. I am hurting deep within and I pray you will cure this pain and help me (or us) to understand what true care is all about. I know You can do miracles and You can bring a smile on my face. I can barely put a smile on my face now. God, You know me inside out. Amen

i know i know. i should. jst.

I thought pushing things would make things better. Perhaps making things better. Well, truly. Backfired now. And it’s effing painful. At this point of time, my mind runs through a gush of emotions – i dont event know how to write about these emotions.

I know it hurts. But I am learning not to care anymore. I just be that person you want me to be. Maybe I should give it a try since you said a better bonding will work out. I know, as usual – time will do the magic. It has always been a great bonding till things starts to change. But you’d never realise. You’d always think you’ve not. If you’ve not, I wouldnt be this wounded.

I have always prayer you’d realise. I don’t want to threaten you or anything. But I am waiting for the day you realise who has really showed you care and love. Who has really sacrificed 10 times more than anyone else would – financially, emotionally. Emotionally I am running dry. I tried putting that smile 2 days ago. I couldn’t.

I knew it was my bad sometimes. To a certain extent, when you get too close, you tend to merajuk a lot. And sometimes overdoing this sulking can just make the other party upset as well. I didn’t mean to merajuk, but I know I do sometimes. Over the smallest little thing – like a msg.

Urgh. When wil ever things be how it used to be? I cant totally blame you. People around you did pose as an influence. I know. I find that a lil selfish. I dont want to come into any conclusions. The only thing I am saying here is that what is happening is probably something I’ve never thought it would happen. Not at all. Never thought this day would come either when things starts to divide and fall.

I don’t know lah. I am frustratd. I am annoyed. I’m trying to accept the fact and stop my stubborness. But urrggghhh. Trying.

oh izit?

I have so many random thoughts in my mind. Nothing emo or nothing happy about either.

I know I am trying to keep my blog active again and to squeeze some brain juice out at this point of time- early in the morning.

Things has been pretty cool. I managed to watch Role Models yesterday and it made me laughed like mad. Well, it certainly did help to patch up my day a little after a boring day at home. Perhaps, I think God was good that the person finished work early to go hang out with me. Although I was sleeping when the person called but I wasn’t that late either.

I enjoyed talking to another person yesterday. The another person made my day. It was a blessing that the fact I did get to talk to her just the whole day. And just so she said she wasnt going to come online. But opps, my turn to ffk, as I am not going to class today. >

When things goes awfully wrong…

I hate the situation I am in now. I hate it. Why me?

Everything is wrong. Everything is changing. Alone. So alone.

I will feel the pinch more tomoro when I am ALL ALONE.

What an aunty to leave me and the house alone and bring everyone out for breakfast and lunch.

And yeah, maid is on leave. What more?

I am feeling sick. Shall prolly just fast tomoro.

I don’t know. I feel like getting upset at someone now.

But I am worried it’d backfire if I don’t do it correctly.


i surrender all.

I have failed. I know He wins and I lose.

Many at times, I tend to ‘think’ I am perfect; or at least ‘act’ that I am perfect or even ‘show’ that I am Mr-Know-It-All but perhaps, the more I do so and behave that way, God is teaching me a lesson. Lesson on the weaknesses in me. And it ain’t easy.I do know I have that ego at times but Him revealing the weaknesses in me ONE by ONE could probable strike you so hard.

Worst still, at times, He reveals my weaknesses through other parties. Which makes things worst. I mean, makes me feel worst. I often question myself, ‘How could that possibly be?’. And I will come to a conclusion at the end of the thought, No One Is Perfect.

To a certain extent, I feel like I am justifying it instead of trying to see how I can put these weaknesses into strengths or how I can improve on those weaknesses. It is tough, I tell you. Putting me into heavy thoughts nowadays. Why, Why me? Painful I assure you, but I am trying to learn what surrendering my strengths and weaknesses to God is all about.

Being egoistic (I am emphasising it. Argh), it is so so tough to do such a thing. Trying to just accept that fact that I am not good enough or not on par, may be so difficult. Instead, I am trying to find my own strengths in times like these. I am sure everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses, it’s just maybe that mine is more physical? Thats why it affects more? I don’t know.

Surrender. Surrender. Alvin, surrender!

I am also learn what responsibility is all about. Seeing some ignorant leaders, some useless and does-not make sense leaders in and around me, I have learnt. I’ve been seeing people who often finds the easy way out nowadays just because they are not happy, they don’t wanna care anymore, they are fed up. Have they ever thought running away might not be a perfect solution after all?

If you can’t take stress in here, do you think you can take stress out there? Sometimes, running away in just a temporal way out. I have been telling myself it isnt really the right thing to do. What more is that I go through these tough times knowing that He is God and that I will be stronger at the end of the day. Who doesn’t have problems? Who doesn’t have issues? But it is how we deal we it.

Don’t talk about migration. I am talking about the people around me. Classmates, Peers etc. I am learning too. I ain’t perfect but these are some of the random disappointments and thoughts around me.

I am learning to also not be over sensitive. But not giving in all the time. I am referring to someone actually. But well, I know with this person, i tend to merajuk or get upset but yeah, sometimes is the person’s fault but sometimes it is also that person’s fault for not doing his own responsibility. But I don’t know sometimes what to do. I suck at all these stuffs.

And I am learning what decision is all about. Decision that will impact and influence me. Gosh. Talking about this, I am in a dilemma. It is nothing for people to know but I myself know that if my ‘Do it’- I may not get the blessing; if my ‘Don’t do it’- I may regret. But I am praying some miracles to happen but I don’t think it will.

I know I am being more random, but I don’t and can’t afford to see my blog dying =/. I don’t have the mood for blogging daily, but if you do read often, tag on my board pleassseee? So that I know you were here and you read it. Or else it’s not worth updating. Haha. I am finding excuse to be lazy.

In 1 and the half months time, I will be going on my holidays.
In 1 week time, it’ll be my Study Week
In 2 weeks time, it’ll be my Finals
In 3 weeks time, I am free from Foundation
In 3 weeks time, also I’ll be on holiday
In about 7 weeks time, I’ll be flying.. Woooohoooooooooo!~~