belahh

Somehow, I don’t know why I still hold on to things so tightly. The hope is gone. I know I need to let go. Let go of all da burdens in my heart, but I just can’t. I wish I can be those people who can just take things up easily and let things go easily. But it is so not me to take things so lightly. I know it is time I realise about letting go about all that my heart is holding on to and I really meant everything. I am mentally prepared to let go but my heart is holding back. I somehow don’t want to let go and end up having to hate that person for life. I wish I can learn to let go and just let the past be behind me and look forward as the future awaits me. I know the longer I hold on, the more I have to keep in my heart.

But , I just can’t let things go.It doesn’t exactly annoys me. But I know it is time to let go. I know all I can keep is the memories of the past and nothing else. I really wonder how people let things go so easily? I really wonder. I wish I can just some sort be like them in anyway possible. I know I don’t have to tell again how painful my heart is daily. I know it is everywhere in my blog lately.

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Exams is around the corner. It is normal for me to feel moody. I know I am one lazy ass who just never studies. Tell me about it- SPM is near. I know. But I just don’t have the patience and the determination to study like how i used to have when I was sitting for PMR. Imagine me really sitting and studying for PMR, that year wasn’t stressful because I worked hard and have always been consistent in being an average student.

I wish I can still be that same old Alvin who does what is best for himself. Not losing patience. Having hope. Having determination. Having perseverance. I want it all back- badly. I am trying so hard. Everyday, I try to sit and read but I will end up playing with other things like sudoku, handphone, radio etc etc.

Exams to me is like a routine now anyway. Really. I sit for exams every month, almost every week. So, there is nothing to be afraid of. Exams is now like chores to me I guess. Sitting at the same spot everytime doing my own thing (sleeping) for the first part of the exam and really trying to figure out answers when time is almost up.

If you are asking if I have the mood for exams, I will never have. Exams is still torture to me although it is like a chore now. Exams now also became a time for me to think a lot. I start to think about my own life etc etc etc during exams (especially the 2 hour paper). Now you know why I have kinda a variety of blog title in my blog lately. It is all because of the exams.

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Feeling a little down for some time now really makes me wake up and learn more about life and people. People can change. Young, old, etc etc CAN CHANGE. Some change for the bad and some change for the good. Experiencing both changes really widened my view about how selfless and how selfish people can be. Those who were selfless have a big heart. They always aim to serve and not to be served. This people always changes to be better day by day. Some of their heart and their willingless somehow amazes me. On the other hand, people with a selfish attitude can never be successful. It is obvious. I have seen it for myself. I am not mentioning names but I think it is time I should look at my own life in the mirror and really think about how I can be for the better.

Being selfless is not exactly good though. Many takes you for granted. And I really hate those people who take things for granted. Being selfless also doesnt mean people will appreciate you in return. Somehow, being selfless is not only about giving giving and giving. We need to receive too. If not, we will somehow be dying inside like how I am feeling now. Trying to maintain a balance of both is not easy. But I am trying. =)

Thats alllah. Biology papers tomoro. Sigh..