Just that very moment, you thought everything was back to normal. Back to it’s origin. Back to where it once started; everything turned out to be more disastrous than before. Can you imagine that? I was at a point of giving a real smile and yet everything went crazy in just a glimpse of one night. One short and dreadful night.
I thought things were fine. Things were ammended. Things were all great. But just because of that small, silly and tiny mistake I’ve made. Everything went wrong. Just because of my selfishness to sleep without caring about others. Just because of my anger and mood that night I went to sleep. Yet I didn’t bothered that someone was really keen on knowing certain things were only I knew.
I don’t know why I’ve turned into a selfish idiot lately. Everything I do, I just think of myself. Especially when it comes to sleeping; my excuse will always be college time and all. But I’ve never thought about others whom I have to spend time with or things I’ve to handle. I often compromise. I often justify.
I know I am physically fighting my mental. I don’t know but often I give in to physical; sleep. Penning this down after 2 days that happened. I realise I’ve done a big mistake. A big mistake to just sleep and off my phone that night. Maybe such things wouldn’t have happened. Maybe I could sleep an hour later being relived rather than waking up seeing that message of hurt and pain.
I was being inconsiderate I know. I wished that moment never happened. Never. But I know it has happened. And I am so disappointed with myself, my acts, and my foolishness.
I didn’t mean to do any payback of what you did to me; neither was I trying to make you feel the way I felt but I was just tired. I compromised. My fault. =(
Now when your apologies ain’t accepted; you get pure ignorance; you get cold replies. How does that feel? I am feeling just exactly the way it is. And it is such frustrations. I wished I’ve never done such a thing. And I wish I could be selfless. I just need to maybe take some time to understand you and myself better. My heart is filled with guilt and frustrations.
I am sorry.
In college; in the midst of a 3 hour break;
Everyone has choices; like it or not. Fair or not. True or not. Everyone has choices; everyone has to have an answer for their choices. With questions comes answers. Answers are often tough to give; tough to make. I am talking about life.
I am in the point of asking myself so many questions and doubting over so many things. Some things goes unnecessary; but yet I am spending so much time dwelling myself in unanswered questions. Everything now is so questionable; it’s motives, it’s purpose; it’s reason. Now I know why people always say, ‘Don’t think too much’, ‘Don’t bother!’, ‘Don’t ask’. I’ve realise that it’s just words to calm one down.
I am asking and doubting on so many things. Questions includes, ‘Was I selfish?’, ‘Maybe I shouldn’t have slept that night?’, ‘Maybe I’ve not done enough?’, ‘Maybe I shouldn’t have did that?’, ‘Was I in the position to even talk?’ and so on and so forth. The questions playing in my head over and over again lft unanswered. The things I’ve done, I still questions it’s motives.
Why am I in such a position? A position that my brains just can’t stop thinking. Dwelling in the thins which maybe I can’t even change or maybe not in the position to change. Why oh Why? Another question, yet again… I wished that I was thought-free. Thought-free in the sense that I can just take a great break of all these unnecessary stuffs.
Somethings appeares to be simple but yet it ended up so complicated. Things that appears so simple often complicates and things that appears so tough and complicated often makes it so simple. This is life. Life is unfair, unjust with unnecessary thoughts. Sometimes I choose not to think but I always fail at the end. Every moment on bed, especially becomes a torture and nightmare because of my wild thoughts.
I wonder how can I get rid of unnecessary thoughts. I’ve tried various ways. Or am I too worried and concern? Maybe I am just a thought provoking person?
Another question left unanswered…
Life has been miserable. I’ve had a tough week. A rough week. A terrible one.
I was tearing myself apart last night. Tears was and were overflowing. Just the moment I thought things were fine. Apparently not! I went through hell. I went through torture. I mean emotional torture. I wonder why I get wounded so easily. Physically, I look fine. I look great but it isn’t that great after all.
My emotional torture is killing me. I have been trying to justify what has been happening. Even to the extent of cheating my own to keep me from being so emotional. But it seems that it doesnt work. Justification just brings more expectations. The more I justify to things, the more I am creating expectations. And I’ve learnt not to create any expectations at all.
I’ve just taken a step to just write an email. A very long email to this person who has been making me this way. It isn’t this person’s fault of making me this way. It is just probably how much I miss this person. And I can’t comprehend things when this person is gone.
