Basically, dinner with relatives aren’t too interesting either, isn’t it? I still have my family dinner tonight again. I know I am blessed. I know I should be content. I know I should. Like I said, textbook answers tells so. I am truly showered with good friends.
I know many has stayed up to see me frow one year older. Perhaps, being legally legal. I am officially legal as of age. Sungai Buloh prison awaits me if I ever do anything wrong. And quoting Mr Warren on Sungai Buloh Prison, “
You could be in there for so, so, so, so long that you parents couldn’t recognise you“. I know.
But I do see a deep sense of maturity in me now. I have learnt how to descern what is right and what is wrong. What is good and what is bad. Perhaps there are just things that I really be matured about? You guys know what I am talking about.
Yes, deep within the self-contentment is not there. YET (
i hope). I’ve said it before, and now: I can forsake and sacrifice all things (parties, celebratitons, gifts) in exchange for hearts and cares. If you do read my blog now still, or if you still care to read my blog. Yes, it is about you. If you feel the pinch, I am talking about you (or perhaps: you both?). I know I am not materialistic. Nothing close to being materialistic either. Gifts are just temporary happiness, Celebrations are just mere fun. It does not last long. The joy and happiness does not even last long enough to see me through next year. But it is the thoughts, care, concern and love that matters.
You know I am talking about the past, the past has been so great. It felt like forever. Things were forever with you just 2-3 years ago. But it has now changed; perhaps I have not changed. My heart is and will forever be the same here. Feeling the emptiness all the way.
You people abandoned me to care for someone else. Why must it be this way? Can’t you show the same care to 2 people at the same time? Tough as it may seem; but it has never been difficult. What is so tough about communication anyways? It has been made easy.
I know I have high expectations on certain people. To be honest, just 2 person now that has been playing in my mind. I know I miss someone so much; more than any other things. It’s a girl you know. Well, the other: you guess! You know every single thing that has been done lately has not been doing much justice and good to me. Instead, making me think think and think. Yes, I did not sleep the whole of last night because of selflessness.
I don’t know what to expect from them this birthday. If it is materialistic, fine. But if it is a great change that will give me back the past-feelings, then I’d most probably be the happiest person in my life. Because missing them is such heartache.
Firstly, I hope that the pieces will be made perfect again. I admit not many people can touch my heart like some do. I am bias. Like it or not, I am bias. My feelings of love and care towards some people just tends to overflow. And this some people is just maybe a few of them. I am stubborn. I know. Or else why would I have been asking for the past? I know people changes, but heart does not.
You guys are so influenced by others(them). Have you ever spend some time putting yourself in my shoes and just go through what I am going through. In the past; you used to symphatise and even sacrifice for me but it seems that it isn’t the way it is now. Like it or not, I’ve had a tough night last night. Thinking of all the things that you both could’ve been doing in my life during my 18th Birthday. Apparently my mind just went wild and stopped me from sleeping. I should be in church now but I decided to take public transport there as I am lethargic.
In a nutshell, all I want is the past. Nothing more than just that. It is something controllable. Not like it is something that needs cash or so? It is something that i know they can do. I am prepared for the girl’s birthday as I mentioned, which is coming just in time. The heart is there. My heart is there. For the other, you are unpredictable. I know it wouldn’t be just mere SMS? I don’t know. I am confused. I am having those mixed feelings. Ah. Just want to forget about it for now. I don’t want to crap such things on my Birthday when I know my mind can’t stop thinking about it. I am too lazy to put things into words now.
All in all, my heart is in pieces seeing things the way it is. Like I said, If you are reading the blog, you feel the pinch, I am talking about you.
You can choose to brighten up my life or to just screw the whole thing up. You know my desire. Knowing you people for so long really have a long-lasting impact here. It will never be forgoten. I just wished I could rewind the past and just replay it again and again every year. The joy, the happiness, the smiles: so real.
18th Years of Growing in the Lord day by day has also been a magnificent experience. A great one I’d say. Seeing how he guide and lead me every step I have made it just fabulous!
Something else to add on, I hate liars. I can’t help but to release some anger here. And people, listen up! When you don’t feel like chatting, never tell someone you are going to sleep and appear offline because the truth will reveal. Never even add that you are tired and so on. It makes me feel as though I was bothering you. I was irritating you. Was it so hard to even say that you don’t feel like chatting? Makes me feel like some annoying idiots. It isn’t easy to take in it. But perhaps, I shouldn’t bother much because I’ve pledged not to give a damn to this person anymore. I am just so pissed that you people lied to be away from something. Is honesty something so hard to do? And worst still, this is just so minor. I can’t imagine you lying over bigger things. You hate me or not, I don’t care but liars I just hate big time. Every single time I find out someone lies, I get so annoyed and so frust.
I still have not have enough of the quote my Amy Carmichael:
YOU CAN GIVE WITHOUT LOVING, YOU CANNOT LOVE WITHOUT GIVING.
It is so true that you cannot love someone and not give. I’ve been giving so much at the expense of myself. Perhaps, she(Amy Carmichael) is one who has been giving endlessly. Maybe it is something worth emulating not at the expense of your own feelings?
To whoever here:
I thank you for reading this long post. I hope it was worth reading? I thank you for all your care and concern. I am doing fine.
But all in all, HAPPY EXTERNALLY, HURTING INTERNALLY only you both can be the remedy?
As for 2nd Semester Timetable: I OFFICIALLY HAVE NO CLASSES ON THURSDAY!
Basically, I spent my day with my coursemates. And am sure we had a lot of fun too. It was rare that the girls and a few of them followed us. But it was like a big complete group of our gang that came out. And all the thoughts that you people put into organising it. The food, movie, cake that you people have paid; I do appreciate every bit of it. Quoting Justine, “I can’t wait to know how it feels not to pay“. You guys are just amazing!
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