Why is everyone leaving me one by one? It’s hurting me deep within. I can’t accept the fact that it’s your turn to leave me. Just after less than 2 months, someone left me. Why am I seeing you leave and crying all over it when I can’t do much. I don’t know. Things are getting so tough along the way. Justifying it, I told myself God will never allow something that I can’t bear. But it seems so unbearable on my side.
I am reluctant to see you leave although it’s for your own good. I know I can’t be that selfish but with you leaving, things will change even more. I am having flunctuating emotions lately. Don’t dare or challenge me. Neither even try to get my anger. I didn’t feel like blogging but I promised MAX that I’d do his tag. I care for him enough to keep my promise. So, I just took the opportunity to write something short to keep my readers anticipating.
I am still waiting for the Pastas picture to blog about it…
Shoe size: I don’t know
Height : 5ft 10 plus plus
Where do you live: Cheras Indah. Shifting to Taman Baki in just 2 months
Favourite drinks: Sprite? Starbucks?
Favourite breakfast: Nothing specific
Have you ever been on a plane?: Of course lah! Aussie fanatic!
Swam in the ocean : I suppose?
Fallen asleep at school : As always. since Secondary School.
Broken someone’s heart: YES =(
Fell off your chair : Yeah!
Sat by the phone all night waiting for someone to call: Yes. It was a hell torture for me. Worried to death
Saved e-mails: Of course?
What is your room like : Simple and messy
What’s right beside you: Camera. Have to help dad load pictures in Prague
What is the last thing you ate: Rice?
Ever had chicken pox: Yea
Sore throat: Often
Broken nose: No No and No
believe in love at first sight: Unsure
Like picnics: Just okay. Don’t fancy the hot sun
Who was the last person you danced with: Got no idea. Was some time ago I think
Last made you smile: _ _ _
You last yelled at: Brother..
Today did you:
Talk to someone you like: Not really
Kissed anyone: Nopes
Get sick: Nah…
Talk to an ex: . . . .
Miss someone: Veryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
Best feeling in the world: When things were all so fine.
Do you sleep with stuffed animals: nope
What’s under your bed: my brother’s bed
Who do you really hate: Her!
What time is it now?: 1028pm
Is there a person who is on your mind now : Yes. Very
Do you have any siblings: YES YES!~
Do you want children: Of course I do.
Do you smile often: Fake smiles? Real smiles?
Do you like your hand-writing: Just okay. Better than many =)
Are your toe nails painted: nope
Whose bed other than yours would you rather sleep in: Hotel beds? Parents
What colour shirt are you wearing now: blue
What were you doing at 7:00 p.m. yesterday: Was smsing BL to arrange for Justin’s outing.
When did you cry last : Just now?
Are you a friendly person: Ask the people around me?
Do you have any pets: NO!
Where is the person you have feelings for right now?: Church? Home? Not sure..
Did the last person you held hands with mean anything to you now?: Nahhh..
Do you sleep with the TV on?: Nope.. what for?
What are you doing right now?: doing this tag?
Have you ever crawled through a window?: If you have the brain enough, you won’t crawl the windows stupid!
Can you handle the truth?: Am unsure
Are you too forgiving?: Maybe?
Are you closer to your mother or father?: Both?
Who was the last person you cried in front of?: I, ME, MYSELF!
How many people can you say you’ve really loved?: Countless…
Do you eat healthy?: I doubt it!
Do you still have pictures of you & your ex?: Mmmm
Have you ever cried because of something someone said to you?: I dont think so
If you’re having a bad day, who are you most likely to go to?: Him and Her?
Are you loud or quiet most of the time?: LOUD?
Are you confident?: I have hell low self esteem!
5 things I was doing 10 years ago:
(a) Primary School
(b) play, play and play
(e) play more
5 things on my to-do list today:
(a) pack room/ house
(d) watch forensic heroes
(e) dreammmm and cryyy! =(
5 snacks I enjoy:
5 things I would do if I were a billionaire:
(a) spend spend spend
(b) keep keep keep
I shall not dream till I get my billions…
5 of my bad habits:
(a) wake up to early
(b) wate electric
(c) keep calling ‘KAKAK’
(d) fails to prioritise
(e) I wonderrrrrrrrr…